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I wasn’t sure if I’d ever write this post, I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to, I wasn’t sure if I could bear to be this real… but we claim to believe that “the gospel of grace gloriously speaks into our messy lives” here at Gospel-Centred Parenting. So here we go, warts and all…

I (Cathy) went through a rough patch back in the New Year.

We’d had quite a good run I suppose. For six months the baby and the toddler synced naps for an hour or so every day (glory!!!). In the early days I’d sometimes nap too, but often I’d use that hour to do a job or two, and just rest with a coffee. It was a little respite in an otherwise long and exhausting day of looking after a young baby and a jealous and energetic toddler. I could cope with the days (often enjoy them in fact!) But that little break was really helpful for me to refuel and brace myself for the afternoon.

But suddenly everything changed; within the course of a few weeks…

• The toddler got chickenpox (we were in quarantine for a week).
• We went on holiday, and then the baby got chicken pox while we were away (we were in quarantine for another week).
• I got mastitis (if you’ve never heard of this – think breast duct infection while being a breastfeeding mother – ouch!)
• The toddler stopped napping but the baby didn’t stop his incessant night-feeding, resulting in sleep-deprivation and exhaustingly LOOONG days.
• The toddler was 2.5 years old – cue tiny tyrant behaviour and many embarrassing social situations.

Then to top it off –

• A mean mum yelled at me the park – we’ll get there later on…

Hence –

• I was exhausted. I was sad. I was exhausted, it was making me sad.
• I started gorging on Mars Bars  (for you non-Brits, all you need to know is that Mars Bars are basically 100% sugar… with a bit of fat thrown in the mix. Battered Mars Bars are a Glaswegian delicacy: I didn’t go that far).

In the space of a few weeks, my somewhat ordinary life had been turned upside down and I felt totally overwhelmed and like I couldn’t cope.

Let me explain to you what this felt like, because a list does not do the misery justice!

Mastitis is, for me, clear evidence of the fall! How can something as beautiful and natural like feeding your baby be such torture?! That horrendous infection was so debilitating.  I had never experienced feeling so unwell as a mother; how are you meant to look after two tiny dependent children, when you can’t even get down the stairs safely because you feel so faint?

Superhero Daddy flew in to save the day…but still, after he returned to work the exhausted lingered on for another week or so. Recovery was not helped by the fact that…

Just at the very time when I most needed the toddler to nap, he decided enough was enough and he would much rather be awake ALL DAY LONGGGGG. No respite and a grumpy, naughty “terrible two-er”.

But then I finally started to feel well again. “It’s ok”, I thought. “We’re through it”, I thought. “We’ve survived!” We’ve battled the chicken pox, the mastitis, the sleep-deprivation, the nap-loss, and now we’re feeling ready to go on an outing (we hadn’t done one of these for a while – apart from to nursery, to church and to visit family) and so, we decide to venture out to the park; at 4pm in the afternoon; the week that the toddler dropped his afternoon naps. I should have seen a disaster was waiting to happen, but alas…

There I was chatting to some friends as we congregate around the climbing frame, watching our little ones. At the time, my two-year old was going through quite an aggressive stage. Occasional hitting, pushing and “NO”-ing. Not OK behaviour, but age-appropriate I hear. To be expected I hear. They grow out of it I hear. It’s called the “terrible twos” I hear.

I don’t think the other mum had ever heard of it before. But I get ahead of myself.

I was watching the toddler and chatting to my friends (probably bemoaning the fact that I had just had mastitis) when the baby started crying. I took my eyes off the toddler and leaned down to pick up the screaming baby, I straightened back up again and BAM…

Mean mum was there, in my face, raising her voice.

“Your boy pushed my little boy” It started off, innocently enough. Oh I thought, she wants me to get the toddler to apologise. I call him over.

Oh no… I quickly realise. That’s not what she wants.

She just wants to have a go at me. Swear about my child. Humiliate me and try to provoke me to yell back at her. She’s aggressive. She’s intimating. She’s acting completely disproportionately to the situation.  She’s creating a scene – we’re surrounded by the post school-run crowd.

I was shell-shocked.

I have never had someone speak to me or my child like that.

What my toddler did may have been wrong (incidentally I didn’t even see the scuffle, as I was getting the baby out of his pram, although I don’t doubt that mean mum was telling the truth) – but her reaction, unlike my son’s – was not age-appropriate or defensible. It’s never ok to insult a tiny child in their hearing!

Well, I did what I always do in confrontational situations. I fled… I fought back the tears, grabbed my little boy and took him to a quiet corner of the play area to talk to him about his behaviour (and out of earshot of the mean mum).

After a bit more mouthing off, the mother cycled off, with her very embarrassed looking husband behind her.

It was so ridiculous, so disproportionate and so unexpected, that it sounds almost comical!

But the damage was done.

It was at an all-time-low for me as a parent. The whole incident was completely unexpected and mind-boggling to me. Perhaps if it had happened during a period of motherhood when everything had been going swimmingly then I could have coped fine. I would have considered it rude but I would have seen it in perspective – an overprotective mother taking out her anger on me. But the incident occurred right at the time when I was already feeling deflated, overwhelmed and utterly sleep-deprived.

I wasn’t in an emotionally stable place and her accusations really played on my mind and I started to internalise them. What she said about me and my son started to become how I viewed us too. I saw his aggressive behaviour as reflecting on me and my poor parenting (incidentally he is three now and has outgrown that aggressive phase). But at the time, there was no end in sight, and it got me down. I felt like a failure, and I wanted to withdraw from social settings.

It could have easily been a downward spiral.

But here’s what happened instead – God helped me out through different means of grace. God was kind to me and ministered through a number of very ordinary things. These were:

Friends

The incident happened in front of my friends. At first I felt that made the situation worse – how mortifying! But after the incident, they spoke truth to me, gave me perspective, helped me to see that this woman was acting irrationally and her opinion was not to be trusted. I’m so glad they were there – and as I replayed the situation in my head countless times after the incident, I clung to their words of advice and perspective.

Scott

Scott was great. He listened to me recount the scenario lots of times, he comforted me when I cried, he reminded me of all the great things that we cherish about our son, and he gave me perspective. And when I was still anxious and down about it several days after the incident, he patiently went through the whole process again and prayed that God would take my anxiety away.

Church

I didn’t want to go to church, because I didn’t want my son to be around other young children. I was afraid of another aggressive incident and I wanted to isolate us rather than allow us to be in a situation where he could act badly, embarrass me and quite simply cause a great deal of stress! But you can’t really opt out of church if your hubby is in church leadership. So I had no choice – and thank goodness I didn’t. Being in Christian community where you and your children are accepted regardless of your/their bad behaviour is freeing. And being exposed to the gospel is the best possible solution to every problem and every situation. Christian community and gospel exposure were exactly the antidote to my temptation to withdraw.

Mum

My mum lives abroad but had just come back to the UK the week of the incident. Sometimes what you need is a few day outings, a change of scene and a doting grandmother who thinks your children are cute, wonderful little creatures who are simply going through a phase. Compassion, encouraging words and a good giggle is sometimes what’s needed.

Nursery

A few days before the mastitis hit, we learnt that a local primary school  had some subsidized spots for 2-year olds. They were very cheap and the child care was exceptional – so we decided to put Reuben in for 6 hours a week. This was God’s grace to us! The following weeks of challenging behaviour, nap-dropping and my being ill, demonstrated just how much we needed some external support. This support exceeded our expectations. God used these 6 hours a week to help give me rest and crucially to stretch our son socially, behaviourally and academically – his aggressive behaviour diminished very quickly. Secular nursery has been used by God as a means of grace – common grace abounds in secular education – and we are deeply grateful!

Jesus

Of course all these means of grace come from Christ – who gives grace upon grace. It is the Spirit of  Jesus who speaks truth to us through the people around us (notice how in all of the sections above, God has used people to bring healing and truth to me, where circumstances and mean mum were only bringing condemnation).

So let this be my message to you.

Are you feeling alone? Condemned? Overwhelmed? Angry with your kids? Unable to cope? Down and anxious?

Then come to Christ – who is with you in the midst of it all. And expose yourself to his grace, by surrounding yourself by his people. Because we were never meant to do this parenting thing, or this life thing, or this being a Christian thing alone. 

So there we have it: “the gospel of grace gloriously speaks into our messy lives” yes it does… if we let it.

So there we go…. I actually wrote it… and I think I’ll probably publish it…

I can tell this story now. Now the baby sleeps through (some nights) and I feel refreshed. Now the two-year old is a three-year old and we’ve left that aggressive stage behind us. Now that I’m purging the mars bars from my diet. But you know what? I share this with you so that you know, whether you’re reading this while knee-deep in the messes and stresses of parenthood or whether you’re in a relatively easy/enjoyable stage – Jesus is enough. He’s always enough. He loves you when you feel strong. He loves you when you’re a mess – a leaky-boobed, leaky-eyed, barely-thinking-straight mess. He’s not phased. In fact, he’s compassionate. And he’s not going anywhere.

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Something exciting is on the cards for Gospel-Centred Parenting.

We’ve thought for a long time that we’d like to do something more for the Gospel-Centred Parenting community than just write blog posts (though we hope you find them helpful!).

Ideas have buzzed around our heads – you might remember us talking about this back in our First Birthday Post.

Well for several months now, behind the scenes, we’ve been beavering away to try to make just one of these things a reality… and we’re getting close.

Our new product will be launching in the next month or so, and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Check out the picture below of Cathy and our designer meeting on the floor of our living room to work on it (Scott’s behind the camera!).

If you’d like to be kept in the loop, then check out our new page by clicking here (***link no longer active***), or sign up below to receive updates on how things are progressing.

We can’t wait to reveal more (but we’ll have to, because it’s not quite ready yet!).

***This form has been removed since the cat is now out of the bag… check out the Jesse Tree Ornaments here if you want to see what it was we were building up to***

Little man,

It’s been three years since you made us parents.

Three years since you made the switch from the inside of mummy’s tummy to the outside of it… where they lay you.

You were pretty blue and slimey and you had a loud cry. But then you settled.

Mummy and Daddy were a bit terrified too… but then we settled.

You were ok. Mummy was ok. It was all going to be ok.

And Daddy wanted to cry because he was so relieved.

And once the medical staff had done their stuff, and the visitors had come and gone, it was just the three of us.

It had been quite an exhausting day – the day you journeyed to your life on the outside – and you were breathing heavily and fast asleep; wearing your little hat and swaddled in blankets like a miniature mummy. Your face was perfect. Like a little cherub. And we couldn’t help but kiss your cheeks – soft like a peach.

Mummy was desperate to be fast asleep too – but Daddy was too excited. He said, “Before we go to sleep let’s pray.” And he thanked God for your precious life and for bringing you safely into the world.

That was three years ago.

How was that three years ago?

Sometimes we wish that you would stop growing. But with each stage of your development we get to see more of the awesome person that God has created you to be.

Little man, you have a thirst for life that we’ve never seen before. You are enthusiastic and throw yourself (sometimes literally!) into everything you do.

You love people, like really love people. You come alive when other people are around, and you have an amazing confidence to make new people feel welcome and wanted – often kissing and cuddling guests who come to our home. And you’re thoughtful in a way we didn’t think possible from a three year old – today you exclaimed as Nanny came through the door, “It’s Nanny!!! – Do you want a coffee Nanny?” We didn’t teach you that… that thoughtfulness came from you. We wish we had that same hospitable instinct; we’ve got lots to learn from you little chap.

At the moment you love super heroes, imaginary play and toilet humour. And because we are pretty keen on you son…we’re into them too.

We are infinitely grateful to God for his grace – giving us countless blessings through the pleasure of knowing you and sharing our lives with you. Being your parents has taught us so much about God’s Father-heart towards us his children, and about his willingness to give grace to undeserving people who ask him for his help.

And now Son, we want to pray this for you; entrusting you into the hands of your heavenly Father – who is a much better parent than we are.

Loving Father,

Thank you sooooo much (This is how little chap starts his prayers) for blessing us with our son.

We thank you for all the joy, giggles, snuggles and fun times we have with him. Thank you for his personality – that he’s lively and happy and loves people.

Thank you for how you have been at work in him by answering our prayers. Thank you for how he is growing in his interest and love of you. Thank you for how he is feeling sadness over his sin. Thank you that Jesus’ sacrifice in his place means that he if offered full and free forgiveness – and may he grow more and more in his love and understanding of this gospel truth everyday.

And Father we ask, that our boy will grow up to do more for you than we ever could.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

We love you to the moon and back little chap,

With love,

Daddy and Mummy xxx

Social media is, in and of itself, neutral. It’s a human invention enabling us to connect with other human beings. It can be used for immense good. It can be used for immense evil. And pretty much everything in between.

As a species we are still trying to get our heads round the impact that social media is having on our relationships, our leisure time and on our mental well being. The impact of social media will no doubt be the topic of many a PhD paper in the years to come – it’s probably already begun.

We are still playing catch up, but inevitably it will be our children who are most up-to-date with the apps, trends and technology of the day. They are the ones acutely exposed to online dangers such as cyber bullying, graphic pornography, online predators, and websites promoting anorexia, self-harm and suicide. Even more tame uses of social media like scrolling through Instagram can have a detrimental impact on mental health, studies have found.

It’s a complex topic, and it’s an area where we as parents need to be vigilant, informed and keep the lines of communication open with our children.

So we’ve made a decision.

Our children are only tiny. We have a baby and a pre-schooler. They don’t use social media yet and they have no control over what is posted on social media. A lot of the complex issues discussed above don’t actually have any bearing on their lives yet.

But…

We’ve made a decision on their behalf…

We’re removing all the photos of our boys faces and their names from our Gospel-Centred Parenting website and from our social media accounts. (On the date of publication of this post, we’ve started the process and will hopefully get it finished in the next couple of weeks)

It’s a costly decision in a way, because we think they are super cute! We think they are (probably) the cutest children alive (we may be somewhat biased!) and we like other people to think so too.

Not only do we like other people’s approval of our children but there’s also external pressure.

Lots of parent-bloggers include pictures and the names of their children on social media – and you know what? They are usually the most successful bloggers. People like looking at cute kids, especially parents, it sort of goes with the “audience” you are trying to reach. It helps people feel more personally connected to us as bloggers, and will help our “audience” feel more loyal to us (or so those-who-know say).

But we’ve been reflecting on why we started our blog in the first place, and we realized that it was to help us reflect on our parenting in light of the gospel, so that we would do the best possible job of raising our boys. That was our objective then, and we still want that to be our objective now.

So – we want to strive to honour our children in the way that we blog. We love to keep it real, so we will share anecdotes about our kids – but always in a way which honours them as people deserving respect and privacy.

Are we saying that everyone who posts pictures of their children on their blogs and social media are making a terrible choice? Absolutely not! If you love showing off your children to your friends and family then that’s totally cool (and in fact we will do the same on our personal social media accounts). But in the end, when it comes to our blog, we don’t want our sons growing up and resenting us for oversharing their childhood in such a way that a simple google search will give their school peers plenty of ammunition for banter or bullying. We’re sure others do it in a way that avoids that, but for us, we don’t even want to entertain the possibility.

Because, in the end, our kids are too awesome and valuable for that.

Their long-term good is more important than our short-term self-gratification of a few likes, followers and nice comments.

This will be a provocative post in a way – we imagine that people will either love it or hate it depending on what their own stance is.

What we don’t want is for people to feel condemned!

As we mentioned above, we are removing these images from the website (hence we previously had them up for the world to see!) because we’ve had a change of heart and we’ve felt convicted to change our approach. And yet we will continue to post pictures that don’t show their faces on here, and we’ll continue to share more personal photos on our private accounts.

There’s no-one-size-fits-all to how you represent your children on social media, but here are a few questions you could ask yourself when you next go to share something with the cyber-world.

• How will my child feel about this image being on the internet in the future?
• Why am I posting this image/anecdote? Is it for their benefit or my own?
• Is there any personal information here which could put my child in danger?
• Where do I get my source of approval, love, acceptance and joy from? Answer: The Gospel of Jesus!

So there you have it… our personal opinion about safeguarding our children on social media.

What is your approach? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments section below.

Some people use their children as weapons.

They use them as a way to hurt others, or as a way defend themselves. You’ve probably met a parent like that. Maybe you’ve been tempted that way yourself?

Here’s the thing. There’s a sense in which the Bible says that our children are to be used a bit like weapons.

Intrigued? Then read on.

Take a look at these verses:

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.

We’ve been struck at the imagery of children being “like arrows”. It’s an interesting choice of simile.

An arrow isn’t designed to stay in the quiver. It’s good to have a quiver full, but only so that they can be sent out.

Arrows are meant to fly away from the quiver as the bow sends them out.

It’s interesting that the verses don’t say “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like trophies on your shelf” or “Like money inside your wallet”.

Why would this be this case?

Because children are not meant to remain dependent and cloistered up in our possession. They are not designed to be cooped up forever – they are designed to fly from the nest. The ideal is that they become independent, responsible and purposeful (an arrow is sent out of the quiver for a purpose, and noticeably sent out by another – “the warrior”).

Or to reflect on another metaphor…we all know that the nurturing of the mother-bird and safety of her nest are essential for the chicks to grow and develop. But we also know that it would be unnatural for the mother bird to try and sit on her growing chicks and prevent their efforts to fly from the nest. It would be unnatural – it would be unhealthy for the chick and for the mother-bird. It could result in the chick’s death. No, the healthy and natural way of things is for the chick to find their wings and with the mother’s encouragement to have the courage to step out of the nest and fly into the sky of opportunity.

So, if the end goal is independent, responsible and purposeful adults who will fly our nests – how do we begin to see our children in that way now?

If the goal is that we send our children out with a purpose, like a warrior sends out his arrows, then how do we prepare ourselves and them starting now?

Perhaps a change of mindset is needed for you – perhaps you’re tempted to treat your children as your trophies. Perhaps they are there to show off your achievement as a parent.

Perhaps you’re tempted to treat your children like a coin in your wallet – you see that they are precious and that makes you want to cling onto them.

Well the beginning of this Scripture can help us with that:

“Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.”

Ultimately our children are from God. He created them and he gave us the immense privilege of caring for them, but they don’t belong to us, they’re not our property to treat as we see fit.

Our children are from him. Our purpose in raising them is to get them ready to live independently for the Lord. When they have left our care we want them to be living with purpose for God – loving his church, reaching the lost, serving the poor. That’s what we are designed for – that’s what they are designed for.

In the end, while children can bring us great personal joy and pleasure, they are not given to us simply for that purpose – they are to be given back to God for his service. Arrows in his quiver to be sent out for his kingdom.

Perhaps this sounds hard and counter-intuitive. Well we can take great comfort that God is more of a loving parent than we ever could be. We can know that the God who calls us to send our children out, is the God who sent his Son out. He’s the God who did not spare his Son, but gave him up for us. He is the God who so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

And as we send our children out to independence and adulthood we know that the indwelling Spirit of God goes with our children protecting and providing for them all the way.

So don’t be afraid to weaponize your children… just make sure you do it in the right way.

What’s the secret to great parenting?

It may surprise you.

We recently went to some parenting seminars by Julian and Debbie Hardyman.

We sat in our seats waiting in anticipation for what they were going to say… What approach would they take? What new kernels of wisdom could we glean from these seasoned parents?

Their intro took us by surprise!

They said something which was pretty liberating, surprising and well…obvious!

They said that there’s no silver bullet for parenting, no secret formula which needs to be found for success, they said that they weren’t going to say anything new.

This is what they said.

Are you ready for it?

They said…

Parenting is really pretty simple but very hard to actually do!

Simple but hard.

The Bible says provide for your kids, love them, discipline them and tell them about Jesus.

It’s not rocket science.

It’s not a secret at all.

But it’s hard.

It’s hard to do consistently. It’s hard to die a thousand deaths to yourself in order to serve your children. It’s hard to sacrifice your own comfort for the sake of your little ones. It takes energy. It takes effort. It takes time.

We found this a really liberating truth to hear.

In a media-saturated culture, envy and comparison in our parenting styles can be so pervasive. It’s easy (in the midst of all the parenting fads that come and go) to be fearful. It’s easy to panic that we must discover the perfect approach to parenting and that if we don’t, we’ll mess up our children. How wonderful that this isn’t the case!

We already know what to do – the Bible tells us.

Provide for our kids, love them, discipline them and point them to Jesus.

That will look different in each family and that’s also wonderfully liberating.

What works in your family, with your personalities and lifestyle will look very different to how we do it our family. But you can be sure of this, in every family, parenting sinful kids will require following simple principles which are actually very hard to do.

We as human parents follow in the footsteps of our heavenly Father God. You would imagine that it would be a simple thing for the all powerful creator of the universe to parent the children that he made. He knows how to provide, to love and to discipline – perfectly. For God, parenting is simple.

But you know what? Parenting is hard for him too. You see his children (a.k.a us)  are pretty troublesome and stubborn.

As a good parent, God provides for us. He loves us, and he gives us boundaries to live our lives by and consequences when we stray outside of those boundaries. But we resist his kind parenting of us at every point. This is called sin.

Like a good Father, God decided not to abandon his children but to do everything within his power to change their hearts and to eradicate sin. It was an easy decision – he loves us, he was committed to winning us back.

But it was hard. It was costly. It required sacrifice, effort and commitment. In fact it was harder than we can imagine.

God decided to send his only begotten son Jesus to take the consequence of sin upon himself. Jesus died in the place of sinful human beings, as their substitute. He did this so that sinful human beings could be forgiven and brought back into relationship with their Heavenly Father. Now God’s children are reunited with their Father, through faith in Jesus.

So there we have it. The secret to great parenting? There isn’t one. Do the things that the Bible calls us to in whatever way works best in your situation.

Knowing what we need to do is simple. Actually doing it can be very hard.

But we model ourselves on the best parent – our Father in heaven. As creator of all, knowing how to parent us was simple. But actually doing it was very hard. The cost was bigger than we could ever imagine. So let’s parent our children empowered by his Spirit, reliant on him in the difficult times.

Parenting: simple but hard.

We’ve been really humbled by the reception that our blog has received since we launched it a little over a year ago, as we reflected on a little in the post on our first birthday.

One thing that has suprised us about the audience for the blog is how many people who are new to Christianity, or at least are very young Christians, have interacted with the blog. If you are one of them – thank you, we love having you around!

We’re convinced that the gospel is good news for every single person in whatever situation they face. We consider it a privilege to try to demonstrate something of how the gospel can shape and transform one area of life – parenting. We pray that you, the reader, whatever your background, will grow in your knowledge of the gospel and thus your love for Jesus as you engage with our blog.

To help our readers who have had less exposure to the good news of Jesus to better grasp the core of what that news is, we’ve added a new page to our website.

So this week, rather than putting out a new post of content, we thought we would point you to our new page. Let’s all take this opportunity to have a few moments together to bask in and be warmed by the sweet sunshine of the gospel.

Click here to head to our new page, ‘The Gospel’.

Miscarriages are such difficult things.

We’ve mentioned before on this blog that in 2015 we suffered the heartbreak of two miscarriages. For us, they represent two precious babies that we never got to meet. Two personalities we never got to know. Two of our children’s lives that were cut too short.

There are so many painful things about miscarriages – to say we had such a sad time doesn’t come close.

And yet through those awful experiences there were numerous signs of the Lord’s kindness as he ministered to us.

One of the chief ways that we saw that was through kind members of our church family seeking to speak words of truth, comfort and gospel-hope to us through our grief. Did they always say the right thing? Definitely not. But their willingness to get alongside us, to share our grief and to seek to point us to our kind and compassionate Saviour in the midst of the darkness was wonderful.

We wanted to write this post to help you to do the same thing. Here are 3 things to avoid and 3 things to consider when speaking to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.

Don’t ask “how far along were you?”

We totally understand why people might ask this question. It has become almost the default question on hearing the news of a miscarraige. It’s true that the further on the pregnancy, the harder it is to physically deal with the effects of miscarriage. The further on the pregnancy, the more opportunity the parents have had to bond with the baby. All that is true.

But here’s the problem. When you say “how far along were you?” the suffering parent might just hear “the miscarriage matters less if it was an early miscarriage.” That’s not what the suffering parent should be made to feel in that moment. You don’t necessarily mean this, and it may well be useful for you to know how far along the pregnancy was, but maybe try to find out from someone else.

Instead, recognise that they’ve lost their baby, whether they were at 6 weeks or 6 months gestation, they’ve lost their baby. Support them through it.

Do demonstrate you care

Instead of the typical “how far along were you” question, perhaps say “I’m so sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?”

This gives them the option to tell you the details should they want to.

We found that sometimes we wanted to talk about the miscarriage and other times we didn’t, and we appreciated it when people respected that. We did want community, but we didn’t always want to talk. One night we went over to a Christian friend’s house and they asked “how are you?” Cathy answered “crap”. So we ate chocolate and watched a film together. These are the same friends who cried and prayed with us when we suspected that Cathy was starting to miscarry, who gospelled us on other occasions, and who asked the question “how can we love you through this?”

When grieving it can be really tempting to withdraw from Christian community, especially if you feel like you will be hit with a sermon and judgment for being sad, so don’t be the bearer of that sermon and judgment! Compassion, gentleness and just being there with them is priceless and in fact, Biblical (check out God’s rebuke of Job’s friends for being heartless to see this).

Don’t suggest blame

A number of well meaning relatives and friends made comments to Cathy after the miscarriages about how physically active she had to be during pregnancy, because she was looking after a toddler. In the second pregnancy a couple of people said “make sure you take it easy this time”.

This time? This time? What, you mean as opposed to last time, where my overexertion made me lose my baby?

That’s what we felt at the time. Now we know the people who said this, and we know that they didn’t mean to hurt with those words. But they did hurt.

There are a number of problems with comments like these.

Firstly, current scientific understanding suggests that there’s no reason to cut down physical activity with pregnancy, as there is no causal link between physical activity and a greater risk of miscarriage.  It’s simply not factually correct.

But even if it were, it’s probably not the best thing to say. In the wake of a miscarriage, the last thing a parent in pain needs is to feel guilt for the miscarriage. They do not need to feel like they are somehow to blame for the loss of this precious little life.

Do point them to the only source of lasting comfort

The gospel is good news for everyone in any situation. That’s true for the grieving parent too.

The grieving parent needs to be reminded of the gospel. They need to know…

…that our heavenly father is full of compassion and grace for the broken-hearted

…that God never intended for death to exist but that it came about because of the brokenness of our world.

…that God hears our prayers and our sighs and he collects our tears.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Psalm 56:8 (NTL) 

…that Jesus wept at the grave of a loved-one.

…that our God became incarnate, and died to kill death once and for all – triumphing over it by his resurrection.

…that one day death will be no more and there will be no more tears, no more heavy-hearts, no more wavering faith and no more unanswered questions.

They need the comfort of the gospel – because they will find no lasting comfort anywhere else.

They need it and one day they will thank you for it.

But be careful in how you communicate it. Certainly don’t try and say it all at once!

When you have your friend’s broken-heart in your hands, treat it with great care. Speak gospel truths carefully, speak them compassionately, speak them prayerfully – lest, instead of gospel truths, your friend hears “you have forgotten important theology, you should be responding better than this” adding guilt to sorrow. They don’t need a theology lesson but in that moment they need to hear about the never-ceasing sympathy and hope of Christ.

If that sounds daunting it needn’t be. We found that we valued people trying to gospel us even if it was a bit clunky or came across a bit insensitive. Attempting to point hurting people to Christ will be greatly appreciated – we found that was a much better option than the alternative, which was people avoiding us because they found it all a bit awkward!

If face-to-face conversation sounds difficult to you then perhaps writing a comforting letter, lending a topical book or sending a Bible passage in a text message would be a realistic option for you? Reaching out to hurting people will bless them and help them feel supported.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

Don’t assume it’s over and done with

Miscarriage is the death of a loved one.

Yes it’s a loved one who’s been known for a relatively short time. But they are still loved, they are human beings and they are someone’s child.

You see, for that parent, they have dreamed of what that child will be like. They will have started decorating the nursery in their mind. Picking their first outfit. Packing the hospital bag. They will have begun to wonder or maybe even found out whether the child will be their little baby boy or little baby girl. They will have imagined the baby’s personality, hair, fingernails and the sound of their little giggle.

And so, when that life is tragically ended, there is grief.

Deep grief.

Grief like that of any person who experiences the sting of death.

There’s grief and sorrow and tears and loneliness and questions and heart-break and disappointment and shock and uncertainty and numbness and… and… and… well how do you even begin to articulate all that emotion to those around you?

It’s the death of a hope, of a life never to be lived, of a dream never to be realised and vitally, of a person. And this is where we need to be clear in a society muddled in confusion about the value of human life and in which babies in the womb are expendable – miscarriage is the loss of a human baby. A person made in the image of God, full of potential. A tiny person who should never have died – because that was not God’s original design for this world.

That’s tragic.

Don’t be surprised that there’s grief.

And the thing about grief is that it sticks around for a while. The initial tears may dry up, but sorrow is carried around in the heart for a long time after. When the baby’s due date comes round it’s a day of lament; the decision to try for another baby is an exercise of faith in God, of summoning courage and facing fear head on; subsequent pregnancies are tainted with anxiety; and for some there’s a long journey of uncertainty ahead, a journey that may never result in a biological child.

The grieving parents may have stopped crying, they may have stopped talking about the miscarriage, they may even be pregnant again – but don’t assume it’s all over. Because the processing continues, their conversation with their sovereign heavenly Father is ongoing, and quite simply, the painful memory never totally disappears.

Which leads us to the last (and much briefer) pointer…

Do continue to care for them for the long haul

It’s a simple point, but if you don’t assume that the trauma and pain is over because x months have passed or they’re pregnant again, then you will continue to ask “how are you doing?”

This is profoundly helpful, otherwise grieving and hurting people may feel like there is a certain date when they are meant to be “sorted” by. This may lead to isolation and guilt, but the gospel says that we can never exhaust Jesus’ compassion. His mercy and grace are endless, and the gospel says that we surely need it and can access it all the time. What’s more, he’ll never tire of the grieving parent bringing their sorrow to him. So we should model ourselves on him as we seek to support others.

“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth… Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”

Isaiah 65

So there we have it – 3 do’s and 3 don’ts. This was a painful post for us to write, but we hope you found it helpful. Our prayer is that the Lord uses this post to help you as you interact with people around you who are suffering the grief of miscarriage.

Please do share this post if you think others would find it useful.

Can you love your children too much? We hear people saying things like “my children are my world” and “my kids are my everything” a lot – what should we make of this? The big idea of this blog post is this: you can love your children too much. Yes, that’s right. If you’re intrigued, then read on.

Before we get too controversial, let us reel it in a bit. It is our privilege and joy to love our children. God gives us our children into our care to love and care for them. When we love our children we image our God – he is the ultimate parent who perfectly loves humanity, his children. We are to model our love for our children on our perfect God.

So that’s pretty high stakes for the love we should have for our children.

If that sets the bar of how much we should love our children, how could we possibly love our children too much?

In order to see this, we need to ask a question:

What is the ultimate good that I want for my child?

We need to come to a settled conviction of what is the most important thing for our children’s lives  – the thing that we consider our highest priority for them.

Let us suggest something. Our children are created by a God who loves them and wants to know them. The greatest gift that God has given to our children is himself – knowing him is the most fulfilling, joy-giving, satisfying reality that our children could experience. The best thing we can do for our children is introduce them to the gospel, and help them (with the Spirit’s work) to fall in love with Jesus.

People often speak of wanting, above all else, for their children to be happy. We think that’s not a great enough ambition. We want our children to be joyful. We want them to have a deep-seated, unshakeable and secure joy – the kind of joy that can only be found in Jesus. The kind of joy that can only be found when Jesus is at the centre of our children’s lives. The kind of joy that only comes when our children find their security, identity and sense of purpose first and foremost in Jesus.

But here’s the thing. If we communicate to our children that we love them more than anything else, we end up robbing them of the best thing we can give them. We want our children to see that there is someone who we love even more than them, and who they should too. We want to communicate through how we speak and live that Jesus is wonderful, and that he’s at the centre of everything. We want to speak about him passionately, warmly, winsomely and regularly! We want them to see, through our words and example, that Jesus is our deepest source of joy.

When we do this, when we love Jesus more than our children, we love our children better.

You see when Jesus isn’t our highest love, something else is, and that’s a problem. It’s a problem because we look to our highest love to provide for us in various ways. We look to it for our ultimate sense of worth, acceptance and joy. But many of these things that we make ultimate can’t live up to what we ask of them. They can’t provide the joy what we want them to. They’re finite and fallen and will disappoint us. Jesus is the only one who won’t.

If something other than Jesus is our highest love, we end up putting too much pressure on it to provide what it can’t. If that’s our children, that’s not loving to our children. But if Jesus is our highest love and we look to him for our joy, security, identity etc, then we don’t put the pressure on our children to provide those things. We love our children more by loving them less. Or, to be more accurate, we love our children more (and better) by loving Jesus even more than we love them.

So there we have it. Are you convinced? Let us know in the comments below. And if you found this post helpful or thought-provoking, please help it to reach more people by sharing it on social media.

It’s our blog’s first birthday!

We can hardly believe it’s been a whole year since we first started our blog.

It’s been quite a journey. Let’s take a moment to revisit it…

We started blogging at Gospel-Centred Parenting for a couple of reasons.

To remind us of the gospel

We started the blog to help us as parents apply the gospel to our parenting. At the time we had a toddler and Cathy was pregnant with our second child. We were starting our blog as we were starting out on our parenting journey.

The blog was birthed out of hard places. We mentioned that we were expecting our second baby, but his healthy pregnancy came after two miscarriages. We started this blog when we were still grieving the loss of those pregnancies, and we wanted to remember that the gospel really is good news for us as parents, as well as for our children.

But we were writing for another reason too…

To point others to the gospel

We also wanted to encourage other parents with the gospel. That’s why we picked and paid for the the domain “Gospel-Centred Parenting” and worked pretty hard to work our way up the Google ranking when people searched these words. We wanted other parents who were weighed down with the struggles and daily grind of parenting to be comforted by the amazing gospel of grace found in Jesus.

We wanted our blog to be characterised by the gospel. We wanted the gospel to be explored, cherished and explained in every post. We wanted to avoid the trap of simply calling our blog “gospel-centred” only to then insert some handy lifestyle tips or self-help motivational prose in it. We wanted people to be able to guess what we were going to write about in each post – the gospel – albeit from different angles and applied to different situations. We hope we’ve been able to explain that amazing story, those incredible truths, and paint a picture of our glorious saviour with originality and flair – a tricky thing to do each week! It’s been a good discipline for us though, lest we ever tire of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

As we’ve sought to encourage others with the comfort of the gospel, we’ve been majorly encouraged in return.

We’ve been really encouraged by you. We are excited by how God has been growing a community of gospel-centred parents. We’ve been encouraged by how you are gospelling your children in the everyday; how you are believing the gospel is good news to sustain you through the highs, lows and sheer exhaustion; and how you are seeking to make major decisions in light of the gospel.

So thank you!

It’s encouraging that there’s an army of like-minded parents all over the country, and indeed, world, who are doing this crazy parenting thing with Jesus in the centre (well, at least that’s the intention).

Knowing there are others doing the same thing emboldens and strengthens us.

We’ve spent some time today looking over the statistics for our blog over the last year, and were overwhelmed and humbled with the people who’ve connected with our blog.  Here’s a few fun stats:

Number of users: 6,064

Continents with readers: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Australasia, Asia (Not Antartica- yet!)

Number of blog posts: 60

Number of competitions: 2

Number of incidents of writers block: 1

Number of marital arguments over the blog(!): 1

Number of trolling incidents: 1

Number of blessings: too many to recount!

Here’s some things that you’ve said over the last year:

“I just wanted to write to say thanks for your blog, your insights and parenting wisdom… I’m a silent blog reader normally but this has made me think again and so I hope I can encourage you in the way I’ve been encouraged! So thanks for writing and spurring us on to parent for Christ.”

“Thanks for your blog. I really get a lot from it. I usually read it during a night feed as it’s the most peaceful time of the day at the minute!”

“Ah, wow…thanks for this really helpful blog. It’s so good to do a heart check!”

“Both just read this and so grateful for your honesty and insight. Really connect with your thinking and found it very moving.”

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It helps us to keep motivated to write our posts, and to be intentional in our parenting – even though it’s tough!

Here are, according to the stats, our three top blog posts of the last year:

1. Talking to your kids about sex
2. Five minutes that ruined my day and five words that redeem it
3. Five parenting mistakes to avoid| Discontentment 

(We’ve pretty much learnt that the scarier something is to publish the more traction it gets. People like real. And real makes much of Jesus so we’re cool with that.)

So, what does the future hold for Gospel-Centred Parenting?

This next year we aim to keep pointing ourselves and others to Jesus through weekly blog posts. As well as this we’ve got a couple of exciting ideas in the pipeline of other resources to equip us to parent in a gospel-centred way, so watch this space for them. These ideas are in the early stages, but you may hear more about them in time.

Thank you

So thank you again. We’ve loved thinking about parenting our boys with your support and encouragement. It’s been great doing this is community with you and we pray that God will bless you and your families this coming year.

With love,

Scott and Cathy