We caught our child lying the other day.
It wasn’t an overly deceptive lie. We asked him if he’d finished his crumpet. He said “Yes.” But when we looked at the plate, the crumpet was still there!
So, after chatting it through a bit, we cracked out the age-old line, “We’re very disappointed that you lied to us.”
The camel’s back was well and truly broken with this straw. He had a major meltdown lasting a good 10 minutes, and his behaviour got progressively worse. He wasn’t responding well to correction or to his time out. As parents our patience was starting to wear thin too. Why does this have to happen so early on a Saturday morning?
We’re so thankful for God’s grace for what happened next.
Our son showed genuine repentance and we were reconciled and able to move on to a lovely day.
We accredit this in large part to a friend of ours explaining how he modelled repentance to his children. We’ve tried to replicate. Not as some magic formula to replace the Holy Spirit, but as a helpful guide of what to do when you’re in the thick of a tricky confrontation with your child.
Modelling repentance to children
Before we were parents we used to work for the christian charity UCCF: The Christian Unions. While we were on staff we had a brilliant supervisor who was also a dad to three young children. He was in the trenches of sleep-deprivation, discipline issues and trying to balance ministry and family life in this very overwhelming season.
He would often tell us little anecdotes about what his children had got up to, including the more tedious (for him, we’re sure!) parts about their bad behaviour and subsequent discipline. It was so very helpful for us. And we didn’t even know it at the time.
So what did he do?
In large part, his discipline was similar to anyone else’s. He’d give warnings about the consequences of disobedience, “If you don’t do X then you’ll have to have a time out.” Then he’d follow through.
But what he did next was brilliant.
He would lead his children to Jesus.
He’d have a discussion with his children about their behaviour. Identifying what the problem was. Then he would hold them and pray with them.
He spoke to us about how frustrating it could be to repeat the practice again and again – warning, consequence, prayer, repeat. But he would still keep doing it. And then we started to hear encouraging stories about how his eldest (then 4 years old) would start to say encouraging things about Jesus. He made his first profession of faith while sat on the toilet while his dad was in the shower! Precious moments, in real life situations.
Sorry, Thank You, Please
So since then, we’ve tried to replicate this modelling repentance to our children. Both taking our children to Jesus in prayer when they sin, and apologising to our children and praying for our own forgiveness when we sin against them. Now to be totally honest, it’s only started to feel worthwhile within the last year or so – Cathy first apologised to our eldest and modelled repentance when he was only a few weeks old. She raised her voice at him out of frustration because he wouldn’t stop crying. The mum-guilt was awful! But the repentance helped, even though the baby had no idea what was going on. But now that he’s 4, it feels much more worthwhile!
So, practically speaking what does a modelling repentance conversation go like?
Quite often we use a simple prayer which can be used to lead someone to Christ for the first time, or for the thousandth time: “Sorry, thank you, please.”
The interaction might go like this:
Parent:”It wasn’t right that you lied. It also wasn’t right that I raised my voice at you – that isn’t the right way to deal with frustration. I think we should pray to Jesus about it, don’t you?”
Holding child in arms, pray,
“Dear Lord Jesus, we’re sorry for the times when we sin, when we hurt you and other people. Thank you for dying on the cross to forgive our sin. Thank you that you love to forgive us. Please help us change by your Holy Spirit. Amen”
Simple enough for a child to understand, profound enough to preach the gospel to their hearts and ours.
After the lying incident
Our son was wracked with guilt because of his lying (and getting caught!). He then chose to respond with anger, aggression and further disobedience. But once the dust had settled, and we went to speak to him after his time out, an amazing and visible change happened.
The anger turned to tears, the shouting turned to quiet listening to the prayer, the lashing out turned to a tight bear hug and he was genuinely ready to say sorry to us.
The amazing thing about discipline done this way, is how children long to be reconciled to their parents. After the confrontation they long to be held, to be played with, to be spoken kindly too. They know they acted wrongly, they’ve turned from their sin, repented and sought reconciliation.
Aren’t you the same as an adult? After a confrontation with your spouse, aren’t the hugs after a heartfelt apology the tightest?
What a wonderful thing to experience. What a wonderful thing to model to our children. What a joy it is to live in the freedom of the gospel which recognises sin as sin, has a way to deal with it, and can move on to a guilt-free, loving relationship thereafter.
On this – another Christian parent that we know once told us that her parents modelled grace to her by never mentioning a sin that had been repented of again. Once an apology was said, that was it over and done with. She experienced that as a child, and it’s left a long-lasting impression on her of God’s grace towards her as an adult. She now does the same with her daughter.
We won’t do it perfectly
None of us will discipline perfectly all the time. We don’t always interpret the situation correctly, we don’t always keep our cool, we don’t always remember the gospel in the thick of it.
But that’s completely the point!
The gospel says we all need a saviour, and that Jesus willingly and lovingly offers himself to be it. In this life, it’s never too late to model repentance. It’s never too late to seek reconciliation. Even if our children are grown-ups now. There’s still time.
“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John:8-9
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16
So what about you?
We’d love to hear about how you model repentance in your home. How do you resolve conflict and move towards Christ as a family? If you grew up in a Christian home, how did growing up in an atmosphere of repentance and love impact you?
Please leave a comment below – we love gleaning wisdom from other parents!
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