Here is the next installment in our Global Insights series. In this series we hear from other parents, learning about how the context in which they live impacts their Christian parenting. So far we’ve learnt about parenting in the Middle East and South Sudan. In this post, we hear from Christian blogger Rachel Ridler who tells us about her experience of parenting in the North of England.
Where do you live and what’s it like?
I live in a town called Mexborough which is just on the edge of Doncaster in South Yorkshire. It is an ex-mining area so its not really the most aspirational of places, but I love the honesty of people around here when you get to know them. People really are quite caring in Yorkshire.
What are some of the challenges and opportunities that you face in Christian parenting because of your context?
The biggest challenge I face is that being a “proper Christian” really is being the odd one out round here. When I tell people that my husband works for a church, they are shocked. I even got asked to come in to nursery to teach the kids about Easter, as they had never had a practicing Christian parent before! I have to make sure I am proactive in teaching my sons about God in our home so that they can take that out into the world. I was very proud to hear that my eldest had been telling the nursery the nativity story, even that their nativity story book wasn’t good enough and he was going to bring a proper one in from home!
There are many opportunities though, as most people don’t know what it truly means to love God. I find it easy to make relationships with other mums round here, and they all know that I am “religious”. Again, I am the odd one out but in a good way and I have plenty of opportunities to love people.
What do you do to encourage your children to love Jesus?
We try to have some God-time everyday, whether that be listening to praise music, praying before bed or reading bible stories. We love using the Godventure materials and tried doing 40acts together last lent using the sticker chart. I think most importantly though is that we model how to love Jesus in our own lives, through generosity to others, through being part of a church family and through worship in our own home. Our sons see that and it is amazing to see them start to pick up on that. My eldest is already very generous with his friends because that is what we are like and I hope that spirit grows and grows. We are currently tackling the subject of prayer so any tips on how to do that appreciated!!
Rachel blogs at Rachel Ridler: Mum on a Mission, where she writes about her faith and parenting. It’s encouraging for us to read blog posts from other British Christian parents. Follow her on facebook here.
We’d also love to hear from you! Where do you live and how does your cultural context impact your Christian parenting? If you’d like to participate in this series then please fill in the form below.
We’ve mentioned before on this blog that in 2015 we suffered the heartbreak of two miscarriages. For us, they represent two precious babies that we never got to meet. Two personalities we never got to know. Two of our children’s lives that were cut too short.
There are so many painful things about miscarriages – to say we had such a sad time doesn’t come close.
And yet through those awful experiences there were numerous signs of the Lord’s kindness as he ministered to us.
One of the chief ways that we saw that was through kind members of our church family seeking to speak words of truth, comfort and gospel-hope to us through our grief. Did they always say the right thing? Definitely not. But their willingness to get alongside us, to share our grief and to seek to point us to our kind and compassionate Saviour in the midst of the darkness was wonderful.
We wanted to write this post to help you to do the same thing. Here are 3 things to avoid and 3 things to consider when speaking to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.
Don’t ask “how far along were you?”
We totally understand why people might ask this question. It has become almost the default question on hearing the news of a miscarraige. It’s true that the further on the pregnancy, the harder it is to physically deal with the effects of miscarriage. The further on the pregnancy, the more opportunity the parents have had to bond with the baby. All that is true.
But here’s the problem. When you say “how far along were you?” the suffering parent might just hear “the miscarriage matters less if it was an early miscarriage.” That’s not what the suffering parent should be made to feel in that moment. You don’t necessarily mean this, and it may well be useful for you to know how far along the pregnancy was, but maybe try to find out from someone else.
Instead, recognise that they’ve lost their baby, whether they were at 6 weeks or 6 months gestation, they’ve lost their baby. Support them through it.
Do demonstrate you care
Instead of the typical “how far along were you” question, perhaps say “I’m so sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?”
This gives them the option to tell you the details should they want to.
We found that sometimes we wanted to talk about the miscarriage and other times we didn’t, and we appreciated it when people respected that. We did want community, but we didn’t always want to talk. One night we went over to a Christian friend’s house and they asked “how are you?” Cathy answered “crap”. So we ate chocolate and watched a film together. These are the same friends who cried and prayed with us when we suspected that Cathy was starting to miscarry, who gospelled us on other occasions, and who asked the question “how can we love you through this?”
When grieving it can be really tempting to withdraw from Christian community, especially if you feel like you will be hit with a sermon and judgment for being sad, so don’t be the bearer of that sermon and judgment! Compassion, gentleness and just being there with them is priceless and in fact, Biblical (check out God’s rebuke of Job’s friends for being heartless to see this).
Don’t suggest blame
A number of well meaning relatives and friends made comments to Cathy after the miscarriages about how physically active she had to be during pregnancy, because she was looking after a toddler. In the second pregnancy a couple of people said “make sure you take it easy this time”.
This time?This time? What, you mean as opposed to last time, where my overexertion made me lose my baby?
That’s what we felt at the time. Now we know the people who said this, and we know that they didn’t mean to hurt with those words. But they did hurt.
There are a number of problems with comments like these.
Firstly, current scientific understanding suggests that there’s no reason to cut down physical activity with pregnancy, as there is no causal link between physical activity and a greater risk of miscarriage. It’s simply not factually correct.
But even if it were, it’s probably not the best thing to say. In the wake of a miscarriage, the last thing a parent in pain needs is to feel guilt for the miscarriage. They do not need to feel like they are somehow to blame for the loss of this precious little life.
Do point them to the only source of lasting comfort
The gospel is good news for everyone in any situation. That’s true for the grieving parent too.
The grieving parent needs to be reminded of the gospel. They need to know…
…that our heavenly father is full of compassion and grace for the broken-hearted
…that God never intended for death to exist but that it came about because of the brokenness of our world.
…that God hears our prayers and our sighs and he collects our tears.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
Psalm 56:8 (NTL)
…that Jesus wept at the grave of a loved-one.
…that our God became incarnate, and died to kill death once and for all – triumphing over it by his resurrection.
…that one day death will be no more and there will be no more tears, no more heavy-hearts, no more wavering faith and no more unanswered questions.
They need the comfort of the gospel – because they will find no lasting comfort anywhere else.
They need it and one day they will thank you for it.
But be careful in how you communicate it. Certainly don’t try and say it all at once!
When you have your friend’s broken-heart in your hands, treat it with great care. Speak gospel truths carefully, speak them compassionately, speak them prayerfully – lest, instead of gospel truths, your friend hears “you have forgotten important theology, you should be responding better than this” adding guilt to sorrow. They don’t need a theology lesson but in that moment they need to hear about the never-ceasing sympathy and hope of Christ.
If that sounds daunting it needn’t be. We found that we valued people trying to gospel us even if it was a bit clunky or came across a bit insensitive. Attempting to point hurting people to Christ will be greatly appreciated – we found that was a much better option than the alternative, which was people avoiding us because they found it all a bit awkward!
If face-to-face conversation sounds difficult to you then perhaps writing a comforting letter, lending a topical book or sending a Bible passage in a text message would be a realistic option for you? Reaching out to hurting people will bless them and help them feel supported.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
Don’t assume it’s over and done with
Miscarriage is the death of a loved one.
Yes it’s a loved one who’s been known for a relatively short time. But they are still loved, they are human beings and they are someone’s child.
You see, for that parent, they have dreamed of what that child will be like. They will have started decorating the nursery in their mind. Picking their first outfit. Packing the hospital bag. They will have begun to wonder or maybe even found out whether the child will be their little baby boy or little baby girl. They will have imagined the baby’s personality, hair, fingernails and the sound of their little giggle.
And so, when that life is tragically ended, there is grief.
Deep grief.
Grief like that of any person who experiences the sting of death.
There’s grief and sorrow and tears and loneliness and questions and heart-break and disappointment and shock and uncertainty and numbness and… and… and… well how do you even begin to articulate all that emotion to those around you?
It’s the death of a hope, of a life never to be lived, of a dream never to be realised and vitally, of a person. And this is where we need to be clear in a society muddled in confusion about the value of human life and in which babies in the womb are expendable – miscarriage is the loss of a human baby. A person made in the image of God, full of potential. A tiny person who should never have died – because that was not God’s original design for this world.
That’s tragic.
Don’t be surprised that there’s grief.
And the thing about grief is that it sticks around for a while. The initial tears may dry up, but sorrow is carried around in the heart for a long time after. When the baby’s due date comes round it’s a day of lament; the decision to try for another baby is an exercise of faith in God, of summoning courage and facing fear head on; subsequent pregnancies are tainted with anxiety; and for some there’s a long journey of uncertainty ahead, a journey that may never result in a biological child.
The grieving parents may have stopped crying, they may have stopped talking about the miscarriage, they may even be pregnant again – but don’t assume it’s all over. Because the processing continues, their conversation with their sovereign heavenly Father is ongoing, and quite simply, the painful memory never totally disappears.
Which leads us to the last (and much briefer) pointer…
Do continue to care for them for the long haul
It’s a simple point, but if you don’t assume that the trauma and pain is over because x months have passed or they’re pregnant again, then you will continue to ask “how are you doing?”
This is profoundly helpful, otherwise grieving and hurting people may feel like there is a certain date when they are meant to be “sorted” by. This may lead to isolation and guilt, but the gospel says that we can never exhaust Jesus’ compassion. His mercy and grace are endless, and the gospel says that we surely need it and can access it all the time. What’s more, he’ll never tire of the grieving parent bringing their sorrow to him. So we should model ourselves on him as we seek to support others.
“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth… Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”
Isaiah 65
So there we have it – 3 do’s and 3 don’ts. This was a painful post for us to write, but we hope you found it helpful. Our prayer is that the Lord uses this post to help you as you interact with people around you who are suffering the grief of miscarriage.
Please do share this post if you think others would find it useful.
Can you love your children too much? We hear people saying things like “my children are my world” and “my kids are my everything” a lot – what should we make of this? The big idea of this blog post is this: you can love your children too much. Yes, that’s right. If you’re intrigued, then read on.
Before we get too controversial, let us reel it in a bit. It is our privilege and joy to love our children. God gives us our children into our care to love and care for them. When we love our children we image our God – he is the ultimate parent who perfectly loves humanity, his children. We are to model our love for our children on our perfect God.
So that’s pretty high stakes for the love we should have for our children.
If that sets the bar of how much we should love our children, how could we possibly love our children too much?
In order to see this, we need to ask a question:
What is the ultimate good that I want for my child?
We need to come to a settled conviction of what is the most important thing for our children’s lives – the thing that we consider our highest priority for them.
Let us suggest something. Our children are created by a God who loves them and wants to know them. The greatest gift that God has given to our children is himself – knowing him is the most fulfilling, joy-giving, satisfying reality that our children could experience. The best thing we can do for our children is introduce them to the gospel, and help them (with the Spirit’s work) to fall in love with Jesus.
People often speak of wanting, above all else, for their children to be happy. We think that’s not a great enough ambition. We want our children to be joyful. We want them to have a deep-seated, unshakeable and secure joy – the kind of joy that can only be found in Jesus. The kind of joy that can only be found when Jesus is at the centre of our children’s lives. The kind of joy that only comes when our children find their security, identity and sense of purpose first and foremost in Jesus.
But here’s the thing. If we communicate to our children that we love them more than anything else, we end up robbing them of the best thing we can give them. We want our children to see that there is someone who we love even more than them, and who they should too. We want to communicate through how we speak and live that Jesus is wonderful, and that he’s at the centre of everything. We want to speak about him passionately, warmly, winsomely and regularly! We want them to see, through our words and example, that Jesus is our deepest source of joy.
When we do this, when we love Jesus more than our children, we love our children better.
You see when Jesus isn’t our highest love, something else is, and that’s a problem. It’s a problem because we look to our highest love to provide for us in various ways. We look to it for our ultimate sense of worth, acceptance and joy. But many of these things that we make ultimate can’t live up to what we ask of them. They can’t provide the joy what we want them to. They’re finite and fallen and will disappoint us. Jesus is the only one who won’t.
If something other than Jesus is our highest love, we end up putting too much pressure on it to provide what it can’t. If that’s our children, that’s not loving to our children. But if Jesus is our highest love and we look to him for our joy, security, identity etc, then we don’t put the pressure on our children to provide those things. We love our children more by loving them less. Or, to be more accurate, we love our children more (and better) by loving Jesus even more than we love them.
So there we have it. Are you convinced? Let us know in the comments below. And if you found this post helpful or thought-provoking, please help it to reach more people by sharing it on social media.
We thought it would be inspiring to hear about how Christians parent their children in different parts of the world. There are many similarities in gospel-centred parenting world over, but there are also many differences depending on our cultural context. Read the introduction to this series here.
We’re excited to hear the story of a missionary couple living in South Sudan in this post. For safety purposes, they asked to remain anonymous.
Where do you live and what’s it like?
SouthSudan. Amongst a rural people-group of agriculturalists in a remote and hilly region.
What are some of the challenges and opportunities that you face in Christian parenting because of your context?
We are missionaries here and so our days and life are shaped around telling our friends and neighbours about Jesus. The community is currently very open to us sharing the gospel so it is easy to talk of Jesus freely and openly both at home and around the villages. We are part of a team with other Christian families so all our daughter’s peers also know Jesus. Because our environment is so isolated we have a lot of control over what she sees and hears. There is no TV/internet or secular input aside from the local African traditional beliefs.
Some of the challenges include being away from a wider support network, such as Grandparents, to get advice/support. We are in a team of mixed nationalities, some of whom parent in quite different ways, so though we are all Christians this can be very challenging at times. Our daughter is often overwhelmed by attention from the local people who are fascinated by a little white girl with blond hair, which makes it a constant tension between loving and not offending our neighbours but also loving and protecting our daughter. It can also be hard to balance our ministry responsibilities alongside spending quality time with her, especially to stimulate and educate her when she must often play alone.
What do you do to encourage your daughter to love Jesus?
We pray for her, that she may know and love Jesus herself. However much we would like to, we can’t make it happen. We hope we demonstrate our own love of Jesus in our own lives, our marriage and our wider relationships. We do our own ‘kids church’ every week, sometimes twice weekly, where we sing songs together, read a Bible story and pray to God. Singing is something our daughter loves so it is easy to share Christian music with her e.g. Colin Buchanan*/Emu music. We try to include God in everything we do daily, so when out for walks we talk about the things Daddy God has made, or we explain when we are out telling Bible stories in the villages that it is so our friends can know King Jesus too. With limited resources we have found having ‘Beginning with God*‘ from the Good Book Company a helpful resource.
It’s so interesting to learn about parenting in different contexts. It helps us to analyse our own contexts where we our bringing up our children. We hope you’ve found this post inspiring and helpful.
Where we live in the UK we don’t have to worry about a lack of good Christian resources, or fear that our children will face isolation because of their faith/race. But we do face challenges like secular messages being communicated to our children through the internet, TV and even the school communities around them. Evangelistically there are challenges too, with many people being suspicious or apathetic to Christianity.
Reflect on your own context for a moment. What challenges and opportunities face you as you seek to live for Jesus and share your faith with your children?
We’d love to hear your reflections! Please fill in the form below to take part in the series yourself.
We can hardly believe it’s been a whole year since we first started our blog.
It’s been quite a journey. Let’s take a moment to revisit it…
We started blogging at Gospel-Centred Parenting for a couple of reasons.
To remind us of the gospel
We started the blog to help us as parents apply the gospel to our parenting. At the time we had a toddler and Cathy was pregnant with our second child. We were starting our blog as we were starting out on our parenting journey.
The blog was birthed out of hard places. We mentioned that we were expecting our second baby, but his healthy pregnancy came after two miscarriages. We started this blog when we were still grieving the loss of those pregnancies, and we wanted to remember that the gospel really is good news for us as parents, as well as for our children.
But we were writing for another reason too…
To point others to the gospel
We also wanted to encourage other parents with the gospel. That’s why we picked and paid for the the domain “Gospel-Centred Parenting” and worked pretty hard to work our way up the Google ranking when people searched these words. We wanted other parents who were weighed down with the struggles and daily grind of parenting to be comforted by the amazing gospel of grace found in Jesus.
We wanted our blog to be characterised by the gospel. We wanted the gospel to be explored, cherished and explained in every post. We wanted to avoid the trap of simply calling our blog “gospel-centred” only to then insert some handy lifestyle tips or self-help motivational prose in it. We wanted people to be able to guess what we were going to write about in each post – the gospel – albeit from different angles and applied to different situations. We hope we’ve been able to explain that amazing story, those incredible truths, and paint a picture of our glorious saviour with originality and flair – a tricky thing to do each week! It’s been a good discipline for us though, lest we ever tire of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
As we’ve sought to encourage others with the comfort of the gospel, we’ve been majorly encouraged in return.
It’s encouraging that there’s an army of like-minded parents all over the country, and indeed, world, who are doing this crazy parenting thing with Jesus in the centre (well, at least that’s the intention).
Knowing there are others doing the same thing emboldens and strengthens us.
We’ve spent some time today looking over the statistics for our blog over the last year, and were overwhelmed and humbled with the people who’ve connected with our blog. Here’s a few fun stats:
Number of users: 6,064
Continents with readers: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Australasia, Asia (Not Antartica- yet!)
Number of blog posts: 60
Number of competitions: 2
Number of incidents of writers block: 1
Number of marital arguments over the blog(!): 1
Number of trolling incidents: 1
Number of blessings: too many to recount!
Here’s some things that you’ve said over the last year:
“I just wanted to write to say thanks for your blog, your insights and parenting wisdom… I’m a silent blog reader normally but this has made me think again and so I hope I can encourage you in the way I’ve been encouraged! So thanks for writing and spurring us on to parent for Christ.”
“Thanks for your blog. I really get a lot from it. I usually read it during a night feed as it’s the most peaceful time of the day at the minute!”
“Ah, wow…thanks for this really helpful blog. It’s so good to do a heart check!”
“Both just read this and so grateful for your honesty and insight. Really connect with your thinking and found it very moving.”
Thank you so much for your encouragement. It helps us to keep motivated to write our posts, and to be intentional in our parenting – even though it’s tough!
Here are, according to the stats, our three top blog posts of the last year:
(We’ve pretty much learnt that the scarier something is to publish the more traction it gets. People like real. And real makes much of Jesus so we’re cool with that.)
So, what does the future hold for Gospel-Centred Parenting?
This next year we aim to keep pointing ourselves and others to Jesus through weekly blog posts. As well as this we’ve got a couple of exciting ideas in the pipeline of other resources to equip us to parent in a gospel-centred way, so watch this space for them. These ideas are in the early stages, but you may hear more about them in time.
Thank you
So thank you again. We’ve loved thinking about parenting our boys with your support and encouragement. It’s been great doing this is community with you and we pray that God will bless you and your families this coming year.
What emotions spring to mind when you think about parenting?
Hopefully there are some lovely ones – joy, anticipation, love, trust, amazement. Some others may sneak in there too – anger, sadness… maybe even occasional disgust.
Here’s an emotion that I think, at one time or another, is pretty universal for parents:
Fear.
It’s not always a bad thing. Fear of your child being run over causes you to hold on tightly to their hand when you walk by a busy road. Fear of your child choking causes you to chop up their food.
But let’s be honest – fear isn’t simply about these things, is it? We fear all sorts of things, and many of them aren’t nearly so rational. Or if not irrational, at the very least we fear things that we have very little control over. We fear things about our children’s futures that we can’t possibly micromanage enough to control the outcome – they’re simply too complex.
We fear hypothetical illnesses that we have no reason to assume are imminent. We fear that we’re not doing the right things to encourage their growth in language, social skills, sporting prowess, academic ability, or whatever it is. We fear how they’ll make friends, how they’ll behave in different situations without us there, how they’ll cope in this world that’s changing in ways we don’t like.
Here is the heart what we want you to see in this post, here’s what we want to believe more deeply: most of our parenting fears are not real. Most of our fears are stories that we tell ourselves, that we choose to believe. We need to stop listening to these stories, and instead listen to the story of the gospel.
Let me take one example to help you see this.
We fear how our children will cope in a world that’s changing in ways we don’t like. Different fears for the future will play out for different people. We see a political direction that makes us uncomfortable or a shift in the values that our culture celebrates that don’t align with ours. We see ways that it’s becoming more difficult to be a Christian who holds to a Biblical worldview. We see the threat of global warming and the slowness of the world’s response and we wonder where it will end up.
We see these changes in the world around us, we follow the trajectory of their stories, and we don’t like the plotline that we can see coming.
We imagine a story of where the world is going, we believe that story, and the result is fear.
Now listen to a different story. It may look no different, externally. The political story may continue to develop differently to how we’d like. The moral decline of society might continue; intolerance may increase; the world may increase in temperature.
But need that result in fear? Well of course, we should be concerned about these things. Humanity is called to be stewards of this world, and so we want to see that done in the best way possible – whether it’s ecologically, societally, morally or politically.
But fear? I’m not sure the story needs to go there.
Here are two wonderful verses that are true for you, and are true for your children:
Matthew 10:29-31:
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Romans 8:15
“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.””
Here are two things that mean that you don’t need to fear the way this world is going – even if your worst case scenarios play out.
God cares about our children. He really does. But more than that, he is sovereignly in control of even the minutiae of what happens in this world. The story of history is not outside of his control. God assigns us deep worth, and he is in control. So whatever happens to us, whatever happens to our children, fear need not be the emotion that we experience. We can trust God. His sovereign hand is active, and he acts for his children who he deems to be of deep worth.
And for those of our children who are Christians, that truth can be taken a step further. However the future plays out, there is a wonderful, mind-boggling truth that we can cling to. Our children have the Spirit in them. Even if the world is terrifying, they don’t need to be a slave to fear. They have the Spirit of sonship. They are adopted into the family of God. They know God as father. They don’t need to have fear, whatever’s going on, because the God of the universe is their father, and he’s caring for them. They don’t need to fear, and nor do we.
The story of our fear is that our children will be crushed in this hard world. The story of the gospel is that our God is good and in control whatever happens, that he’s a caring Father. This is all made possible because of what Jesus has done.
Do you see how this makes a world of difference? Here’s what we said earlier: most of our parenting fears are not real. Most of our fears are stories that we tell ourselves, that we choose to believe. We need to stop listening to these stories, and instead listen to the story of the gospel.
The story of the gospel means that we can have a radically different perspective on the stories that bring us fear. There are truths and promises that we can cling to that rewrite our stories of fear.
So here’s the challenge. Next time you feel fear taking over your parenting, ask yourself this question: what story am I choosing to believe? Understand that, understand how the gospel tells a different story, and pray that the Spirit of Sonship would speak words of comfort to your heart.
Fear is pretty much a universal emotion in parenting. But it need not be. The story of the gospel means that we can be liberated from fear, into the freedom of the gospel. Praise the Lord!
Isn’t it funny how conversation changes when you have children?
We’re sure our conversation used to be so much more intelligent, wide-ranging, witty and (frankly) interesting.
Now, conversation often seems to revolve around something child-related. The latest tantrum. The new milestone. That funny thing they unintentionally said. The cute show of affection that took us by surprise.
It just seems to happen. When we came into parenting, we were conscious of how all that parents seem to talk about is their children. We were determined not to be one of those parents. We still do really try to make an effort. And yet conversation so often seems to get round to that same old topic. Children.
Anyway, onto the subject of this post.
It seems like much of our child-related conversation of late has revolved around the subject of nursery.
Our eldest is currently two and a half, and children in the UK tend to start nursery for 15 hours per week aged three. Lots start at age two in fact, but up to now we’ve decided that we’d wait until three (that may well change soon).
When thinking about nursery, there are so many factors to consider! Morning or afternoon? Which school should we send him to for nursery, bearing in mind he’ll probably end up going there until he’s aged 11? Should we send him to the closest school? The school with the best outdoor space? The school with the smallest class sizes? The school with the best OFSTED rating? The school that has the nicest “feel” (whatever that means!)? The list goes on.
You can see why it’s such a big topic at the moment. The reality is that up until now the main influencers in his life have been the two of us (with some occasional input from time at his grandparents). But very soon, that is about to change. Soon, he’ll have nursery teachers who will have a significant amount of time inputting in to his life. Soon he’ll be surrounded by other children who will all, in some small ways at least, expose our son to different views and behaviours and values. While we still intend to be the biggest influencers in his life (as we believe this is the role of Godly parents) he will be exposed to other voices too.
What does it mean for the gospel to shape this decision?
It’s easy to get caught up with what everyone else is considering as most important for their children as we face this decision. Academic achievement. Whole-person development. Good pathways into secondary schools. And so on, and so on.
Many of these are right to consider. God creates the whole person, he gives us gifts and abilities that we want to see flourish – that’s glorifying to him, afterall. That’s a Christian way to view education, we must factor them in.
But here are a few additional questions that we think are important to consider to help the gospel shape our decisions about our childrens’ education.
Before we get there though – education is one of those big (and heated!) topics debated by Christians. Oftentimes we don’t understand the education systems or cultural options that are mainstream in other cultures. This post will mainly relate to British Christian parents who decide to send their children to school. This isn’t a post debating the positives and negatives of homeschooling/ private schooling/ public schooling etc, although perhaps that could be fun another day. This is simply helping us ask some gospel-centred questions given the fact that we have decided to send our children to school.
So with that caveat in place, here they are:
Which school has other Christian children in it, creating a support network when things get tough?
Which school will allow my children to have friends from different socio-economic, religious and ethnic backgrounds, teaching them to communicate with and be empathetic towards a variety of people, and thus equip them for gospel conversations?
Which school is most open to us as parents being involved in school life, giving opportunities to bless the school community?
What other questions did/will you ask yourself when the time comes to choose a school? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below!
We thought it would be fascinating to hear about how people parent their children in different contexts, countries and cultures. Gospel-centred parenting will in some ways look very similar across the world, but in other ways it will look extraordinarily different. Click here to read an introduction to the series.
Thrillingly, we’ve had two different families get in touch to tell us about their experience of parenting in the Middle East, so we’ve included both in this post.
So without further ado let me introduce you to Jo Chee, a British expat, mum of four and Christian blogger.
Where do you live and what’s it like?
We’ve spent the last seven years of our life in a crowded city of over 20 million in the Middle East. Our mornings begin with the call to prayer from several surrounding mosques, none of which are synchronised or in tune! During the Muslim sacrifice month, the field in front of our apartment becomes a holding place for thousands of sheep and cows. On the day of sacrifice we’re not sure whether to watch in repulsed fascination or hide away behind the curtains, as one animal after another is slaughtered and the field fills with blood.
On the streets women walk hand-in-hand, one covered from head-to-foot, the other wearing a mini-skirt. It is a city of contrasts. West meets East. Beautiful history and stunning buildings on the water’s edge. Apartment blocks so close together that the sky is blocked. This is our home! Three of our children thrive here. One doesn’t.
What are some of the challenges and opportunities that you face in Christian parenting because of your context? What do you do to encourage your children to love Jesus?
In many ways, Christian parenting is the same here as anywhere. There are struggles, there are joys.
We have good intentions of having regular devotions with our kids. We begin, or sometimes don’t even begin, then very quickly our times together fizzle out. We sometimes have family worship instead of going to church (because we need a break from church in a foreign language). This works well when the kids are little. They love to sing and jump around. Fast forward a few years, and our teens feel somewhat uncomfortable singing along with Mum and Dad!
We feel on our own a lot. The first few years, we do not have families with kids our age to compare notes with. We learn by ourselves how to navigate this thing called parenting. We are often tired, not just normal ‘parenting tired’, but tired of trying to get by in a different language and a different culture. Just shopping for food can be overwhelming. It doesn’t leave much energy left for coming up with great parenting strategies!
Living here, we have seen and heard sad stories of kids messed up, just because their parents were too busy serving. We are blessed. If anything, our time here in a foreign land has been more about being family than reaching others. We have done both. But if God only brought us here to be a family, then that’s a great thing, and it has happened. Our kids have caught something of our heart to reach the lost. We have been on an adventure together. Shared experiences of living in a foreign culture have knit us closer.
We’ve had tough times too. Loneliness. Frustrations. One of the hardest parenting challenges has been walking alongside our son as he’s battled through low times and feeling like he doesn’t fit. This could have happened anywhere, but here it is compounded by the spiritual atmosphere, subtle but heavy. This son is our sensitive one. He picks up on what affects so many of the people living here. In trying to support him, I came to an end of myself. I share my story here: I Can’t Carry My Children Anymore: All About Letting Go and Letting God (http://mumskidsjesus.com/cant-carry-children-end-of-myself-letting-go-letting-god/)
My husband and I are relaxed parents. Sometimes maybe just a bit too much! We cannot force our kids to love or follow Jesus. We have mostly lived our faith and let our kids see Jesus in our lives. They’ve come with us to church when police stand patrol outside the door because of bombing threats, they’ve heard testimonies from locals who have come to Jesus through dreams and visions, they’ve seen the needless sacrifice of animals each year. Most importantly, they have come to understand the preciousness of Jesus’ sacrifice, that was ONCE and for ALL.
We love this country and all it’s been to us. We don’t know if our parenting would have been different elsewhere. One thing we’ve learnt: parenting is love. It’s about being family together, where ever you are. It’s about enjoying each other, knowing there’s a place to call home that is full of joy and laughter.
End note: We have recently relocated back to the UK, and are slowly adapting back to British life – a whole new challenge in itself! Wonderful news, that we praise God for: our son who struggled is a new child. He loves being ‘home’, is making great friends and is really happy for the first time in years. Our other children are finding it difficult being back, but we see God’s hand on them. It will take time, and again we want to build a home that is full of love, a place where they feel secure in all the change.
We also heard from Sarah,* a British expat living in a different Arab country in the Middle East. In the country where she lives, non-Muslim expats are given permission to practice their faith privately, so long as they don’t proselyte, but it is illegal for local people to hold any faith but Islam.
Sarah is a mum to a 6 year old son.
Where do you live and what’s it like?
A middle eastern country. It’s amazingly different… brilliant weather, deeply Muslim, very other!!!
What are some of the challenges and opportunities that you face in Christian parenting because of your context?
Wanting to share my heart for others to know Jesus with our son, but in a deeply Muslim context. Wanting him to share our faith with others, but not wanting him to share about how and where we collectively worship.
Having conversations with him, about Islam and eternity, but having to trust that the Holy Spirit will moderate any typical 6 year old conversation.
What do you do to encourage your children to love Jesus?
We try and live our lives in a way that brings glory to Him, we try and talk about our relationship with God as naturally as possible, and ascribe God a central place in our home. We try to love our son as unconditionally as possible, as we believe parental wounding turns many young people away from a walk with God.
We pray, we teach our son to pray.
We homeschool, with a missions outlook.
* Name has been changed to protect her identity
It’s fascinating isn’t it?!
Where we live in the UK there is a lot of apathy to religion; that presents very different challenges and opportunities to living in a deeply religious country. We hope that this series will help us to have a greater heart for the global church. We also hope learning from other believers will help us to analyse our own contexts, so that we’re able to see with fresh eyes the opportunities and challenges facing us and our children, as we seek to live for Jesus where he’s placed us.
Perhaps you could take part in our series? We’d love to hear about how you parent in your particular context. Whether that’s in a rural village in France, a bustling cosmopolitan city in Australia, a council estate in Grimsby or somewhere else entirely. We’d love to hear from you. Fill in the form below to let us know your thoughts about parenting in your context:
One of the benefits of having tiny children is being able to holiday in term time. We were delighted to find a cheap deal and were excited about escaping the winter chills for sunnier climes.
Our two year old was excited about going on the aeroplane to “Rote” (Lanzarote). In his mind (and according to the YouTube video we showed him) holiday equals beaches, swimming pools, ice creams and aeroplanes. He couldn’t wait to get going!
So we packed our bags and jetted off. We are so thankful to God for a really refreshing and fun time as a family.
But here’s the thing…
The holiday didn’t quite go as planned.
Towards the end of the holiday (and Scott’s birthday no less) little red spots started to appear on the baby’s body. We were in disbelief!
Now it shouldn’t have surprised us that much – our toddler had just recovered from chicken pox a fortnight prior to our trip (so we were lucky to get away at all). But we had assumed that the baby was immune from chicken pox. Clearly not! It turns out that our Sherlock skills weren’t quite up to standard, and our calculations of his exposure to CP and our belief that my breast milk had made him immune were incorrect!
So there we were, with a spotty baby who needed to see a doctor and NO DOCUMENTATION! We kid you not! We forgot to pack everything! We didn’t have our boarding passes, our hotel or transfer tickets (although a good thing about a package holiday is that the company reps know how to look after goons like us, so it was fine, praise the Lord!) and we hadn’t even packed our European health insurance cards or our travel insurance details. Hmmm… perhaps we need to brush up on our organisational skills.
Despite all of this, we saw God’s grace and provision for us in so many ways.
Initially we panicked. What do you do in this situation?
But then we saw God answer so many prayers and provide for our needs abundantly.
The hotel staff were amazing. They were sympathetic, well-informed, excellent multi-linguists and they navigated us through the process. A doctor came to our hotel room within an hour and confirmed what we thought – pox had struck and the baby would not be fit to fly on the date we originally intended.
Scott sprung into action and got it all organised with the insurance company, doctor, airline and hotel. Within 24 hours all the plans were in place for Cathy and the baby to stay until he recovered from his illness.
Phew, all was sorted, and only a small excess to pay.
(It’s worth just pausing here to let you know that the baby had a very mild dose of chicken pox, he didn’t seem to suffer much discomfort and was in good spirits – a huge blessing!)
We were grateful, we were relieved, Cathy was even a little bit excited (4 whole days of Mummy and baby in the sun – a REAL holiday with someone else footing the bill!)
But then something happened. There was a change in the atmosphere. The happy, relaxed, enjoyable holiday experience began to morph into a more subdued and sombre affair. Scott’s departure date loomed large before us as we contacted friends and family at home to arrange childcare for the toddler, so Scott could return to work. We rearranged church meetings, work rotas and discussed meal plans. We were thinking about life back at home sooner than we had hoped for, and we were feeling sad about being apart for the longest time since our first year of marriage.
But there were many evidences of God’s grace and of his Spirit working within us to remind us of gospel-truths. Here are some that Cathy’s reflections, written during her time away:
God’s grace
Let’s be clear. I am not deserving of a sun-soaked, all expenses paid, quiet – (you’ll know what I mean if you’ve ever spent any length of time with a toddler!) mummy-son date with our baby. And yet, that’s what God has given me. I’m tempted to feel guilty. I’ve definitely got the sweeter deal while poor Scott is juggling childcare, work and is back in the chilly UK. But what does this reveal about my heart? Well, that I still function as a legalist. I functionally believe that I get what I deserve. I get according to my performance. But this anti-gospel!
We all deserve God’s just anger at our rebellion against him, and yet we get grace, grace, grace. We get past grace – forgiveness of our sins, Christ’s righteousness given to us and adoption into God’s family, we get future grace – eternal life, the resurrection of our bodies, forever in the new creation – and we get present grace – God’s holy presence dwelling in us, working in and through our situations to make us more like Christ. God is gracious even though we’re undeserving. So in light of this truth I should enjoy the gift of this mini-break with my baby with gratitude and joy. It’s evidence of his grace to me and I want to treasure every moment of this unique time with my little boy. I’m not in this situation because I deserve it, but because he’s gracious. What a God!
God’s sufficiency
A few weeks ago we wrote a post about discontentment as a parent. And about how the gospel is the antidote to the “grass is always greener” syndrome. Well this is the perfect scenario to practice what I preach. In many ways I’m living in the scenario of what I often feel envious about when I look at my Facebook feed. Sun, freedom, comfort, and yet now I have these things I could easily be envious for life at home! Familiarity, structure, family. But God is sufficient. He is what I truly need to feel contented. My circumstances will change, but God does not.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
Philippians 4:12
God’s design for Christian community
As wonderful as it is to wake up and wonder what I’m going to do with the day, to have no responsibilities like laundry and cooking, and to enjoy the sun, sea and sand, the truth is we’re not designed to to live in a perpetual holiday seeking our own individualistic comfort. I think I would be very lonely indeed if I didn’t have the baby with me. He’s only 6 months old but his smiles, snores and snuggles make my day. Today I strapped him on and we went for a 4 km walk over rugged paths to see 4 beautiful golden beaches along the stunning Papagayo coastline. It was absolutely wonderful!
But this desire for community and for shared experiences, and yes, for sacrificial service to others rather than simply living for our own comfort, points to gospel truth. We desire community because we’re relational beings made in the image of a triune God. Within the very godhead is a loving family of Father, Son and Spirit. So of course I miss my family – I’m wired that way. And I miss my church family too – because followers of Jesus Christ are given a new family, the church. But as I feel this ache to be reunited with those I love, it should cause me to crave that day when I’m reunited to firstly, my saviour God and also to all his people in the New Creation. Wow! What a staggering thought.
Now we get to the end (well done if you’ve made it this far through my meandering thoughts!) and you’re probably thinking. “Yikes Cathy, you’ve overthought it there! Just enjoy it.” And you’re probably right, but then again, I’ve had WAY more time to think than usual.
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We couldn’t be more excited to have a guest post written by Joanne Parks, the mum of one of Cathy’s high school friends. I (Cathy) was astounded at the ease and joy with which my friend Hannah would talk about sex with her parents!How is this even possible? I observed that Hannah and her sisters had a really high, healthy and Biblical view of sex and were unashamed to talk about it in appropriate ways.
This is a topic that most parents dread talking to their children about, and yet most parents are convinced of the importance of it. So we asked Joanne if she would be willing to contribute some thoughts to our blog, and she was! So here’s her wisdom…
“But Mommy, WHY would Joseph want to divorce Mary when she was pregnant with baby Jesus?”
This was the question that forced us to (very) quickly figure out what we were going to do as parents to explain God’s good gift of sexual intimacy to our children. Our oldest daughter, Hannah, was 4 at the time and was as curious as curious can be. Her question stemmed from reading the Christmas story before bed that night. (Be warned, friends… family Bible readings can bring up quite the variety of topics to discuss!)
As young parents we were caught off guard and frankly a bit nervous. We had not expected to have “the talk” with our firstborn during her preschool years. We had neither thought this through nor had time to carefully plan out our words. But here we were. And we needed to respond.
We stumbled through a simple description of conception that may have sounded something like “when two people love each other and then get married, sometimes a little part of mommy and a little part of daddy come together to make a baby” (don’t judge us). So many parts of that could lead to huge misunderstandings, but that’s what we said.
Because of her big personality we knew Hannah’s tendency would be to share this new information indiscriminately with her peers so we concluded that conversation with strict instructions that she not talk to her friends about these things, adding that “their parents would like to be the ones to get to talk to them”. But we also knew that we wanted to leave the door open for future conversations and questions, so we included the reminder that “you can ask Daddy or Mommy anything about this anytime. Any question is fine to ask, just don’t talk to your friends about this”. We kissed her goodnight and told her we loved her and left the room to go debrief what had just happened. She shared a room with her younger sister who was 2 years old. As we passed by their doorway 20 minutes later we overheard Hannah telling her sister “Now Sarah, you can ask me or Mom or Dad anything about this, ok?”. Ah well… that didn’t last long.
Well, two and a half decades and two additional daughters later we have learned a few things about talking to your children about sex. We’ve not done this perfectly by any means, but at least we’ve learned to not be so nervous. And we’ve learned to be thankful for this great privilege and responsibility that has been a part of parenting our children.
As you consider what this might look like in your parenting let me encourage you to think of this as one more piece of discipling your children. Try to remove the dreaded stigma that is so often attached to this subject. It may not be how your parents handled it with you, or how your culture typically thinks about these things. But it is important as you consider how to raise children with a healthy Biblical understanding of sexuality.
Here are some things to keep in mind as parents:
1. Tell them what God says in the Scriptures:
As Christian parents our teaching should be rooted in the truth of God’s Word.
In Genesis 1 and 2 God declared his creation of man and woman very good. It was his idea in creation that man should not be alone, so he made woman for him. He blessed their physical union. He told them to be fruitful and multiply. They were naked and not ashamed. God says physical intimacy in marriage is good!
In the Bible we see that sexual intimacy is intended to be experienced within the safety of the covenant promise of marriage. Sexual intimacy is wonderful and it is also very vulnerable. And God’s good design is for it to be known with one spouse in the security of a lifelong marriage commitment of love and trust.
God sets boundaries of protection for us with regards to sexual sin. As your kids get older include reminders that God warns us to guard our hearts from lust and to beware of the snare of sexual sin (Proverbs). But in teaching the warnings and the boundaries don’t neglect to continue to teach that it is good and is from God. It can be easy to forget to speak of it in a positive light as we help our older children guard their hearts.
You will eventually want to be sure to include that God also shows grace to those who sin. And we are all sinners. Inevitably you will have the opportunity to explain that as sinners mankind has rebelled against God’s good plan and rejected his leadership in all areas of our lives. This means that sexual relationships are frequently not handled in the way that God intended. These decisions assuredly come with earthly consequences, but this is also a great opportunity to talk about forgiveness for anyone who repents of their sins and turns to Christ. This is a Gospel opportunity in your parenting. Teach your children about the grace of God for sinners. Because really, when it comes down to it, we are all sexual sinners in need of forgiveness.
2. Look to be theprimary source of information.
You might be surprised at what it takes to stay ahead of the curve and be the first one to talk to your children about sexuality. Like in our story with Hannah these topics can come up during elementary years or even earlier. Though we aim to protect our children from unwanted outside sources like the internet, other more innocent settings might prompt questions related to sexuality. These can come up while playing with friends at the park, visiting a pregnant or postpartum neighbor, going to elementary school or co-op groups, visiting a farm or even while reading Bible stories.
But instead of waiting on your kids to bring up questions related to sexuality (the extroverted ones will likely do this), you should consider taking the initiative with them and begin conversations with them at an age appropriate level (the introverted ones will need this!). As parents you know your own children the best. You know what they are able to take in and understand. Try to answer their questions simply and honestly, with a certain degree of comfort and ease. You may have to fake that last part, but your attitude will certainly set the tone for the conversation. And for the very curious ones who keep pressing you for more information it’s also ok to say “we’ll save that question for next time”.
We were so glad to come across a helpful book series by Stan and Brenna Jones entitled God’s Design For Sex (click here for the first book in the series)*. These were read-along books that guided us through several conversations with our daughters. One of our girls still teases me about the time when I wouldn’t let us break for lunch until we finished one of the later books in the series. It seems that I may have lost sight of what was most important that day. I’m thankful that she can laugh about it now.
3. Aim to be the trusted source of accurate answers.
Build a foundation of trust that paves the way for them to know that they can come to you with any question. You will tell them the truth. They don’t have to look elsewhere for answers. They can come to you with anything and know that you won’t be upset with them.
Use proper vocabulary. This was my husband’s conviction from the beginning, and slowly I came to agree that this pattern helps to keep God’s good design held up in honor. You will have many chances to explain and define slang words that they hear over the years and those will stand in clear contrast to the good plan that God has made.
Be open to lots of questions. Your kids may come home from school and ask what a particular word or gesture means that they heard from a classmate. They will trust that no matter what they hear from others they know that you will tell them the truth.
Be prepared for some forgetfulness on their part. The following Christmas Hannah asked nearly the exact same question! All that stressing turned out to be for naught. She had already forgotten our most excellent explanation!
4. Keep talking.
Speak about these things often. Despite all the references to “THE talk”, it’s far more accurate to think of this as a lifetime of talks. Deuteronomy 6 reminds us of how parents are to be continually telling their children about the character of God and his commands for his people. As we raise our children in the ways of the Lord we talk to them about all sorts of things related to following God. We talk about these things as we go about the ordinary routines of life.
Your children may or may not welcome these conversations depending on their differing personalities but you must have them anyway. We laugh with one of our daughters as we recall together how she would sweetly but faithfully protest by saying “Do we have to talk about this again?”.
By the way, it’s always a bit awkward when they connect the dots and realize that their parents have actually done this act that is being described. Occasionally this leads to giggles (preschoolers), but more typically it shows up in facial expressions of shock, horror and disgust (school aged kids). Older siblings are often quick to become the experts and explain to their younger siblings that, duh… there are four of us so clearly Mom and Dad have done this four times.
Over time your conversations will include increasing detail about more delicate topics of desire and pleasure, sexual temptation and sin, fidelity and forgiveness. Don’t shy away from these conversations. These will all point to God and his good design. And they can turn into great opportunities to speak about the good news of the Bible, that a loving and holy God has made a way for a stubborn and rebellious people to be forgiven for their sin and be reconciled to him through Jesus’ undeserved death on the cross, where he took the punishment that we deserve and gave us his righteousness in exchange. He is good indeed.
Joanne has been married to Brian for 28 years and they have four daughters and two sons in law. She has lived on the Arabian Penninsula for the last 14 years and is excited to see what God will do as they plant Covenant Hope Church in the spring of 2017.
We hoped you enjoyed this post – we thought it was really helpful.
Our children are still slightly young for these conversations to start, but we want to be ready when they come along.
There are a number of resources that come highly recommended to help us chat to our children about issues surrounding sex. We’ve not read or used any of them ourselves yet, so can’t personally recommend them. But why not check out Joanne’s recommendation above, or the books below, which we’ve heard are really helpful:
God Made All of Me* comes recommended to help you chat to your children about their body – particularly private parts of their body and how they should be treated by others. Again, we’ve not used it so let us know in the comments if you think it’s good.
We’re so grateful for this fantastic post – if you’ve found it helpful then please do share it so others can enjoy it too.
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Hopefully there are some lovely ones – joy, anticipation, love, trust, amazement. Some others may sneak in there too – anger, sadness… maybe even occasional disgust.
We imagine a story of where the world is going, we believe that story, and the result is fear.
It seems like much of our child-related conversation of late has revolved around the subject of nursery.
After several years of living and serving overseas, Joanna Chee, her wonderful husband, and four lovely kids, now live near London in the UK. Joanna blogs at 
