Scott and Cathy | Gospel-Centred Parenting

5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid | #2 Competitiveness

Scott and Cathy 5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid October 3, 2016May 28, 2017 0 Comment

“When did your little one start walking? 12 months? Oh darrrrling, my little princess Cherry-Blossom could do back flips by then!”

There are certain parenting mistakes that we can make. We’re not talking about mistakes like not keeping a boundary we’ve set, or saying something in our child’s hearing we shouldn’t. No, we’re talking about a different kind of mistake – mistakes in the realm of what we believe – the mistake of forgetting the gospel and being robbed of our joy and freedom in parenting. These are mistakes in what we believe about God, ourselves or our children, things that lead to a sense of guilt and inferiority, or else pride and superiority.

That’s why we decided to write this series of posts: “5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid”. The aim of this series is to remind us of the wonderful good news of Jesus in areas where we often forget it as we parent. If you missed the first post (“5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid: The Comparison Game”), then click through to read it, and to find out more about this series.

This week we’re thinking about the second of these parenting mistakes: competitiveness.

But before we go any further, just a quick reminder. There’s a type of competitiveness we very much encourage – entering our competition! You have until just 5pm today to enter our competition to win a Madlug backpack. Click through to last week’s post to read more about this wonderful organisation and find out how to enter – the winner will be announced tomorrow!

Back to this week’s topic.

Getting The Scales Out

We’ve all met one, haven’t we? A parent like Cherry-Blossom’s mum. That parent who is constantly putting their child on the scales against yours. Which child talked first, or with greater clarity or broader vocabulary? Which child is more socially accomplished? Which child has greater dexterity, better problem-solving skills, has a better grasp of maths, is more creative, is more beautiful? Which… well you get the picture.

The funny thing is, it always seems to be their child that tips the balance.

Not many parents are as brash as little Cherry-Blossom’s mum. Most are far more subtle. We see it in that knowing little look or that “innocent” comment.

Competitive parenting is so unattractive.

But let’s not be too quick to point the finger. We love our children, we spend so much time with them and grow to appreciate their talents, the developmental steps they take, the new things that they learn. That’s right, of course. But as we do that, it’s all too easy for us to move from simply appreciating them, to comparing them to others. When this comparison starts, we’re just a few short steps away from being that competitive, pushy parent.

A Bit Of Healthy Competition?

So what’s the problem? A bit of healthy competition is good, right?

We’re not so sure. Broadly speaking, we think that competitive parenting only ends up leading to one of two things.

Firstly it can lead to pride or arrogance. As we look at other children in comparison to ours and come to the conclusion (rightly or wrongly) that our child is “better”, we feel proud or arrogant. We feel superior to that other parent – their child is clearly either genetically inferior, or else their parent(s) haven’t done quite as good a job as us.

On the other hand, if we’re on the sharp end of competitive parenting or if we look at our child and see that they’re behind their peers, we’re deflated. We feel guilty – have I not been doing the right things to teach my child? Am I doing something wrong? We feel inferior – I’m just not as good a parent. We feel disappointed – why can’t my child outdo the others? We feel short-changed – how come I’m the one who gets the child that struggles?

It’s not a surprise that here on the Gospel-Centred Parenting blog we think that the gospel has something to say to competitive parenting.

A Unique Answer To Competitiveness

What the gospel says to competitive parenting is wonderfully liberating.

The Bible describes humanity as made in the image of God. Every single person has dignity and is deeply significant because they bear the likeness of the God who made them.

And what’s more, that is not simply generally true of all people, but personally true of each individual in a unique way. Check out these wonderful verses from the Psalms:

“You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Your child was intiricately and purposefully created by our kind Father. They are who they are because that is how God designed them. That means that gratitude is the appropriate response to your child’s abilities (be they top or bottom of the class) because the good, sovereign God of the universe knew exactly who he wanted them to be, and made them so. That strips away both inferiority and pride (it’s not down to us really – and even when have taught our children something well, it’s only because God knew my frame in the secret place and knit me together to enable me to do it – it’s down to him, not me!) We can rejoice in who our children are.

What’s more, we can rejoice in how God has made the other children around us too. They are masterpeices of God’s creative, varied goodness and each show us something of him as his image-bearers.

So next time you meet Cherry-Blossom’s mum at play group, don’t let her comment get to you. Whether what she’s saying is true or not, you can rejoice in both who Cherry-Blossom is, and in who your child is – there’s no need to compete. You can be grateful to God the master craftsman, and you can get on with your day with joy and freedom.

Hip Hip Hooray, we’re on the Shortlist!

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized October 1, 2016September 30, 2016 2 Comments

We’re super excited to announce that we’ve been shortlisted for an award!

The Premier Digital Awards seek to “celebrate and encourage excellence in Christian engagement online”. We’re incredibly humbled to have been shortlisted for the “Up-and-Coming” Award. Check out the shortlist here.

We write this blog because we’re convinced that the gospel speaks into every area of our lives including parenting. It’s wonderful news for parents and for children, and we really want to see parents liberated, inspired, edified, emboldened and comforted by the good news of Jesus. But it’s also lovely to see our blog recognised by Premier Digital – we hope that this helps more people to engage with what we’re writing and, by God’s grace, enjoy the gospel for themselves afresh.

We hope you continue to enjoy our musings. Please keep engaging with the blog and sharing the content – it’s a huge encouragement to us when you do.

With love,

Scott and Cathy

GIVEAWAY: A WIN for you, and a WIN for a child in foster care

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized September 26, 2016September 25, 2016 1 Comment

We’re excited for our first ever GIVEAWAY on Gospel-Centred Parenting! This week we’re giving you the opportunity to win a Madlug backpack. If you win, you choose the colour and we’ll ship it to you, wherever you live in the world!

To enter, simply ‘LIKE’ our Facebook Page, and then ‘SHARE’ this post on Facebook.

Don’t worry if you’ve already liked our page, just share the post and you’ll still be entered (make sure you click ‘share’ on the original post on the Facebook page to be in with a chance of winning).

So why this backpack?

Madlug (short for ‘Make A Difference LUGgage’) is a business with a difference. For every bag purchased, “Madlug will give a bag to a child in foster care because no child should carry their life in a bin bag.”

The company was birthed after it’s owner, Dave Linton, attended a course about fostering. He watched a video in which a girl in a wheelchair said this:

Health Trusts don’t provide suitcases. Sometimes foster carers loan us a suitcase but more often our belongings are moved in black plastic bin bags and we lose our dignity”.

Dave decided to start a business which would produce high quality bags. When a customer purchases a bag, Madlug donates one to a child in foster care, recognising their worth and dignity, and giving them the respect that they deserve.

We think it’s a fantastic idea, and we wanted to raise awareness of it.

Please enter our competition to help spread the word, and bear Madlug in mind next time you need to buy a back pack, laptop bag, luggage bag or gym bag – they have a great range!

The winner will be announced on Tuesday 4th October, and can choose the colour of their choice.

Just to remind you:

To enter ‘LIKE’ our Facebook Page, and then ‘SHARE’ the original post from our Facebook page.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” – Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:12

Goals and Ambitions

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized September 19, 2016May 28, 2017 0 Comment

What are you aiming for in life?

Please actually think about it. What are your goals? Your aspirations? Your dreams? What are you working towards?

I (Scott) write this as I sit on a train on my way back from a lovely trip to London to see the new Harry Potter play (incredible, in case you were wondering!….and there won’t be any spoilers so don’t look away now). This is a trip that has been planned for a long time – the theatre tickets were a gift from my dear friend, bought before Cathy and I were even expecting the baby. Cathy very kindly had the boys while I was away. The journeys have given me a rare opportunity to sit – on my own, without distraction – and think. It has made me realise how infrequently I do this.

So why don’t you take the opportunity to do it now. Answer that question above: what are you aiming for in life? Be honest with yourself. If you’re a Christian, you’ll know many of the right answers: to become more Christlike; to serve his people as well as you can with the gifts he’s given you; to work towards the growth of the kingdom; to love your family and point them to Jesus…

You’ll know the right answers, and you’ll no doubt be doing these things. But I want to challenge you today. Are godly ambitions what drive you and what you purposefully strive towards? Or are they simply things you hope will happen along the way?

If you’re wondering what this has to do with parenting then don’t worry – we’ll get there!

I used part of my journey to London to listen to some podcasts, including a really interesting TED talk. The talk, in large part, was aiming to challenge the listener to examine their ambitions for life.

The culture that we’re immersed in doesn’t simply neutrally exist around us. The culture around us promotes a worldview. We’re constantly bombarded with truth claims and messages about what matters in life – what it means to be successful; what we need to do, or own, or achieve to be happy; what gives a person significance. Many of these claims are contrary to the Christian worldview, and yet it is so easy to unquestioningly imbibe the messages that our culture feeds us.

Convincing Lies

For me, if you’ll permit a moment of honesty, the truth claim (or lie!) that I’m most easily deceived by is the lie that life and security is found in financial success.

As with all convincing lies, there has to be an element of truth. It is certainly true that having money can enable one to do lots of things that one wouldn’t be able to otherwise. It’s true that poverty robs people of life and is not good. But does it bring security? No – so many things can cause the foundation of financial success to crumble very quickly. And does it bring life? No – not the true ‘life to the full’ that Jesus offers.

What lies deceive you? Is it the pursuit of comfort and leisure? Or academic success? Beauty? Popularity? These things, and more, are all held up by our culture as ultimate things – things that we need for true life and happiness. So what lies deceive you?

As we see the lies that we’ve come to believe, we begin to see how we’ve shaped our lives around working towards achieving what these lies promise. They shape how we spend our time, what we think about, what we talk about. They shape our dreams.

It’s so important then that we take time to ponder this, to repent, to reevaluate our priorities and use of time and to reset the course of our lives again. To get back on to the path that we so easily fall from.

Aspirational Family Life

Let’s get more specific here and think about parenting – this is a Christian parenting blog, after all. What are your goals and aspirations for your family life, and for your children? Again, please try to take a moment to really think about this. Don’t just deceive yourselves with the right answers.

A helpful way to evaluate this might be to think about the following questions.

What do the things you encourage your children to spend time doing say about your priorities for them?
Think about some of the conversations that you’ve had with your children over the past week – what do they communicate to your child about what you see as important?
If you asked your child what they think makes you proud of them, how would they answer? Or if they wouldn’t be old enough to answer that, answer it yourself – what things are you most proud of in your children?
When you let yourself dream about how you want your children to turn out, what does that picture look like?

Just like us, our children are being constantly influenced by the truth claims of the world around them. But the biggest influence in the formation of their worldview, frighteningly, is you. And me. Their parents.

If we are buying in to the lies of our culture, then we will be passing those lies on to our children.

This post isn’t intended to induce guilt as a motivator for change. Guilt is a poor motivator.

As we’re confronted with our failures as parents, we must remember that there is grace for us. But more than that we (and our children, if they’re believers) have the Spirit in us to enable us to change.

It is grace that enables us to face hard truths about ourselves. It is in the context of full, free acceptance in Jesus that we are liberated to pursue change, to be honest about ourselves and to realign our gaze. We know that Jesus loves us as we are, but loves us enough to long for us to not stay as we are.

It is grace that enables us to dream big even when that exposes us in the present – it allows us to envisage a heart for ourselves and our children that is captivated by Christ and that finds true life in him, in stark and yet beautiful contrast to the world around us.

So if you’ve got this far in the blog post and have still not taken the time to examine your goals and ambitions in life, please do it now.

And then take the time to dream.

Five Minutes That Ruined My Day (And Five Words That Redeem It)

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized September 13, 2016June 20, 2018 10 Comments

I write this at the end of a stressful day.

It’s early days of having two children. Our toddler is 2 years and 3 months old, our baby is 5 weeks old. Up till now I’ve had loads of support – Scott had two weeks paternity leave, our church family and my mum cooked us meals, my parents were around to do a multitude of tasks: to take us on outings, to occupy the toddler, to burp the baby, to bring in the laundry etc. It’s been wonderful – a breeze in fact, you could have even signed me up for the next kiddo! Until today that is…

Today I had a textbook toddler tantruming moment. Standard, you may think, but this happened while I was trying to breastfeed a distraught new-born baby in front of a crowd of people! Let me set the scene.

I was in our local shopping centre. I was pottering around the shops with the boys in the tandem pushchair. I could see that Boaz was starting to stir so I made a beeline for the play room (an empty shop with toys in – a brilliant idea – thank you Management of Middleton Grange!) I got the 2 year old out to play with the toys, and proceeded to feed the baby. “This is going well” I naively thought to myself.

And then the inevitable happened…

The toddler decided that he wanted to kiss the baby.

“What’s wrong with that?” you ask yourself. Well nothing I suppose. It’s really sweet that the toddler wants to kiss his brother. He’s very affectionate little boy who loves to cuddle, kiss, hold hands and tickle. But the issue is this – he’ also strong, big, enthusiastic and not at all aware of his own strength. He could quite literally kill his brother with kindness. In fact today I left the living room very briefly and came back to the heart-stopping scene of him spooning the baby (at first glance I thought he had laid on top of him!) It’s gorgeous behaviour in a way – I love that our toddler is excited about the new member of our family, but it’s terrifying too because he simply will not heed the instruction to “be gentle.”

Back to the story at hand…

So, the toddler decided that he wanted to kiss his brother while I’m breastfeeding. At first he kisses his head gently, “Good boy” I say, “What a lovely big brother you are.” But then the kisses get more fierce – he’s pressing down on the baby’s head, he’s trying to pull the baby out of my arms to give him a cuddle, “Gently! You must be gentle” I repeatedly say. And the whole thing escalates and the toddler and I are basically playing tug of war with the baby! With a raised voice I’m saying, “Stop that now – you’re hurting your brother!” The poor babe has had his feed interrupted, his body pulled about, and he’s pretty disgruntled – in fact he’s screaming at full volume to let the whole shopping centre know about it.

So now the toddler is whining loudly, the baby is screaming and I’m trying to us this moment as a moment of correction! The drama subsides and the scene settles again as I get the baby latched on and encourage the toddler to build a tower – but we’re all feeling a bit fractious.

The toddler momentarily builds a tower and then decides it’s time for another kiss! Well you can imagine how the scene goes – in fact it escalates so much this time that the toddler decides to go for the ultimate form of shopping centre rebellion – he decides that he’s going to leg it out of the play room and away from mummy as fast as he can! So here I am, baby half latched on chasing the run-away toddler while making threats in a very public place! (“Come here or we will be going straight home! Do you want to go home? I mean it, we won’t go to the park. We won’t go and see your friends.”)

With the aid of a sweet elderly lady I get a screaming toddler and baby strapped into the pram. The crowd of people in the play room give me sympathetic smiles as I make my dramatic exit – trying to look unphased but undoubtedly with cheeks burning.

On reflection, it’s quite a sweet and funny thing to have happened – one of those memories that I’ll look back on fondly when the boys have flown the nest. However, the stress and embarrassment of those five minutes ruined my whole day. As much as I tried to take my deep breaths, remember the gospel, and talk to myself about the reality of the situation (“it was only 5 minutes, it’s over now!”) the truth is, the day didn’t really seem as rosy after that. I was keen for the little ones to go to bed, to watch some tv, and have a glass of vino!

So, why did it ruin my day? Well, after reflecting on it, I think it ruined my day because of my PRIDE. Which also makes a fairly nifty acronym to summarise what was going on in my heart.

Pride

Pride – The whole situation dented my pride. I had been feeling pretty confident in my ability to look after the boys – thrilled in fact that it was going so well in comparison to how challenging I found looking after Reuben as a first time mum. It’s ok to rejoice in happy times and to be relieved when things are going well – but I definitely shouldn’t base my sense of self-worth on my performance, because it’s very easily shaken.

Reputation – I didn’t know any of the people in the play room. They were all strangers. And yet their looks (whether judgmental or sympathetic) were just mortifying! I wanted them to think well of me and disliked the fact that I didn’t look like a “sorted” mum with two angelic children. Let’s face it – it’s much more pleasant to have strangers say to you, “what beautiful children” and “you look wonderful, I can’t believe you’re out of the house!” But why on earth should my reputation matter with strangers? Back to the pride thing again – it feels good to put confidence in our own ability, it panders to our sinful desire for self-reliance.

Identity – In that moment I was placing my identity in being a good mum. That’s why I wanted my reputation to be that of a “sorted mum” in the eyes of the people around me. That’s why it hurt to have my pride dented. But surely there’s a better identity for me than that of a good mum?

Discipline – confession time! One area of parenting that I find really hard and feel fairly insecure about is the area of discipline. I understand the principles behind it -I love my toddler and therefore don’t want him to be an utter rogue, it’s good for him to have boundaries, he needs to learn to respect authority etc. And yet I find it so hard to discipline him consistently. Partly because I love my own comfort (it’s easier to overlook things for a quiet life) but largely because it’s not really in my temperament. I hate confrontation and conflict. I’m more of a flight than fight kind of person. So discipline is a real challenge for me. But I do try.

One thing that I know is really important is showing children the consequences of their actions. So usually I only threaten things that I can follow through on. Not this time however. I threatened that we wouldn’t go to the park and see our friends (the toddler was really excited about this), and I thought that this would be enough to stop him running away from me. I offered him a simple choice – come back to mummy and we’ll go to the park. Continue to run away and we’ll go straight home. I wasn’t banking on him continuing to run away! But he did, and that meant we had to go straight home. I immediately regretted my words – I now was looking at spending three hours in the house with a naughty toddler before bedtime. I couldn’t cope with the thought of it, and so, kicking myself, I went back on my word and took him to the park despite his disobedience. I felt the guilt of “discipline failure” as well as feeling upset that my son wanted to disobey me.

Embarrassment – the whole thing was so embarrassing! The combination of it being so public and so stressful made it very embarrassing.

5 Words

But here’s the good news.

Those five minutes didn’t need to ruin my day. Why? Because there are five words that can redeem the whole situation.

“There is now no condemnation”

Romans 8:1

There is now no condemnation for me because I am in Christ Jesus.

Because of Jesus I don’t need to listen to condemning voices from within or from outside of myself, because the reality is I am not condemned in God’s sight. Far from being condemned, I am forgiven for my sins and failings. Far from being condemned, I am clothed with the very righteousness of Christ – making me pure and blameless in God’s eyes. Far from being condemned, I have the Spirit of Sonship within me to remind me of my new status and to change me so that my life increasingly reflects that reality. I no longer need to base my self-worth on my performance as a mum. My performance is irrelevant – it’s Jesus’ performance that counts.

Because I am clothed with Christ’s righteousness my reputation is that I am pure, spotless and sinless in God’s sight (how extraordinary!) My reputation before him means that my reputation in all other spheres of life pale into insignificance. He looks on me with love and devotion. A royal princess in his household. A daughter under his care. Part of his beloved bride, the church. That’s my identity. Once I see my reputation before him as being all the above (and much more beside!), then I realise that my identity is something much greater and more satisfying than being a “good mum”. So while the 5 minute incident was a bit embarrassing, I can get over it and still rejoice as I enjoy this unshakeable, permanent new identity that I have in Christ Jesus. Jesus’ work of salvation for sinners is indelible.

All this applies to the discipline issue too. I am not the perfect parent (gasps of shock from all of you I know) but none of us are. None of us can match up to God in his perfect parenting. He along judges issues impartially, he alone is without sin and therefore he alone is the only perfect disciplining parent. But the good news is that he doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. He doesn’t condemn us, but gives us grace and mercy – he does this even when we love our own comfort over the well being of the kids he’s entrusted to us, and he does it when we are harsh and unfeeling. There’s no condemnation for us imperfect parents – hallelujah!

And wonderfully, the Good News isn’t just that we get forgiveness and righteousness. But that we get these things, and we get the power to change. Romans 8 talks lots about those who are in Christ Jesus having the Holy Spirit. The Spirit works in us to renew our mind and give us new desires (v5) and he helps us put sin to death in our lives (v.13). This is truly good news – I can change to become a better parent with a less-messy heart because God is at work within me.

So there we have it. 5 minutes that ruined my day. But they didn’t need to. There is now no condemnation.

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Choosing a Child’s Name

Scott and Cathy Pregnancy September 10, 2016August 17, 2018 0 Comment

How do you choose a child’s name?

It’s a big decision isn’t it. After all, they’re going to be stuck with whatever name you give them for the whole of their lives. It’s one thing that you’ll do for your child that you know will have lifelong significance.

As Cathy and I chose our boys’ names, we felt this weight of responsibility.

So how do you go about picking a name for a child? Here are some ideas if you’re looking for a name, or just some thoughts if you’re interested in the topic.

It seems to us that there are a few different factors that can play into the choice.

* We originally wrote this post in 2016 including photographs and the names of our children in it. Since then we have decided to take down photographs of our children from our website and we don’t refer to them by name on our blog anymore. Click here if you would like to read our reasoning why.

This blog post still has some helpful ideas for naming children though, so we’ve kept it on the blog. We are now expecting our third child, so we are going through the name-picking process all over again!*

The Accent Test

If you saw our recent thank you video, you may have spotted Scott’s regional accent (it’s hard to miss). Cathy has a generic but mild northern English accent, but Scott’s is a fairly broad Hartlepool accent. His accent means that various vowel sounds are… let’s say unusual. As such, Cathy requires all potential names to go through the “Scott’s accent test”. Many lovely names have hit the cutting room floor after this ruthless test!

Popularity

When choosing names, some go for what’s popular at the time. In case you’re interested, here are the top 10 most popular boys names in the UK in 2016 so far:

Alfie
Oscar
Teddy
Harry
Jack
Arlo
Noah
Charlie
Jacob
Archie

Yes you read that correctly – number 6 is Arlo! We’ve literally never even heard of that name. We must be living in a bubble.

The top 10 UK girls names in 2016 so far, if you were wondering, are:

Isla
Amelia
Ava
Freya
Evie
Olivia
Esme
Elsie
Mia
Ellie

So popularity is one way to go when picking a name. Others go to the other extreme and try to go for something obscure. It’s a way of ensuring there won’t be 10 other children in the playground with the same name as your little one.

Family Names

There are other options too. Family names. We’ve gone for this with middle names. Our eldest’s middle name is taken from Cathy’s dad’s middle name. Our youngest boy’s middle name was Scott’s late Grandfather’s middle name.

We think it’s lovely for our children to have a sense of rootedness and connection to their biological family. Obviously their surname naturally does this, but we liked including a Christian family name too. Inheriting the surname is inevitable, but choosing to give your child the name of a family member can be a touching gesture for the family member you’ve chosen and for those who are closest to them.

A Virtue

Some friends of ours have chosen to include a virtue as one of their children’s names for each of their three children. We think this is a lovely idea. To take a virtue that you’d love for your child to display or to appreciate and make it part of their name is great idea. So our friends have ‘Joy’, ‘Hope’ and ‘Mercy’ as part of their children’s names. There’s so many more you could go for…

The Name’s Meaning

Another popular option for choosing your children’s names is to base it on the meaning of the name. This was how Cathy received her name. Cathy’s mum had a difficult pregnancy with Cathy, almost losing her and having to have a lot of bed rest. All babies are precious, but of course this heightened Cathy’s parent’s sense of how precious she was to them. As such they gave her the name “Catherine Amy”, meaning “beloved and precious” (although google says it means “pure”).

Our Name Choices

As we’ve already mentioned, we chose for our boys to have family names as their middle names.

But for their first names we decided to go for names of people from the Bible.

How did we choose which characters to go for?

Well it was partly people with names we liked – but that’s a given.

Beyond that though, we looked for two things. We looked for people with character traits that we hoped our boys would emulate. And we looked for people who pointed to Jesus in a way that made our hearts sing.

How we chose our eldest’s name

Our eldest is named after a protective big brother (given the fact he’s a big brother!) – he was protective even when his brothers didn’t deserve it, a trait we hope he’ll have. The character he’s named after had lots of reasons to throw his sibling under the bus. But as a protective older brother he stood up for his younger sibling, shielding him.

We pray that our son may well be the same – willing to lay aside his claim to getting what he feels he deserves when his siblings wrong him – willing to stand up for his siblings (and others around him) even when they don’t deserve it. Willing to control his anger and desire for revenge, willing to absorb that hurt in himself for the good of others, and willing to forgive those who wrong him.

And of course this beautifully reminds us of Jesus – the one who went to the greatest lengths to rescue us. In our sin we have wronged Jesus far more than anyone else has been wronged. Despite this, Jesus did all that was necessary to protect us from the far more just punishment that was coming our way. Jesus actually took our place. Jesus, the true older brother, died in our place so that he could rescue us and take us back to our Father. How wonderful!

Why We Chose Our Other Boys’ Name

Our second son is named after a really wonderful character.

This Bible character is a man of integrity. In a world where women were very often exploited and mistreated, he chose to care for a woman who was about as vulnerable as you could get. He chose to care for and graciously provide for her. Despite her weak position and despite the fact that she wasn’t even one of God’s people and had nothing to offer him, he lavishly provided for her and redeemed her.

We would love our son to emulate this. We live in a world where it’s so easy to care about yourself at the expense of others: to look down on those in need; to disparage the plight of the refugee; to make consumer choices that exploit the poorest and most needy. We pray that our son won’t just do the easy thing. We pray that, like his namesake, he will stand out from the crowd by fighting for the most needy in this world. We pray that he would seek to protect the vulnerable, to stand against injustice and to honour those who most will dishonour.

And once again, what’s most wonderful about this character is not his achievements and character, but the achievements and the character of the one he points us to. We too were in a desperate plight – in need of a redeemer who would lift us out of the poverty of our sin. We needed a protector and provider when we’re not just spiritually vulnerable, but spiritually bankrupt. And that’s exactly what Jesus, the great, great, great… great grandson of this character did. Jesus is the one who this character pointed to, who will never exploit the needy, but instead allowed himself to be exploited for our sake’s.

So there we have it. What names did you choose for your children, and why? We’d love to hear your story in the comments.

5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid | #1 The Comparison Game

Scott and Cathy 5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid August 29, 2016August 28, 2016 4 Comments

We’ve all read those parenting blog posts “7 steps to a contented baby”, “10 totally terrific tips to tame your toddler” and so on – you know the sort. They tend to be lists of more things that you ought to do (or not do) to “sort out” your children. Usually, they just leave you feeling guilty and inadequate.

Don’t worry – this isn’t one of them.

There’s some great stuff out there in the parenting blogosphere, but there’s also some content that leaves you feeling like you’re failing as a parent – that your parenting is just one mistake after another.

If you feel like that, then what you really need to hear is the gospel.

So, this week we thought we’d begin a series of parenting mistakes to avoid. But these won’t be simply more guilt-inducing posts (we hope!) Instead, we believe the gospel can bring a sense of liberation and freedom as we seek to parent, by breaking through some of the simple mistakes that weigh us down as we navigate the tumultuous world of Christian parenting.

So let’s get started with the first.

Mistake number 1: Comparing yourself to other parents

This is such an easy trap to fall in to.

You notice that mum who always seems to be so “together”. She’s made-up, has a plentiful supply of home-made, organic, healthy snacks and her children are so well presented.

Or you see that dad who, alongside holding down a busy and stressful job, seems to have the energy to invent crazy-fun activities with his children as well as thought-through times of family devotion that are the highlight of his children’s day.

Or you notice that mum at church who seems so good at gospelling her children when they’re naughty. She’s so calm when her children tantrum. She seems to be able to juggle parenting, reading the Bible with others in church, sharing the gospel with her friends, all while keeping a tidy home.

Or… what is it for you? What do you spot in other parents that makes you feel lacking, somehow?

It’s okay to aspire to grow and develop as a parent. But if you’re burdened by a sense of guilt or inadequacy because of the parents you see around you, then it’s time to stop playing the comparison game.

Why?

Because you are inadequate as a parent.

Our guess is that’s not where you thought this was going. The usual response to our sense of inadequacy would be to say something like “you’re trying your best, and that’s all you can do”, or “you’re doing a brilliant job” or “those other people are only putting up a front – look behind the scenes and you’ll see they’re no better than you”. The thing is though, all of these comforts still leave us with a nagging sense of guilt.

But it’s true. You are inadequate as a parent.

You do mess up. You do fail. So do we – a lot! And so does every other parent. Not a single parent has got this parenting thing down to a fine art.

Well actually, that’s not totally true. There is one parent who has. His name is God. The Father is the perfect parent.

We want to highlight two things about our Father that bring us comfort when we’re confronted with our sense of missing the mark as parents.

Here’s the first: God is a kind father to your children who cares for them even more than you do.

If you look at other parents and wish you were doing a better job of parenting, then know this truth: God cares for your children, and he will always act for their good. He’s the better parent that you’re not able to be. So if you’re going to compare yourself to anyone then compare yourself to him, and when you see just how far you fall short then know that your children aren’t left wanting. In him your children have a parent who will never drop the ball. That takes the pressure off your shoulders – that’s a truth that can help you to sleep at night.

“God cares for your children, and he will always act for their good.”

And know too (and here’s the second truth to cling to) that this God is also your parent, who has dealt with your inadequacy at the cross. He’s seen it, he’s borne it, and he has dealt with it. You don’t need to keep dealing with it by turning it over in your heart when your flaws are thrown into sharp relief by the parents around you. You are inadequate, yes. So are they – but that doesn’t make it any better. You’ve still failed your children even if they have too. But God forgives you, loves you, has dealt with your failure and can use whatever is going on for good, in the end. He’s in control.

So don’t be burdened by an unnecessary sense of guilt. Bask in the glorious sunshine of the gospel that has bought your forgiveness and freedom, and get on with the job of parenting knowing that you have a Saviour and a Father who supplies where you lack and forgives when you fail.

Gospel In The Everyday: Weddings

Scott and Cathy Gospel In The Everyday August 22, 2016 0 Comment

Earlier in the year we had the joy of attending the lovely wedding of some friends of ours.

Reu is at an age where he doesn’t really appreciate the finer details of weddings yet. He didn’t really see much of the ceremony – he was intent on swiping the pretty sequins off the table next to us, and playing with the bouquets of flowers that were attached to the barriers. In the end daddy took him out to play during the talk so that we weren’t too disruptive!

But one day, when he’s a bit older and more civilised (will that day ever come?!) we look forward to chatting to him and Bo about the significance of marriage. We wanted to share some ponderings to perhaps help you chat to your children next time you’re at a wedding.

It was such a special day, that reminded us of even more special realities.

As we watched the stunning bride walk down the aisle in her white dress – her Father beaming and delighted – it pointed to the greater meaning of marriage. As we saw the groom with eyes filled with wonder and awe at the beauty of his bride – it pointed to an even more magnificent love story. As we heard our friends vow to love, cherish and honour each other for the rest of their lives – their vows of commitment spoke of the unconditional love of another. Weddings point us to a wonderful reality embedded in the history and future of the universe – the thrilling reality that God loves the people he has made in an even more intense way than how a groom loves his bride. All human weddings are a picture of a greater love.

The First Ever Marriage

When the boys are older, we’ll be able to tell them that the first wedding happened at the very dawn of time. After God created the cosmos for his glory and our enjoyment, he created a companion especially for Adam. The first marriage was similar to every other marriage since. God the Father presented his daughter to Adam. He walked her down the aisle to her groom. God’s heart was full of excitement and satisfaction as he gave his beautiful daughter to her husband.

“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Genesis 2:18 – 26

Christ and the Church

And we’ll be able to tell them that the love that a husband and wife have for each other (whether mummy and daddy – or any other bride and groom that they see) are a picture of Jesus and his church. We’ll be able to explain to them that Jesus loves the church deeply – that he loves his people so much that he died for their cleansing. That Jesus makes it possible for his bride to wear a sparkling, snow-white wedding gown of righteousness. You see Jesus, like prince charming in Cinderella (but in a much more wonderful way), made it possible for the church to discard her rags of poverty and disgrace and be clothed in a ball-gown fit for a Queen.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:25-33

Marriage Supper of the Lamb

And then we’ll be able to tell him that there is a wedding day to come, where we, the church, the bride of Christ, will be united to our wonderful bridegroom Jesus. At long last, we will live with our God – never to be separated again. We will enjoy the ultimate wedding day as the beloved of Jesus and we will feast and celebrate at a banquet fit for royalty – for that it what we have married into.

“Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure”

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”

Revelation 19:6-9

Weddings are such wonderfully happy occasions – entire days set apart to celebrate covenantal love. They feel so indulgent don’t they? We wear beautiful outfits, we revel in the affection that the bride and groom have for each other, we feast on cake, we laugh and reminisce, we drink delicious wine and we dance the night away. That’s totally appropriate behaviour when we are celebrating a wedding. How wonderful that the joy that we feel at a wedding day is just a drop in the ocean compared to the joy that we’ll feel on our wedding day to Christ.

Guest Post: John Hindley on “Fatherly Kindness”

Scott and Cathy Guest Posts August 17, 2016August 17, 2016 0 Comment

This week we’re thrilled to be sharing the wisdom of John Hindley in a guest post on the Fatherly Kindness of God. John was Scott’s pastor while he was a university student in Manchester. He is a seasoned church planter (currently leading BroadGrace Church in Norfolk), father and author (of the brilliant book ‘Serving Without Sinking: How to Serve Christ and Keep Your Joy *‘, among others). We love John – he exudes joy in the gospel and love for Jesus and has a wonderful gift of warming hearts to the Father. We know he’s got lots of wisdom to be gleaned, so we hope you enjoy this post!

Kindness: an underrated virtue?

Kindness is an underrated virtue. I think we often put it in the same category as nice. It is the sort of thing that goes well with little children – their pictures are nice, their sharing is kind. As we grow up we want stronger virtues – goodness, integrity, courage. I don’t want to overplay the point, as kindness is part of the fruit of the Spirit as outlined in Galatians 5:22 but it is a virtue I had given little thought to.

I increasingly think it is a critical part of love. It is kindness that shows us whether our love is a cold and dutiful thing, or a warm and relational thing. Kindness is not a weak virtue, although it can be understood as one. The reason for this is that we wrongly play it off against truth. We see it as unkind to speak a difficult truth to someone. To tell a friend that they look fat in that is unkind, even if it is true. More importantly to tell a friend that they are not likely to get that job they’ve just applied for is unkind, even if it is true. The problem is that we are making kindness about what we do. More often, kindness informs how we do things. I can tell a friend the truth about clothes or jobs or their sin or their life kindly.

This is the power of kindness. It goes beautifully with truth, because it makes truth easier to hear. David writes, ‘Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it’ (Psalm 141:5). We know that the wounds of a friend are faithful (Proverbs 27:6) and they are delivered kindly.

Exasperating Fatherhood?

My growing appreciation of kindness over the last few years has gone hand-in-hand with a growing understanding of a verse that slightly puzzled me, Ephesians 6:4: ‘Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord’. I trusted the Lord that exasperating one’s children was a particular danger, but I couldn’t see why. Now I get it, and it is to do with a lack of kindness in me.

I now have three girls, Daisy, Eliza and Sylvia, and I see how I exasperate them. I will dish the dirt on myself, then show you how the kindness of a greater Father than me is undoing my sin and leading me through the sunlit meadows of repentance. There are two ways I exasperate my children. The first is through my inattention. This might be when my mind is occupied with something else – work, chores, plans for the evening or whatever. More often it is when my agenda is different to theirs. A fairly common example of this currently occurs most evenings around 6.30pm. My agenda is to get teeth done, milk warmed, stories read and beds filled. Daisy and Eliza’s agenda is to perform a dance show for me. Sylvia’s agenda is to play ‘running away from daddy shouting and waving my arms in glee’. My temptation is to simply force my agenda on them.

Nothing wrong with that, you might say, as they need to get to bed, and it is good for them to learn that they are not in charge. That is quite correct. The problem is that my heart is not seeking to do this for their good, but for my ease. I want it done so I can get on with chores, relaxing or work. I am not engaging with them, I am not interested in what they want. It is purely, selfishly, about me. And so I exasperate them, I do so by simply making it about obedience, not relationship. I repeat the instructions to do their teeth, louder and louder, getting crosser and crosser, even with the baby who doesn’t really get it. They respond with anger, defiance, and tantrums – exasperated little children.

Worse, though, sometimes I am glad to be at this point. Sometimes it is more deliberate than mere inattention. Sometimes I want to show that I am right, to show that I am in charge, to have a good reason for some proper discipline. Sometimes I want to turn their silliness, their tiredness, their craziness into sin and disobedience so that I am clearly in the right when I lose my temper, shout at them and make them obey me. I hate this in myself, and if you recognise it at all in yourself, you will too.

Kindness-fueled repentance

The way that the Lord is giving me repentance in this area is through his kindness. The antidote to the poison of exasperation is the kindness of God our Father. I have noticed how God treats his children with kindness, and that by the work of the Spirit in us, he makes us kind, just as his Son Jesus is kind. The kindness of God is firstly an objective reality towards us, with the coming and the cross of Christ at its heart:

‘For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.’ – Titus 3:3-7

Our salvation is kindness, shown by God. It is kindness that led him to send Christ to die our death, carry and kill our sin, and suffer our judgment on the cross. It was kindness that raised Christ from the dead to draw us into his new life of righteousness and joy. It was kindness that led our Father to pour out his Holy Spirit on us richly.

This is no surprise, because these very real and infinitely strong truths come to us so gently. The Spirit comes alongside us as a counsellor, drawing us to Christ and to growth in him. There is no forced change, no Jesus boot-camp, just the Spirit directing our gaze to Christ and in so doing, making us shine like the one we see (2 Corinthians 3:16-18).

We see the way that the Father saves us in the staggering promises, in the words spoken to a woman by a well in Samaria. We see this kindness as Christ invites Matthew and Zaccheus to himself, as he restores Peter’s life, hope, dreams and future in John 21. We see a God in Christ, the perfect radiance of the Father, who will not break a bruised reed (Matthew 12:20). We see kindness in what Christ does and says and how he does and says it.

Isn’t this our experience too? When I look back at my sin and folly, I am amazed how consistently the Lord has spared me from myself, how he has led me so gently to his Son again and again. My tantrums are frequent, my prayers of thanks are rare. But the kindness of my Father leads me to peace, not to exasperation, much as I deserve to be exasperated! So I have begun to pray for kindness for myself and for our family. I have found that the Spirit has pointed me to see the ongoing kindness of God in the bible and in my experience. I have found also, that he has worked kindness in me. It turns out that engaging with the world of my children means I really enjoy short shows some evenings, and they don’t mind so much if there isn’t time. I love being a kinder father, it is a joy and delight, it makes my children such a blessing to me, and it shows me a glimpse of the amazing kindness of my Father, which is the wellspring from which the Spirit draws what he works in me. I may even be a slightly less harsh husband as well.

There is kindness in our Father. It is deep and good, and it is directed towards us. It is also given to us. We can be like God, love like the Father and obey, wonderfully, the command not to exasperate our children. What loving kindness our God has.

We hope you enjoyed this guest post – we certainly did! Many thanks to John Hindley. If you enjoyed it, why not leave a comment below. If you think others would enjoy it too, then please do share it using the buttons below.

Our First Video, To Say Thank You!

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized August 5, 2016 1 Comment

We wanted to say a big thank you for your support, so decided to do something different – check out the video below.

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