The last few hours were all building up to this point. Full of excitement and anticipation, our three year old had helped me tidy the house, cook a meal and we set up the train set ready for some serious playing.
It’s a Wednesday night and it’s “life group” night. The night when a group of children and adults from church come round for food, play time and eventually (when the kiddos are in bed) a Bible study.
It’s our son’s favourite night of the week, and he’s beside himself with excitement for the other children to arrive.
But of course, the inevitable happens…
In a flurry of hyperactivity and enthusiasm… An incident will occur… usually after our guests have been here for approximately 5 minutes.
The incidents vary, but they will usually involve our three year old upsetting another child (often, although not always, unintentionally so)…trapped fingers, a grazed arm, a banged head, an unwanted cuddle, and tears and apologies will flow!
It’s pretty stressful and annoying and frustrating. “Why can’t he just contain his enthusiasm, and be a bit gentler?” I think to myself. “I can’t chat intentionally to people when I’m dealing with this.”
Usually, thank heavens, after the initial incident, there are no other incidents. And the children play nicely, food is enjoyed and everyone enjoys themselves. But still, sometimes it’s enough to make a parent despair!
So what is successful parenting? I think, until recently I thought that successful parenting was minimising and ultimately eliminating scenarios like this. In short, I wanted behavioural and moral perfection from our children. In part to give me an easy life, in part because it would be better for them, and in (large) part because I felt like their behaviour was a reflection on me and my parenting.
Recently I read something which changed my thinking on this.
I read this prayer in one of my bible devotionals,
“I pray I will always keep in mind that my success is not attached to children’s actions but how I respond to them and love them.”
What a revelation!
I find this a really liberating thought, and a really biblical view of discipline. So let’s unpack it.
Children are responsible for their own actions
Children are human beings, they are moral creatures, they have free-will. This means that even though they are children, they still are responsible (and need to learn to take responsibility) for their actions. At the end of the day, if a child makes a bad/foolish/selfish choice that was their choice to make.
I am responsible for how I respond to my children
As Christian parents, we shouldn’t be surprised when are children sin, or make foolish decisions. By nature children are immature and they need to be nurtured in the gospel. The role of the Christian parent isn’t to personalise when are children make bad choices, and feel like it’s a damning indication of how we’re doing as parents. Rather, in that moment we have a gospel opportunity.
We are not responsible for our child’s actions, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. How do we respond? Anger? Frustration? Harsh discipline? By just ignoring the situation? I’ve been guilty of all of these in the past. I think I’ve responded like that because I’ve felt like my children have let me down, and it reflects badly on me.
But when success is measured by responding to our children with grace in these situations then we have an opportunity to model and explain the gospel to our children. The moment of discipline isn’t actually about us! It’s not about making us look good, or getting the right behavioural outcome. It’s about connecting with our children, understanding their world, correcting their misdemeanours and showing them their need of a saviour.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s easier said than done. It requires dying to our own desires and putting our children first. But responding to a situation well is our privilege and responsibility as parents.
My success is not attached to my children’s actions
Once we separate what our children are responsible for, and what we’re responsible for, it makes discipline and “success” in parenting much easier.
Think about God the Father. He’s the perfect parent, he’s never done anything wrong. Yet he has wayward children! We don’t think that the bad/foolish/selfish choices of human beings is because of His shortcomings. We think it’s because human beings have free will and moral choices to make. Human beings are responsible for their actions. In short, God the Father isn’t responsible for us sinning.
Yet, God responds to us perfectly. He responds to us in love even while we’re making a mess of situations. He connects with his children, he understands our world, he corrects our sin and foolishness and shows us our need of a saviour. And he does it repeatedly. Every time we read his word, every time we meet with his people, every time his Spirit ministers to us and points us to the gospel.
He doesn’t deal with us once and expect us to be perfect from then on in – getting frustrated when we inevitably stumble. No – he’s committed to overseeing the maturation of his children, and he’s in it for the long-haul.
So there we have it – “success” in parenting.
What is it? Being like God to our children. Not being responsible for our children’s actions, but responding with grace when the inevitable happens.
Father, please help us to be like you to our children. Please help us to separate our responsibility and our children’s responsibility in terms of their behaviour. Help us not to feel responsible for our children’s actions, but to respond with grace, correction and gospel comfort when they do make mistakes. Give us wisdom, stamina and a deep-love for our children, that means we discipline well, even when it inconveniences us. Amen.