Gospel-Centred Parenting

We’ve been really humbled by the reception that our blog has received since we launched it a little over a year ago, as we reflected on a little in the post on our first birthday.

One thing that has suprised us about the audience for the blog is how many people who are new to Christianity, or at least are very young Christians, have interacted with the blog. If you are one of them – thank you, we love having you around!

We’re convinced that the gospel is good news for every single person in whatever situation they face. We consider it a privilege to try to demonstrate something of how the gospel can shape and transform one area of life – parenting. We pray that you, the reader, whatever your background, will grow in your knowledge of the gospel and thus your love for Jesus as you engage with our blog.

To help our readers who have had less exposure to the good news of Jesus to better grasp the core of what that news is, we’ve added a new page to our website.

So this week, rather than putting out a new post of content, we thought we would point you to our new page. Let’s all take this opportunity to have a few moments together to bask in and be warmed by the sweet sunshine of the gospel.

Click here to head to our new page, ‘The Gospel’.

Miscarriages are such difficult things.

We’ve mentioned before on this blog that in 2015 we suffered the heartbreak of two miscarriages. For us, they represent two precious babies that we never got to meet. Two personalities we never got to know. Two of our children’s lives that were cut too short.

There are so many painful things about miscarriages – to say we had such a sad time doesn’t come close.

And yet through those awful experiences there were numerous signs of the Lord’s kindness as he ministered to us.

One of the chief ways that we saw that was through kind members of our church family seeking to speak words of truth, comfort and gospel-hope to us through our grief. Did they always say the right thing? Definitely not. But their willingness to get alongside us, to share our grief and to seek to point us to our kind and compassionate Saviour in the midst of the darkness was wonderful.

We wanted to write this post to help you to do the same thing. Here are 3 things to avoid and 3 things to consider when speaking to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.

Don’t ask “how far along were you?”

We totally understand why people might ask this question. It has become almost the default question on hearing the news of a miscarraige. It’s true that the further on the pregnancy, the harder it is to physically deal with the effects of miscarriage. The further on the pregnancy, the more opportunity the parents have had to bond with the baby. All that is true.

But here’s the problem. When you say “how far along were you?” the suffering parent might just hear “the miscarriage matters less if it was an early miscarriage.” That’s not what the suffering parent should be made to feel in that moment. You don’t necessarily mean this, and it may well be useful for you to know how far along the pregnancy was, but maybe try to find out from someone else.

Instead, recognise that they’ve lost their baby, whether they were at 6 weeks or 6 months gestation, they’ve lost their baby. Support them through it.

Do demonstrate you care

Instead of the typical “how far along were you” question, perhaps say “I’m so sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?”

This gives them the option to tell you the details should they want to.

We found that sometimes we wanted to talk about the miscarriage and other times we didn’t, and we appreciated it when people respected that. We did want community, but we didn’t always want to talk. One night we went over to a Christian friend’s house and they asked “how are you?” Cathy answered “crap”. So we ate chocolate and watched a film together. These are the same friends who cried and prayed with us when we suspected that Cathy was starting to miscarry, who gospelled us on other occasions, and who asked the question “how can we love you through this?”

When grieving it can be really tempting to withdraw from Christian community, especially if you feel like you will be hit with a sermon and judgment for being sad, so don’t be the bearer of that sermon and judgment! Compassion, gentleness and just being there with them is priceless and in fact, Biblical (check out God’s rebuke of Job’s friends for being heartless to see this).

Don’t suggest blame

A number of well meaning relatives and friends made comments to Cathy after the miscarriages about how physically active she had to be during pregnancy, because she was looking after a toddler. In the second pregnancy a couple of people said “make sure you take it easy this time”.

This time? This time? What, you mean as opposed to last time, where my overexertion made me lose my baby?

That’s what we felt at the time. Now we know the people who said this, and we know that they didn’t mean to hurt with those words. But they did hurt.

There are a number of problems with comments like these.

Firstly, current scientific understanding suggests that there’s no reason to cut down physical activity with pregnancy, as there is no causal link between physical activity and a greater risk of miscarriage.  It’s simply not factually correct.

But even if it were, it’s probably not the best thing to say. In the wake of a miscarriage, the last thing a parent in pain needs is to feel guilt for the miscarriage. They do not need to feel like they are somehow to blame for the loss of this precious little life.

Do point them to the only source of lasting comfort

The gospel is good news for everyone in any situation. That’s true for the grieving parent too.

The grieving parent needs to be reminded of the gospel. They need to know…

…that our heavenly father is full of compassion and grace for the broken-hearted

…that God never intended for death to exist but that it came about because of the brokenness of our world.

…that God hears our prayers and our sighs and he collects our tears.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Psalm 56:8 (NTL) 

…that Jesus wept at the grave of a loved-one.

…that our God became incarnate, and died to kill death once and for all – triumphing over it by his resurrection.

…that one day death will be no more and there will be no more tears, no more heavy-hearts, no more wavering faith and no more unanswered questions.

They need the comfort of the gospel – because they will find no lasting comfort anywhere else.

They need it and one day they will thank you for it.

But be careful in how you communicate it. Certainly don’t try and say it all at once!

When you have your friend’s broken-heart in your hands, treat it with great care. Speak gospel truths carefully, speak them compassionately, speak them prayerfully – lest, instead of gospel truths, your friend hears “you have forgotten important theology, you should be responding better than this” adding guilt to sorrow. They don’t need a theology lesson but in that moment they need to hear about the never-ceasing sympathy and hope of Christ.

If that sounds daunting it needn’t be. We found that we valued people trying to gospel us even if it was a bit clunky or came across a bit insensitive. Attempting to point hurting people to Christ will be greatly appreciated – we found that was a much better option than the alternative, which was people avoiding us because they found it all a bit awkward!

If face-to-face conversation sounds difficult to you then perhaps writing a comforting letter, lending a topical book or sending a Bible passage in a text message would be a realistic option for you? Reaching out to hurting people will bless them and help them feel supported.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

Don’t assume it’s over and done with

Miscarriage is the death of a loved one.

Yes it’s a loved one who’s been known for a relatively short time. But they are still loved, they are human beings and they are someone’s child.

You see, for that parent, they have dreamed of what that child will be like. They will have started decorating the nursery in their mind. Picking their first outfit. Packing the hospital bag. They will have begun to wonder or maybe even found out whether the child will be their little baby boy or little baby girl. They will have imagined the baby’s personality, hair, fingernails and the sound of their little giggle.

And so, when that life is tragically ended, there is grief.

Deep grief.

Grief like that of any person who experiences the sting of death.

There’s grief and sorrow and tears and loneliness and questions and heart-break and disappointment and shock and uncertainty and numbness and… and… and… well how do you even begin to articulate all that emotion to those around you?

It’s the death of a hope, of a life never to be lived, of a dream never to be realised and vitally, of a person. And this is where we need to be clear in a society muddled in confusion about the value of human life and in which babies in the womb are expendable – miscarriage is the loss of a human baby. A person made in the image of God, full of potential. A tiny person who should never have died – because that was not God’s original design for this world.

That’s tragic.

Don’t be surprised that there’s grief.

And the thing about grief is that it sticks around for a while. The initial tears may dry up, but sorrow is carried around in the heart for a long time after. When the baby’s due date comes round it’s a day of lament; the decision to try for another baby is an exercise of faith in God, of summoning courage and facing fear head on; subsequent pregnancies are tainted with anxiety; and for some there’s a long journey of uncertainty ahead, a journey that may never result in a biological child.

The grieving parents may have stopped crying, they may have stopped talking about the miscarriage, they may even be pregnant again – but don’t assume it’s all over. Because the processing continues, their conversation with their sovereign heavenly Father is ongoing, and quite simply, the painful memory never totally disappears.

Which leads us to the last (and much briefer) pointer…

Do continue to care for them for the long haul

It’s a simple point, but if you don’t assume that the trauma and pain is over because x months have passed or they’re pregnant again, then you will continue to ask “how are you doing?”

This is profoundly helpful, otherwise grieving and hurting people may feel like there is a certain date when they are meant to be “sorted” by. This may lead to isolation and guilt, but the gospel says that we can never exhaust Jesus’ compassion. His mercy and grace are endless, and the gospel says that we surely need it and can access it all the time. What’s more, he’ll never tire of the grieving parent bringing their sorrow to him. So we should model ourselves on him as we seek to support others.

“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth… Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”

Isaiah 65

So there we have it – 3 do’s and 3 don’ts. This was a painful post for us to write, but we hope you found it helpful. Our prayer is that the Lord uses this post to help you as you interact with people around you who are suffering the grief of miscarriage.

Please do share this post if you think others would find it useful.

Can you love your children too much? We hear people saying things like “my children are my world” and “my kids are my everything” a lot – what should we make of this? The big idea of this blog post is this: you can love your children too much. Yes, that’s right. If you’re intrigued, then read on.

Before we get too controversial, let us reel it in a bit. It is our privilege and joy to love our children. God gives us our children into our care to love and care for them. When we love our children we image our God – he is the ultimate parent who perfectly loves humanity, his children. We are to model our love for our children on our perfect God.

So that’s pretty high stakes for the love we should have for our children.

If that sets the bar of how much we should love our children, how could we possibly love our children too much?

In order to see this, we need to ask a question:

What is the ultimate good that I want for my child?

We need to come to a settled conviction of what is the most important thing for our children’s lives  – the thing that we consider our highest priority for them.

Let us suggest something. Our children are created by a God who loves them and wants to know them. The greatest gift that God has given to our children is himself – knowing him is the most fulfilling, joy-giving, satisfying reality that our children could experience. The best thing we can do for our children is introduce them to the gospel, and help them (with the Spirit’s work) to fall in love with Jesus.

People often speak of wanting, above all else, for their children to be happy. We think that’s not a great enough ambition. We want our children to be joyful. We want them to have a deep-seated, unshakeable and secure joy – the kind of joy that can only be found in Jesus. The kind of joy that can only be found when Jesus is at the centre of our children’s lives. The kind of joy that only comes when our children find their security, identity and sense of purpose first and foremost in Jesus.

But here’s the thing. If we communicate to our children that we love them more than anything else, we end up robbing them of the best thing we can give them. We want our children to see that there is someone who we love even more than them, and who they should too. We want to communicate through how we speak and live that Jesus is wonderful, and that he’s at the centre of everything. We want to speak about him passionately, warmly, winsomely and regularly! We want them to see, through our words and example, that Jesus is our deepest source of joy.

When we do this, when we love Jesus more than our children, we love our children better.

You see when Jesus isn’t our highest love, something else is, and that’s a problem. It’s a problem because we look to our highest love to provide for us in various ways. We look to it for our ultimate sense of worth, acceptance and joy. But many of these things that we make ultimate can’t live up to what we ask of them. They can’t provide the joy what we want them to. They’re finite and fallen and will disappoint us. Jesus is the only one who won’t.

If something other than Jesus is our highest love, we end up putting too much pressure on it to provide what it can’t. If that’s our children, that’s not loving to our children. But if Jesus is our highest love and we look to him for our joy, security, identity etc, then we don’t put the pressure on our children to provide those things. We love our children more by loving them less. Or, to be more accurate, we love our children more (and better) by loving Jesus even more than we love them.

So there we have it. Are you convinced? Let us know in the comments below. And if you found this post helpful or thought-provoking, please help it to reach more people by sharing it on social media.

It’s our blog’s first birthday!

We can hardly believe it’s been a whole year since we first started our blog.

It’s been quite a journey. Let’s take a moment to revisit it…

We started blogging at Gospel-Centred Parenting for a couple of reasons.

To remind us of the gospel

We started the blog to help us as parents apply the gospel to our parenting. At the time we had a toddler and Cathy was pregnant with our second child. We were starting our blog as we were starting out on our parenting journey.

The blog was birthed out of hard places. We mentioned that we were expecting our second baby, but his healthy pregnancy came after two miscarriages. We started this blog when we were still grieving the loss of those pregnancies, and we wanted to remember that the gospel really is good news for us as parents, as well as for our children.

But we were writing for another reason too…

To point others to the gospel

We also wanted to encourage other parents with the gospel. That’s why we picked and paid for the the domain “Gospel-Centred Parenting” and worked pretty hard to work our way up the Google ranking when people searched these words. We wanted other parents who were weighed down with the struggles and daily grind of parenting to be comforted by the amazing gospel of grace found in Jesus.

We wanted our blog to be characterised by the gospel. We wanted the gospel to be explored, cherished and explained in every post. We wanted to avoid the trap of simply calling our blog “gospel-centred” only to then insert some handy lifestyle tips or self-help motivational prose in it. We wanted people to be able to guess what we were going to write about in each post – the gospel – albeit from different angles and applied to different situations. We hope we’ve been able to explain that amazing story, those incredible truths, and paint a picture of our glorious saviour with originality and flair – a tricky thing to do each week! It’s been a good discipline for us though, lest we ever tire of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

As we’ve sought to encourage others with the comfort of the gospel, we’ve been majorly encouraged in return.

We’ve been really encouraged by you. We are excited by how God has been growing a community of gospel-centred parents. We’ve been encouraged by how you are gospelling your children in the everyday; how you are believing the gospel is good news to sustain you through the highs, lows and sheer exhaustion; and how you are seeking to make major decisions in light of the gospel.

So thank you!

It’s encouraging that there’s an army of like-minded parents all over the country, and indeed, world, who are doing this crazy parenting thing with Jesus in the centre (well, at least that’s the intention).

Knowing there are others doing the same thing emboldens and strengthens us.

We’ve spent some time today looking over the statistics for our blog over the last year, and were overwhelmed and humbled with the people who’ve connected with our blog.  Here’s a few fun stats:

Number of users: 6,064

Continents with readers: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Australasia, Asia (Not Antartica- yet!)

Number of blog posts: 60

Number of competitions: 2

Number of incidents of writers block: 1

Number of marital arguments over the blog(!): 1

Number of trolling incidents: 1

Number of blessings: too many to recount!

Here’s some things that you’ve said over the last year:

“I just wanted to write to say thanks for your blog, your insights and parenting wisdom… I’m a silent blog reader normally but this has made me think again and so I hope I can encourage you in the way I’ve been encouraged! So thanks for writing and spurring us on to parent for Christ.”

“Thanks for your blog. I really get a lot from it. I usually read it during a night feed as it’s the most peaceful time of the day at the minute!”

“Ah, wow…thanks for this really helpful blog. It’s so good to do a heart check!”

“Both just read this and so grateful for your honesty and insight. Really connect with your thinking and found it very moving.”

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It helps us to keep motivated to write our posts, and to be intentional in our parenting – even though it’s tough!

Here are, according to the stats, our three top blog posts of the last year:

1. Talking to your kids about sex
2. Five minutes that ruined my day and five words that redeem it
3. Five parenting mistakes to avoid| Discontentment 

(We’ve pretty much learnt that the scarier something is to publish the more traction it gets. People like real. And real makes much of Jesus so we’re cool with that.)

So, what does the future hold for Gospel-Centred Parenting?

This next year we aim to keep pointing ourselves and others to Jesus through weekly blog posts. As well as this we’ve got a couple of exciting ideas in the pipeline of other resources to equip us to parent in a gospel-centred way, so watch this space for them. These ideas are in the early stages, but you may hear more about them in time.

Thank you

So thank you again. We’ve loved thinking about parenting our boys with your support and encouragement. It’s been great doing this is community with you and we pray that God will bless you and your families this coming year.

With love,

Scott and Cathy

What emotions spring to mind when you think about parenting?

Hopefully there are some lovely ones – joy, anticipation, love, trust, amazement. Some others may sneak in there too – anger, sadness… maybe even occasional disgust.

Here’s an emotion that I think, at one time or another, is pretty universal for parents:

Fear.

It’s not always a bad thing. Fear of your child being run over causes you to hold on tightly to their hand when you walk by a busy road. Fear of your child choking causes you to chop up their food.

But let’s be honest – fear isn’t simply about these things, is it? We fear all sorts of things, and many of them aren’t nearly so rational. Or if not irrational, at the very least we fear things that we have very little control over. We fear things about our children’s futures that we can’t possibly micromanage enough to control the outcome – they’re simply too complex.

We fear hypothetical illnesses that we have no reason to assume are imminent. We fear that we’re not doing the right things to encourage their growth in language, social skills, sporting prowess, academic ability, or whatever it is. We fear how they’ll make friends, how they’ll behave in different situations without us there, how they’ll cope in this world that’s changing in ways we don’t like.

Here is the heart what we want you to see in this post, here’s what we want to believe more deeply: most of our parenting fears are not real. Most of our fears are stories that we tell ourselves, that we choose to believe. We need to stop listening to these stories, and instead listen to the story of the gospel.

Let me take one example to help you see this.

We fear how our children will cope in a world that’s changing in ways we don’t like. Different fears for the future will play out for different people. We see a political direction that makes us uncomfortable or a shift in the values that our culture celebrates that don’t align with ours. We see ways that it’s becoming more difficult to be a Christian who holds to a Biblical worldview. We see the threat of global warming and the slowness of the world’s response and we wonder where it will end up.

We see these changes in the world around us, we follow the trajectory of their stories, and we don’t like the plotline that we can see coming.

We imagine a story of where the world is going, we believe that story, and the result is fear.

Now listen to a different story. It may look no different, externally. The political story may continue to develop differently to how we’d like. The moral decline of society might continue; intolerance may increase; the world may increase in temperature.

But need that result in fear? Well of course, we should be concerned about these things. Humanity is called to be stewards of this world, and so we want to see that done in the best way possible – whether it’s ecologically, societally, morally or politically.

But fear? I’m not sure the story needs to go there.

Here are two wonderful verses that are true for you, and are true for your children:

Matthew 10:29-31:

“ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Romans 8:15

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.””

Here are two things that mean that you don’t need to fear the way this world is going – even if your worst case scenarios play out.

God cares about our children. He really does. But more than that, he is sovereignly in control of even the minutiae of what happens in this world. The story of history is not outside of his control. God assigns us deep worth, and he is in control. So whatever happens to us, whatever happens to our children, fear need not be the emotion that we experience. We can trust God. His sovereign hand is active, and he acts for his children who he deems to be of deep worth.

And for those of our children who are Christians, that truth can be taken a step further. However the future plays out, there is a wonderful, mind-boggling truth that we can cling to. Our children have the Spirit in them. Even if the world is terrifying, they don’t need to be a slave to fear. They have the Spirit of sonship. They are adopted into the family of God. They know God as father. They don’t need to have fear, whatever’s going on, because the God of the universe is their father, and he’s caring for them. They don’t need to fear, and nor do we.

The story of our fear is that our children will be crushed in this hard world. The story of the gospel is that our God is good and in control whatever happens, that he’s a caring Father. This is all made possible because of what Jesus has done.

Do you see how this makes a world of difference? Here’s what we said earlier: most of our parenting fears are not real. Most of our fears are stories that we tell ourselves, that we choose to believe. We need to stop listening to these stories, and instead listen to the story of the gospel.

The story of the gospel means that we can have a radically different perspective on the stories that bring us fear. There are truths and promises that we can cling to that rewrite our stories of fear.

So here’s the challenge. Next time you feel fear taking over your parenting, ask yourself this question: what story am I choosing to believe? Understand that, understand how the gospel tells a different story, and pray that the Spirit of Sonship would speak words of comfort to your heart.

Fear is pretty much a universal emotion in parenting. But it need not be. The story of the gospel means that we can be liberated from fear, into the freedom of the gospel. Praise the Lord!

Isn’t it funny how conversation changes when you have children?

We’re sure our conversation used to be so much more intelligent, wide-ranging, witty and (frankly) interesting.

Now, conversation often seems to revolve around something child-related. The latest tantrum. The new milestone. That funny thing they unintentionally said. The cute show of affection that took us by surprise.

It just seems to happen. When we came into parenting, we were conscious of how all that parents seem to talk about is their children. We were determined not to be one of those parents. We still do really try to make an effort. And yet conversation so often seems to get round to that same old topic. Children.

Anyway, onto the subject of this post.

It seems like much of our child-related conversation of late has revolved around the subject of nursery.

Our eldest is currently two and a half, and children in the UK tend to start nursery for 15 hours per week aged three. Lots start at age two in fact, but up to now we’ve decided that we’d wait until three (that may well change soon).

When thinking about nursery, there are so many factors to consider! Morning or afternoon? Which school should we send him to for nursery, bearing in mind he’ll probably end up going there until he’s aged 11? Should we send him to the closest school? The school with the best outdoor space? The school with the smallest class sizes? The school with the best OFSTED rating? The school that has the nicest “feel” (whatever that means!)? The list goes on.

You can see why it’s such a big topic at the moment. The reality is that up until now the main influencers in his life have been the two of us (with some occasional input from time at his grandparents). But very soon, that is about to change. Soon, he’ll have nursery teachers who will have a significant amount of time inputting in to his life. Soon he’ll be surrounded by other children who will all, in some small ways at least, expose our son to different views and behaviours and values. While we still intend to be the biggest influencers in his life (as we believe this is the role of Godly parents) he will be exposed to other voices too.

What does it mean for the gospel to shape this decision?

It’s easy to get caught up with what everyone else is considering as most important for their children as we face this decision. Academic achievement. Whole-person development. Good pathways into secondary schools. And so on, and so on.

Many of these are right to consider. God creates the whole person, he gives us gifts and abilities that we want to see flourish – that’s glorifying to him, afterall. That’s a Christian way to view education, we must factor them in.

But here are a few additional questions that we think are important to consider to help the gospel shape our decisions about our childrens’ education.

Before we get there though – education is one of those big (and heated!) topics debated by Christians. Oftentimes we don’t understand the education systems or cultural options that are mainstream in other cultures. This post will mainly relate to British Christian parents who decide to send their children to school. This isn’t a post debating the positives and negatives of homeschooling/ private schooling/ public schooling etc, although perhaps that could be fun another day. This is simply helping us ask some gospel-centred questions given the fact that we have decided to send our children to school.

So with that caveat in place, here they are:

1. Which school has other Christian children in it, creating a support network when things get tough?
2. Which school will allow my children to have friends from different socio-economic, religious and ethnic backgrounds, teaching them to communicate with and be empathetic towards a variety of people, and thus equip them for gospel conversations?
3. Which school is most open to us as parents being involved in school life, giving opportunities to bless the school community?

What other questions did/will you ask yourself when the time comes to choose a school? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below!