“Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you have a better one than mine, I was nauseous in the first trimester and had pelvic girdle pain in the third. I felt like death warmed up.”
“Sleep as much as you can now, before the baby arrives and sleep deprivation hits you – like a ton of bricks.”
“Oh you want to breastfeed? It’s really hard you know. Tommy had a tongue tie and I was in agony. I thought my breasts were going to explode.”
“Good luck for D-day! I was induced, had contractions for 17 hours and then had to have an emergency C-section after all that. I must have PTSD, or I if I don’t I’m convinced that Stuart does – he nearly passed out.”
Cheery thoughts for the expectant mum.
All these unsolicited comments, and the baby hasn’t even arrived yet.
I imagine you’ve been part of one of these types of conversations? They’re best in a group setting. There’s a sense of camaraderie, of one-upmanship, of a great exchange of horror stories, of group therapy!
I get it. It’s kind of fun to talk in this way. I prefer real over pretence in my friendships.
However, it’s not always the most loving thing to do! Particularly if there’s a pregnant woman there.
Sometimes it says more about our own need to express ourselves than it does about our desire to love other people.
The Bible says that we are to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Encouraging means to give courage to others. To encourage is to speak words of truth to build faith and give courage in the face of something challenging or scary.
The way we speak is really important according to scripture – we can use our speech either to build up or to tear down. To encourage faith in the kind, loving, sovereign God or to undermine that faith and belittle each other or God.
So while it might seem like harmless fun – that isn’t always the case.
Let me tell you a true story…
We currently have a new born baby in our house. She’s our third child (we’ve got three kids aged 4 and under! Just call us crazy). Well, if you follow our blog, you may know that I found this pregnancy really difficult. I had physical and emotional difficulties (crying most days!) for the duration of the third trimester. A week or so before our baby made her entrance into the world I developed a cold. The common cold. A runny nose. That is all.
However, in my hormonal, heavily pregnant state, this was the worst. thing. ever.
We went along to the Sunday service at our church, and a friend asked how I was. I told her about my cold, and as I did I could feel a lump in my throat and my eyes starting to burn. Because this wasn’t just any cold – it was the cold that would scupper my natural birth plan. How can you breathe through the contractions, when you can’t actually breathe? The hot salty tears rolled down my face. So I did what any sensible mother-to-be would do in that situation (not!) and hastily left church before the service had even started.
As I was waddling out of the building another friend stopped me to ask if I was ok, because, well, I clearly wasn’t. I tried to give a quick explanation without bring up the cold, as I didn’t want to look silly and ridiculous and to be crying about a cold again. But the friend persisted. Seeing that I wasn’t getting out of it. I voiced my fears again – how could I give birth naturally and do my breathing exercises (which I’ve been practicing for MONTHS!) if I had a blocked nose during labour?
My friend responded with encouragement in that moment.
She reminded me that God would be with me through labour no matter what. She told me about when God gave her inexpressible peace during the traumatic birth of her twin boys (without going into detail of the traumatic bit!), she reminded me of all the women in our church who had had C-sections and had recovered well afterwards. She gave me courage. Courage to trust in the goodness and the sovereignty of God, even as I would have to face my fears any day now. She built me up and treated me with respect when I felt downhearted and ashamed. Her words mattered. They were thought-through, truthful and full of grace. She lifted my gaze to the God who cared for me.
And really, that’s what gospel-living should be all about.
Not understanding the truths of the gospel in the abstract.
But seeing how they intersect with our actual lives, our actual hopes and fears and circumstances.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
I have to admit: I do enjoy sharing my birthing stories – even the gory bits – with other mums. But given my experience, I now try to be more careful when speaking to expectant mums. I try to remember the fears, the anxiety and the hormones that are present in pregnancy, and I try to remember just how soothing the balm of the gospel can be in the face of all of that.
Do you know an expectant mum? What words of comfort and hope could you offer them as they anticipate their labour? Well go for it – you don’t know what good you could do for their heart with a gentle word of encouragement. Perhaps you could send them these encouraging Bible Verses for labour.