Month: June 2018

We’ve just got back from a holiday at Center Parcs. If you’re not from Europe then think of a child’s perfect holiday, and you’re pretty much there. Lodges nestled in the forest, the only modes of transport are foot or bicycle, there’s an enormous “subtropical paradise” swimming park and adventure playgroups galore. It’s a holiday completely filled with things that children love to do.

We went with another family – our friends and their four children. So obviously our boys were absolutely in their element the whole week. Swimming, playing, sleepovers with friends and lots of junk food – there’s no wonder that our four year old asked if he could live there forever. It sounds idyllic. And it kind of was. Apart from the incident…

It happened in a split second. As these things often do.

Our two families were exiting the lodge, but when there’s ten people to leave, it always means that some people are left lingering at the front door for some time. A gaggle of us were just outside the front door. I turned to look back into the house to see if the others were ready to join us when our four year old suddenly shouts, “Mummy! He nearly got ran over!” I looked up to see our almost-two-year-old on the road, about one metre from the bonnet of a white van. Very uncharacteristically (he’s quite shy and clingy) he ran as fast as he could to a big, red, shiny telephone box across the road to look at it – and right into the line of “traffic” (one of the few vehicles on site to help with services). Heart thumping I immediately ran over and scooped him into my arms, strapped him straight into his pram, and immediately burst into floods of tears.

In the privacy of our bedroom I took stock. Nothing had happened. He was perfectly safe. But it was far too close for comfort.

It was a freak incident really. It is unlike our son to ever be more than a metre from clinging onto the legs of one of us. And on a holiday park which prides itself on having no cars – what are the chances of a maintenance vehicle having to stop suddenly when our tiny infant ran across the road?

But it showed me how easily accidents can happen.

It’s scary how easily accidents can happen.

And replaying the incident and the possible outcomes kept me from sleeping that night.

So what does the gospel have to do with this?

Well I guess we’re getting into tricky territory here with God’s sovereignty and human suffering, but here’s two truths we should take away from the incident.

God looks after our children even when we cannot

It’s impossible for us as parents to watch over our children at all times. Even if we are very diligent and only have young children it’s still not possible to protect them from all harm. As children get older it’s even more difficult to guarantee their safety, as they become more independent and take more calculated risks. So what do we do with this unavoidable fact? Wrap them up in cotton wool? Despair and worry?

As Christians we don’t have to do that.

We personally know the creator and sustainer of the universe. He is absolutely in control of every detail of our lives and in control of every atom in the universe. And he’s for us! The awesome creator harnesses his mighty power on our behalf.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

Even when the worst case scenario happens, we have the hope of eternal life

But we know that because of the brokenness of this world, death does come to each of us. The Israelites who originally sang the song of ascents did truly experience God’s protection of them, and yet one day they died. The same will happen for each of us and for our children too (unless Jesus comes back first). So God’s protection in incidents like the one above is because of his grace, but in the end that will not prevent the inevitable.

But despite the impending death to come, we have a sure and certain hope of eternal life. Even when we die, and even when our children die we have hope beyond the grave!

“So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power;  it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body[…]

 I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.  Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—  in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.  For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

The last few hours were all building up to this point. Full of excitement and anticipation, our three year old had helped me tidy the house, cook a meal and we set up the train set ready for some serious playing.

It’s a Wednesday night and it’s “life group” night. The night when a group of children and adults from church come round for food, play time and eventually (when the kiddos are in bed) a Bible study.

It’s our son’s favourite night of the week, and he’s beside himself with excitement for the other children to arrive.

But of course, the inevitable happens…

In a flurry of hyperactivity and enthusiasm… An incident will occur… usually after our guests have been here for approximately 5 minutes.

The incidents vary, but they will usually involve our three year old upsetting another child (often, although not always, unintentionally so)…trapped fingers, a grazed arm, a banged head, an unwanted cuddle, and tears and apologies will flow!

It’s pretty stressful and annoying and frustrating. “Why can’t he just contain his enthusiasm, and be a bit gentler?” I think to myself. “I can’t chat intentionally to people when I’m dealing with this.”

Usually, thank heavens, after the initial incident, there are no other incidents. And the children play nicely, food is enjoyed and everyone enjoys themselves. But still, sometimes it’s enough to make a parent despair!

So what is successful parenting? I think, until recently I thought that successful parenting was minimising and ultimately eliminating scenarios like this. In short, I wanted behavioural and moral perfection from our children. In part to give me an easy life, in part because it would be better for them, and in (large) part because I felt like their behaviour was a reflection on me and my parenting.

Recently I read something which changed my thinking on this.

I read this prayer in one of my bible devotionals,

“I pray I will always keep in mind that my success is not attached to children’s actions but how I respond to them and love them.”

What a revelation!

I find this a really liberating thought, and a really biblical view of discipline. So let’s unpack it.

Children are responsible for their own actions

Children are human beings, they are moral creatures, they have free-will. This means that even though they are children, they still are responsible (and need to learn to take responsibility) for their actions. At the end of the day, if a child makes a bad/foolish/selfish choice that was their choice to make.

I am responsible for how I respond to my children

As Christian parents, we shouldn’t be surprised when are children sin, or make foolish decisions. By nature children are immature and they need to be nurtured in the gospel. The role of the Christian parent isn’t to personalise when are children make bad choices, and feel like it’s a damning indication of how we’re doing as parents. Rather, in that moment we have a gospel opportunity.

We are not responsible for our child’s actions, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. How do we respond? Anger? Frustration? Harsh discipline? By just ignoring the situation? I’ve been guilty of all of these in the past. I think I’ve responded like that because I’ve felt like my children have let me down, and it reflects badly on me.

But when success is measured by responding to our children with grace in these situations then we have an opportunity to model and explain the gospel to our children. The moment of discipline isn’t actually about us! It’s not about making us look good, or getting the right behavioural outcome. It’s about connecting with our children, understanding their world, correcting their misdemeanours and showing them their need of a saviour.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s easier said than done. It requires dying to our own desires and putting our children first. But responding to a situation well is our privilege and responsibility as parents.

My success is not attached to my children’s actions

Once we separate what our children are responsible for, and what we’re responsible for, it makes discipline and “success” in parenting much easier.

Think about God the Father. He’s the perfect parent, he’s never done anything wrong. Yet he has wayward children! We don’t think that the bad/foolish/selfish choices of human beings is because of His shortcomings. We think it’s because human beings have free will and moral choices to make. Human beings are responsible for their actions. In short, God the Father isn’t responsible for us sinning.

Yet, God responds to us perfectly. He responds to us in love even while we’re making a mess of situations. He connects with his children, he understands our world, he corrects our sin and foolishness and shows us our need of a saviour. And he does it repeatedly. Every time we read his word, every time we meet with his people, every time his Spirit ministers to us and points us to the gospel.

He doesn’t deal with us once and expect us to be perfect from then on in – getting frustrated when we inevitably stumble. No – he’s committed to overseeing the maturation of his children, and he’s in it for the long-haul.

So there we have it – “success” in parenting.

What is it? Being like God to our children. Not being responsible for our children’s actions, but responding with grace when the inevitable happens.

Father, please help us to be like you to our children. Please help us to separate our responsibility and our children’s responsibility in terms of their behaviour. Help us not to feel responsible for our children’s actions, but to respond with grace, correction and gospel comfort when they do make mistakes. Give us wisdom, stamina and a deep-love for our children, that means we discipline well, even when it inconveniences us. Amen.