Author: Scott and Cathy

Today our youngest child turned 5… and it’s 9.5 years since we first became parents.

After almost a decade of parenthood, I can say that the belly laughs have been more infectious, the snuggles sweeter and the protective mama bear love far more ferocious and powerful than I ever imagined. I love being a mum.

However, parenthood has cost me more than I ever thought it would. There’s the obvious – sleep, money, freedom; and the more surprising; the ability to go a couple of hours without needing to wee, a significant friendship which couldn’t cope with the strain of me prioritising our children, and any illusion that I’m in control of my life.  

I love our children deeply, and it’s because of that, that I’ve found myself doing daring, risky things – like teaching each of them to read myself, even though I’m dyslexic. Like writing a letter of complaint to the swimming teacher who made my son cry, even though I abhor confrontation. Like supporting our children to learn the ski – despite the many tantrums, anger directed my way, and even a broken pair of glasses.

Yes, parenthood has been full of struggle, conflict and taking me out of my comfort zone. In short, it’s been a matter of dying to myself daily.

That “dying” has not been done perfectly or gracefully by any means – there’s been many harsh words and tears, and too much self-justification rather than repentance and faith.

Parenting is hard.

Parenting sinners is hard.

Parenting sinners as a sinful parent is hard.

Parenting sinners as a sinful parent when there are a million different pressures on your adult shoulders that your kids are oblivious to (financial, relational, pastoral, health etc) is mega hard.

So, it’s easy to grow weary in doing good.

A number of years ago when we were in the throes of parenting infants, and the throes of church planting I was enormously comforted by this verse:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Galatians 6:9

I wrote it up on our chalkboard and I would glance at it when I was tempted to have a bad attitude about cooking and cleaning for our church life group, while cajoling small children into eating their lunch. I was encouraged by the promise. I wanted to see the harvest.

I was tired and overwhelmed, but I was young and zealous and I wanted to see the harvest – in church life, in our family. I wanted to see the harvest and so I carried on working hard, I didn’t give up.

Fast forward a few years and we live through a pandemic, personal and ministry tragedies and I go through a season of depression.

It’s hard not to grow weary in doing good and it’s all the harder if we don’t see a harvest for our labour. Whether in parenting or elsewhere in life.

But a new passage has enriched my understanding of Galatians 6:9 and transformed my thinking on it.

²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:27-31

God does not grow weary – and he gives us the ability to not grow weary either.

I love how candid the Bible is – Israel are complaining, they feel like God doesn’t see them, that their pain and “cause” is hidden from him. Why isn’t God answering their prayers?

But Isaiah zooms out from their circumstances and reminds them who God is – the eternal, everlasting God, the mighty creator of all things, the unfathomable, infinitely wise God. And guess what? – that God does not grow weary.

Not only does he not grow weary or tired, but he gives strength to the weary who hope in him (notice it doesn’t say hope in themselves). This is grace, not self-help.

 HE gives strength to the weary, HE increases the power of the weak. And once he does this – the recipients renew their strength, soar on wings like eagles, run and don’t grow weary, walk and do not faint.

 It is him alone who can make the weary unweary.

Let me tell you something, no amount of wine and Netflix, time away from the children or a sabbatical from church can give rest to your weary soul. Don’t believe me? Scott and I went away on a spa break at the beginning of December – it was amazing. I’m very thankful for the opportunity to do it – but it did not bring rest to my weary soul. A jacuzzi is a good gift from God but it cannot give your soul the serenity that it longs for. I was disappointed to be honest – I thought it might do the trick and help me feel less harassed!

But only Jesus can do that, and he is willing to do it daily, hourly, minutely – as often as I need, as often as you need. The everlasting God is able and willing to renew your strength so that you will not grow weary in doing good – if only you’d ask him to.

So what is it for you? Are you tempted to stop going to church, because it’s never been the same since covid? Or tempted to neglect your family devotions because there’s too much on, and the kids never seem to pay attention anyway? Or are you busily serving him in many ways; but inwardly resentful, discouraged and weary?

Then this offer is for you.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Jesus Christ

How life changes when you have children! There isn’t an element of life that’s left unscathed by arrival of a chubby, pooey, nocturnal little person into your life. It’s wonderful, but it’s also quite an upheaval!  It’s not uncommon for parents to feel like they’ve lost some (or all?!) of their identity, capacity and sanity.

Before our eldest was born, we both worked in Christian ministry as staff workers for UCCF: The Christian Unions. It was a brilliant job. We got paid to help students reach out to students with the good news of Jesus on their university campuses.  This involved lots of things: doing training seminars at regional and national conferences; giving evangelistic talks; running planning meetings with Christian Union leaders; discipling a recent graduate in the “relay” programme; and doing bible studies with students in coffee shops. As with any job, it had its pressures, but really, what’s not to love about that as a job description?!

Before our son was born I (Cathy) would rock up to Starbucks/Costa/Nero (or another haven of caffeinated bliss) ready for intentional conversations with a student about the gospel. Armed with Bible, beverage and brain we’d delve into a passage, have an edifying chat and then wrap it up with a round of prayer. There was plenty of time and space to reflect on the gospel and apply it deeply to life, with the Spirit’s help.

They were wonderful times, which I look back on with nostalgia.

Nostalgia, because they seem to be a distant memory.

Now when I rock up to a café (which is far less of a frequent occurrence for a start), our son is in tow. I’m armed with different things these days; a bottle, bibs and baby-brain are more likely companions.

Now don’t get me wrong – lunch outings with mums and tots are great fun. I really love them. But it’s tricky to have a complete conversation about anything while you’re trying to stop your child from dipping the toy train into his yogurt, or throwing his lunch on the floor, or from shoving 4 segments of orange into his mouth at once (yes he actually attempted that!)

Children are just so distracting.

So I might not be able to give you eye contact, ask you interesting questions or answer your questions using complete sentences when we’re out for lunch. Never mind have a decent gospel chat. Conversation usually revolves around one of these things instead: the contents of nappies; the latest milestone; childhood ailments; eating habits; or (increasingly commonly!) that embarrassing moment in the Supermarket yesterday.

It’s quite a change from the theology-rich chats of just a few of years ago.

But the other day I felt like I had the best lunchtime conversation that I’d had for months.

Here’s what happened.

We’re out for lunch. I have the little man with me. The other mum has her two little ones with her. We’re having general chit-chat about various snippets of our lives (when we’re not preoccupied with feeding our young in a half-civilised manner). And then my friend comes out with this corker: “So, how can I be praying for you?”

It was a game-changer.

Such a simple question.

Nothing heavy. Nothing complex. Nothing weird about it.

Just a simple question which could have a simple answer.

But here’s what’s happened…

It forced me to think about my life. To actually stop for a moment and think. What is happening in my life at the moment? In what areas of life do I need to be more dependent in prayer? How’s stuff actually going at church?

It was revolutionary! Not only was I stopping to reflect (something I rarely do now) but I was reflecting in light of the gospel. As it turns out, I need prayer for lots of things.

Then I asked my friend the same question back. “How can I pray for you?” And that, alongside some follow-up questions, led to chats about different areas of life: her marriage; her husband’s job; family life; and evangelistic efforts.

There were still plenty of moments when the conversation had to pause because we were distracted by caring for our little ones – but the general train of thought wasn’t lost. Rather than an insubstantial conversation where we flit here, there and everywhere, it actually felt complete. And it was edifying.

I went away from that lunch time elated! Hooray! I’m still capable of chatting about spiritual things. Not only that, but I was thrilled about what it demonstrated to my little boy.

Quite often my “spiritual times” are when I can get a bit of peace and quiet from my son. When he’s at the children’s group at church and I can engage with the Bible talk, when I’m reading the Bible with someone during his nap time, or when he’s in bed and I can be a part of our mid-week Bible study. But this time I was engaging in gospel thought and conversation in front of my son, despite of my son, alongside my son.  What an exciting thought!

I’d like my parenting to be more like this. I want our children to hear me chatting about Jesus in ordinary life – in the middle of a messy yogurt-smeared lunch. I think this kind of thing is maybe what God had in mind when he said this:

“And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

(Deut 6:v6-7)

So from now on, if you’re hanging out with me and my boy, you might just hear me ask the question, “How can I be praying for you?” As far as questions go, it’s a pretty good one.

It Takes A Village To Raise A Child

We’ve probably all heard of the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child”. Most of us quite like it as a sentiment.

Becoming a new parent suddenly sheds light on how useful and necessary to survival your parents and friends are… for respite; for bringing food round after the birth; for being supportive and kind when you’re hormonal, sleep-deprived and in your pyjamas. The support that friends and family can give (for those of us who are fortunate to have these people around us) is deeply appreciated. In the days and weeks after our first child was born, we relied on family and friends in a way that we had never previously done so before. We were in a state of shock! As such, we were very thankful for the cake, cups of tea and company (well, most of the time!).

The midwife, health visitor and doctor constantly asked us during pregnancy and post-partum appointments, “Do you have good support around you?” and “Do you have family and friends close by?”

Now that we have a child, we know why. We definitely needed them. And though the kind of support we need changes over time, the need never goes away.

So yes, a village. A support network. Family and friends are definitely super helpful when raising a child, at least that’s definitely the case for us. And we’re so thankful for that help.

How Does The Church Fit In?

But does the same thing apply to the church? Do we really need the church to help us raise a child? How does that relationship work?

Something we found when reading resources on Christian parenting was that the main focus was on the family unit for evangelism and discipleship of our children. We’d want to commend this outlook – we would definitely say that family unit is the primary place where a child should be discipled.

It seems that these books are trying to correct a tendency for Christian parents to outsource discipleship to church youth leaders and Sunday school teachers. But our reflection is that the New Testament view of church is something much more holistic, much more inclusive, and much more collective. The family unit doesn’t seem to be the central feature of the New Testament – Christ and his bride, the church family, is. By church we’re not talking about an institution, but the people of God. God’s family. The community of believers.

There are (apparently) 100 uses of the word ἀλλήλων “one another” in the New Testament. These are commands given to the church family about how they are to live together. If you were looking for themes about what they are largely about, then loving each other, and the importance of unity in the church rank pretty high. Here are some examples:

Be devoted to one another in love (Ro 12:10)

Regard one another as more important than yourselves (Php 2:3)

Bear one another’s burdens (Ga 6:2)

Speak truth to one another (Ep 4:25)

Encourage and build one another up (1 Th 5:11)

Be hospitable to one another (1 Pe 4:9)

Be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving to one another (Ep 4:32)

 In the glory days of the early church here’s how this happened:

”They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer[…] Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favour of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.”

(Acts 2v42; 46-47)

The community of believers were hanging out together, reading the Bible together, praying together and eating together.

Every day.

So what were the children up to?

Presumably they were involved too.

Assuming that the church community is a place for children, and assuming that God’s plan for his church is the regular fellowship of Christians… what does it look like for our children to be loved, encouraged, served, accepted etc by the church? What does it look like for us to do these “one anothers” for other people’s children?

Practically Living This Out

Here are a few practical ideas.

Invite other people’s children into your life. Have a whole family round for lunch, or take another child from church swimming when you’re already going. Plan to invite another family from church along to an activity you’ve got planned – maybe going for a walk, or visiting the local museum. Organise a group to come round and watch the latest sports match, and invite some of the older children from church to join in. Arrange to have coffee once a fortnight with one of the teenagers in church who shares some similar interests with you.

Why not think about something you could do this next week to get to know some of the other children in church? Writing this has prompted us to think about how we can, with God’s help, be better at this too – we’ve come up with some practical steps that we’re going to take.

As all this happens, children have the opportunity to witness Christian community in action, and to experience the “one anothers” taking place.

One of the things we love about our church is how our weekly mid-week meeting seeks to include children. Each week we start at 6pm so the children can eat with us and be involved for the first half of our time together. Sometimes this is slightly chaotic, but it’s great to feel we are getting to know the children, and that they’re part of the church community. This, alongside an intentionality to share life outside of more “formal” meetings, means that the children are increasingly becoming part of our church community. How could you do this with people at your church?

In all of this, here’s the crucial ingredient: as you do these things, be intentional to chat to the children. Don’t just settle for children socialising with children, and adults with adults. Chat to the children. Get to know them. Find out what’s important to them. Find out what they hope for, what they fear, what is going on in their lives right now.  Understand them. Share age-appropriate things about your life too. And as you go, speak the truth of the gospel into the situations they face – both the joys and the struggles. Show them how the gospel is impacting the way you go about life, and the way you respond to situations. Pray with them.

The Apologetic Of Love

In John 13:35, Jesus is addressing his disciples for one of the last times before he goes to the cross. What he says here is really significant. He says this:

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

What’s he saying there? He’s saying that one of the primary ways that onlookers will see that we love and follow Jesus is this: by witnessing Christian community in practice. By seeing us loving one another.

What is true for our neighbours, colleagues, friends and relatives must also be true for our children.

We want to expose our children to the nitty-gritty of church life. We want them not solely to be farmed out to children-specific church programmes (though they have their place), but to be involved in the inter-generational, cross-cultural, socio-economic-divide-crossing network of relationships – to witness us doing the “one anothers”, and to be on the receiving (and ultimately giving!) end of them too.

We want them to see us self-sacrificially serve and love one another, just like Jesus.

We want them to witness our church family speaking deeply into one another’s lives about how the gospel impacts every area of life.

We want them to see that when we fall out we respond in a godly way as we extend grace and forgive one another, just like Jesus.

As they do, they see and experience a powerful apologetic for the gospel. And when they (Lord willing) become believers, they grow and are discipled in Christian community. They develop a robust, deep and broad view of how the gospel shapes every area of life. All of this takes place as our church families play their part in the raising of our children.

In writing this we’ve seen in ourselves a tendency to gravitate towards speaking to and spending time with adults when around church family. We really do believe, however, that we have a wonderful opportunity to invest in the lives of the children in our church, and so will be seeking to increasingly take these opportunities in future.

So these are our thoughts. The family unit is the primary place for the discipleship of our children.  But the church can and should play an exciting and important part in displaying and proclaiming the gospel to our children, and raising them to be those who love Jesus and see how his kindness and grace wonderfully impacts everything.

What do you think? Why not share in the comments below your positive experiences of this, and ideas you have for how this be worked out in practice?

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So, what exactly is Christian parenting?

Is it…

• Home schooling delivered by a full-time stay at home mum?
• A safe, accepting place where we instil in our children a strong sense of security and freedom?
• An orderly and disciplined home, where the “rod” is paramount to shaping a child’s character?
• Pretty much like any other parenting, apart from we encourage our kids to go to Sunday School and Christian summer camps?
• Teaching our children to respect authority?
• The decision to send our kids to a boarding school with a long history of evangelical Christian witness?

These are all approaches that we’ve come across in our exploration of Christian parenting.

When we found out that we were expecting our first child it suddenly dawned on us that we were going to be responsible for another human being. Us!

Surely you should have to pass an exam or something first?

Time to start the homework…

We read several Christian books, we went on two Christian parenting courses(!), we started listening to podcasts and reading blogs… you name it, we did it. We like to think that we were just excited, but others may think we were borderline neurotic! We also read our fair share of secular resources.

(In case you’re wondering on the secular front… most thought provoking award goes to French Children Don’t Throw Food* and most down-to-earth award goes to The Unmumsy Mum Blog).

There was lots of helpful stuff in this which we’ve implemented into our parenting and are very grateful for. The problem was this: lots of these really helpful resources (and some of the not so good stuff too) wasn’t given as helpful advice but rather was presented as universal fact.

Here’s our conclusion on the matter. The Bible has much less law to lay down on Christian parenting than we often think.

It says that Christian parents are to teach their kids about God in everyday life, at every opportunity. Such as here:

 “¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 11:18-19)

It also says that the way parents treat their kids is really important – don’t embitter them, love them, discipline them, counsel them, provide for them, and so on.

And it says that the way kids treat their parents is really important – listen to them, obey them, respect them, honour them, provide for them etc.

Other than these things, there’s not a lot else that the Bible directly says about Christian parenting. And for many of these things, it rarely prescribes exactly how we are to go about them.

Which is interesting, isn’t it?!

Despite this, lots of cultural expressions of Christian parenting are presented with an authority that would suggest they’re directly from the Bible. When the reality is, they’re just not.

Don’t get us wrong. There’s lots of wisdom out there on Christian parenting. But we need to remember that it is just that. Wisdom. Ideas that are generally true in lots of situations. But every situation is different. Each family is made up of unique individuals, living in different contexts, with different pressures, strains, resources and opportunities. So Christian parenting can never be a one-size-fits-all, pre-packaged formula.

One of the beautiful realities of Christianity is that it does not call for a uniform culture that is dictated and prescribed (unlike some other religions). Rather, whatever culture Christianity is being expressed in, the culture remains but is shaped and moulded by the Christian worldview. This applies in the realm of parenting too.

In Spain, children regularly stay up with their family till 10pm at night. In Japan, children as young as 7 catch the underground by themselves. In Vietnam, babies are potty trained to the sound of a whistle – at the grand age of 9 months old! (Don’t believe us? Check out this article).

You’ll read some of these cultural differences and gasp in shock. You’d never permit that for your child! But here’s the thing: if you were a parent (even a Christian parent) living in that culture, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. And nor would your peers. Yet people in that culture would look to some of the choices that you and your culture make and think “How on earth do they justify that?!”

The same is true for generational differences. It only takes being with your parents/ in-laws and grandparents for the briefest amount of time for this to show. Differing opinions about feeding, sleeping and children’s manners abound, which can have its tensions and hilarities! “Thank you Nanna for that advice” we said, while secretly thinking ‘there’s no way that I’m putting a rusk in my two months old’s bottle of milk’! (Yes that was actually recommended!)

So, let’s stop labelling our societal preferences or even Christian-subculture norms of Christian parenting as the way to parent as Christians. They might be right in your particular situation. They might even be right for lots of other people. But they aren’t Biblically prescribed, and so we should be careful to look down on other Christian parents who do it differently.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all looked at another parent’s choices and felt that little glow of self-righteousness. In writing this we’ve been convicted again of our tendency to use parenting as a way of exalting ourselves.

Well the gospel is for us too. The gospel says that we’re forgiven for our self-righteousness, that Jesus has dealt with it on the cross and given us the power to live differently going forward. And the gospel means that we can view those situations differently next time.

It says that a lot of the decisions about how we parent our children don’t matter nearly as much as we think they do.

Isn’t that hugely liberating!

It frees us from the tyranny of self-righteousness that only ever leads to our own condemnation as we fail to live up to our own high standards.

And it frees us to be generous to those who are different to us, just as Jesus is generous to us.

So then, let’s be those who have open, loving conversations about parenting. Let’s seek to edify and build up, not to tear down. Let’s seek to extend grace, just like it’s been extended to us.

Let’s not get so bogged down by important but secondary issues within parenting, and instead let’s keep the main thing the main thing: let’s keep sharing Jesus with our children at every possible opportunity.

So here’s the most important question. How can we keep chatting to our children about Jesus in everyday life at every opportunity?

Because let’s be honest: eating, education and environment are the easy bit really. The real challenge of Christian parenting is keeping the gospel at the centre of it all. Chatting about Jesus and living for Jesus – that’s the battle of the Christian life. And that’s the battle of the Christian parent. But it’s the joy too.

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