Self-care and the gospel of grace

Some of these scenarios could happen on any day of being a parent:

The teething baby is up again screaming.
The pre-schooler has just vomited all over the new carpet.
Your plans to tidy the house and host people from church has been scuppered by a pressing issue at school which requires a meeting with your child’s teacher.
A friend says something insensitive about your children/ house/ church involvement and it makes you want to cry.
The teenager is withdrawn and disrespectful.
The laundry basket is never empty, the house is never clean, you never truly feel rested and today, you’ve just had enough.

Parenting is hard.

Sometimes the pressures pile up on us and make us feel like we just can’t do it anymore.

This can lead to us feeling overwhelmed, alone, like we’re failing and sometimes depressed.

So what is the Christian answer to this? What does the Bible actually say about the concept of self-care?

Well rather than self-care, it might be that your mind first goes to those verses about self-denial and sacrifice:

^“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.“ Matthew 16:24

And Mark 10:44-45, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,  and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Or conversely, we might think of Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Well these are all important Biblical ideas but, as well as these, the Bible has so much to say on the topic of self-care. While it never uses the expression “self-care” it says a huge amount about living wisely and healthily in a broken world. So let’s do a whistle-stop tour of what the Bible says, and then after we’ll draw out some practical suggestions in light of this.

Creation

God created a perfect world: Adam and Eve depended perfectly on God, and God provided for all their emotional and physical needs. The world wasn’t broken. There was energy instead of burn-out, freshness instead of exhaustion, and complete joy instead of sadness of any kind.

Stop and reflect on this for a moment – God’s original intention for humanity was for an existence free from suffering, and one where we would have perfect relationships with him, each other and ourselves – what a good, wise and kind God!

And here’s something pretty cool – God (despite being infinite and all powerful) decided to rest on the seventh day after he completed his work of creation. Technically, God doesn’t need to rest and yet he did. He enjoyed with contentment all that he had made. If God prioritises rest, then so should we.

Fall

But things didn’t stay that way. Humanity rejected God’s kind rule, and suffering, toil in work, strife in parenting and ultimately death came to be. Our relationships with God, each other and ourselves were damaged by sin.

What does this mean? This means that hardship is unavoidable and things are hard. We are finite creatures, designed to be dependent on our infinite Father-God. But instead of looking to him to provide for our needs, we often look elsewhere to provide the solution to our problems.

Sometimes we try to make the good things of creation the solution to our broken hearts, such as wine, TV, chocolate, social media, hobbies, or a bath!

Other times we turn to more sinister solutions – selfishness, neglecting our responsibilities and so on – we think “putting number 1 first” is what we need.

We try to fix ourselves, but we still feel exhausted and overwhelmed. In the end, it doesn’t work. Certainly not fully.

Redemption

So Jesus came into the world. Our loving God-incarnate came to show us what it means to live life perfectly in relation to God, other people and himself.

Jesus was fully human, he got tired, hungry, dirty. He took time to sleep (even in ridiculous circumstances – like while sailing in a storm!), to retreat from the crowds and pray, and he accepted the hospitality of other people.

But there were other occasions when he sacrificed his comfort for others., like when he fed the crowd of 5000 people, when he cooked fish for his disciples after his resurrection, when he continued to heal people, stay up late teaching and travel large distances for the sake of his ministry.

Ultimately however, we see his sacrificial love at the cross – where Jesus lays down his own comfort, to sacrifice his life for our sake. Self-care was laid down to care for us. He considered our interests as more important than his own. He died in the place of sinful humanity, bearing the righteous anger of God, so that we go free.

It’s because of Jesus’ sacrificial love and death for us that we can come to him and find rest for our souls. Not because of our efforts or performance in our parenting (or any other area of life) but because he has made us right and acceptable before God. We can rest, because Jesus has changed our status before God, forever. We are dearly loved children once again, restored to him, and able to call on him for help, comfort and strength to get us through this life.

New Creation

But that’s not the end.

Jesus is coming back again to recreate the universe. There will be no more sorrow, suffering, exhaustion, disappointment, toil or death. Self-care won’t be a category that we think about, because he will provide for all our needs, and we will live in perfect relationship to other people and to ourselves. We won’t question whether we need to look after ourselves better, or feel guilty for sitting on the sofa for too long – we will live perfect lives, we’ll always make the right judgement call, and crucially, live in a world which is not broken.

So what does that mean for me today?

1) Acknowledge that you are finite

We don’t like to think of ourselves as weak and needy, we like to accomplish much, meet our goals, be productive, feel like we’re doing a good job by our children. This isn’t all bad at all – but we deceive ourselves into thinking that we can do it all, and do it alone. Then when we realise we can’t (the 4-year old refuses to put on their shoes, making us late, causing us to lose our temper and then scaring the baby into fits of tears), it all begins to unravel very quickly! We arrive at our destination not presenting the facade of happy family which we want to – but the actual real version of ourselves.

It’s actually a liberating thought to know that we are finite. We are God’s creation – he doesn’t expect us to be able to do it all.

He has given us 24 hours in the day for a reason – he doesn’t expect us to do 30 hours of work.

He has given us limited stores of energy for a reason – we don’t need to burn the candle at both ends.

We need to sleep, to eat, to rest, to unwind because we are human beings (and so are our children), and that’s a good thing.

2) Don’t be surprised at your sin

We are sinners, our children are sinners, our spouses are sinners. So we hurt each other, accidentally and on purpose. Acknowledging the reality of the situation means that we can ask Jesus for forgiveness and move on. No need to be horrified – Christ sees the depths of all our hearts and loves us anyway.

3) Know that Jesus is your strength

Jesus is our family’s saviour, not us as parents. He is ready to help us in our time of need, and pointing our children to him (not our own brilliance – ha!) is the best thing to do.

This is really practical. It means we can turn to him in prayer in the heat of the moment. It also means we can have a deep bath, with lit candles, a glass of wine and thank him that he is our strength, he is sufficient, he is our saviour.

4) Have hope that it won’t be this way forever

It won’t always be this way. So, on the really tough days, when we just can’t endure it anymore, we can cling onto the hope that a day is coming when all suffering will be done away with.

^“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.