Month: June 2017

5 Parenting Mistakes to Avoid | #5 Fearing the Worst

Scott and Cathy 5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid 0 Comment
5 Parenting Mistakes to Avoid | #5 Fearing the Worst

I wonder what it is for you?

Is it when you hear about parents dropping their children from the windows of a burning tower block? Is it when you hear of an 8-year old dying in a terrorist attack at a music concert? Is it when you think about Brexit negotiations, expensive university tuition fees, a housing shortage and your inability to get on the housing ladder?

What is it that brings you fear as a parent?

The above examples are all current issues occupying the headlines and, to be frank, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, scared and saddened for the world that our children will grow up in.

No matter your personality type, your life experience, or the strength of your faith, as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test, fear creeps into your life. Because now you are not only concerned about your own needs but also for those of your children.

This is the fifth and final part in our “Parenting Mistakes to Avoid” series where we explore how the gospel is the answer to the mistakes that we often make as parents. This isn’t about the “Oops! We’ve given the baby too much salt” kind of mistakes. Rather it’s the mistake of forgetting the gospel in all the different ways we do: the deep-rooted-heart-issue-mistakes like feeling excessive guilt, feeling like our identity is bound up with that of our children, discontentment, competitiveness and others…

So today we are exploring mistake number 5: fearing the worst.

For us personally, we are fearful about the teenage years and our boy’s experience of secondary school. We hear radio documentaries about the bullying epidemic, or we watch TED talks about teenage mental health, or we learn that the only secondary school that we are keen on, has just this week, been put into “special measures” by Ofsted – and we fret. We’re afraid of the many damaging influences outside of the home and we start to feel fearful about their wellbeing and spiritual development. It may a decade away, but already we can be fearful at times.

Fear can lead us to react in all sorts of ways. Let’s explore some of them:

1. Disengage and retreat

The world can be a sad and scary place. Unfortunately this has always been the way ever since the Fall – when humanity turned it’s back on God. Ever since that moment when human beings decided to reject a relationship with their loving creator, the world has been broken and relationships fractured.

It can be tempting to think that we should just turn off the news, stop being aware of the suffering of huge swathes of humanity and get on with living our own little lives. As ordinary citizens we feel disenfranchised, and so we disengage and retreat. We withdraw ourselves and our children from the mess of other people’s lives and society. Rather than being a light on a hill we let our light be snuffed out by the overwhelming darkness. We become about self-preservation rather than self-sacrifice. So rather than exposing our children to the brokenness of the world in a safe environment, we wrap them up in cotton wool.

2. Anxiety and overprotection

Or perhaps we don’t disengage. We engage. We are aware. But this leads to anxiety and to being overprotective parents. It can be in the little things – we watch our child’s every move on the climbing frame, hovering over them and intervening in every dispute. Or perhaps we don’t let them go on that school trip because we’re afraid of them getting hurt. We are paranoid about them, we often glance at their smartphones, we don’t allow them to spend much time with peers, we watch the clock with nervousness and contemplate the worst possible scenario in our head.

But there is another way… It’s not easy – it’s not always simple. And at times we we will get it wrong and make the wrong judgement call.

We should aim to engage with the world we live in, inform our children about the brokenness in age-appropriate ways and crucially, offer gospel hope and action.

Because in the end… without the hope of the gospel, the darkness of fear and dread can engulf us. But we are not without the gospel! 

The Gospel is true and it’s wonderfully Good News

So here’s the alternative: Gospel hope, leading to courage, prayer and action.

Do you know that we are told over 100 times in the Bible to “Fear not”, “Do not fear” and “be not afraid”? Why would this be the case? God knows our predisposition towards fear, but he knows that it need not be our reaction. We have a God who is loving and in control. Not a single atom in this universe can move even a fraction without his permission. What’s more, we’ve been told the outcome of all things ahead of time. We know the future before it will happen – the Bible tells us.

God will not allow the suffering, pain and sadness to last forever, he will bring an end to it, and remake the world in perfection. There will be a day when God will come back to judge the world, and on that day justice will be done, and those sheltered by the grace of Jesus Christ will live forever in the perfect New Creation.

Whether our fears are founded or not, whether we fret about hypothetical situations or real troubles, we can be sure of this, in the end, Jesus wins.

We may have some cause to be afraid in this world, but we can take comfort from Jesus, who before facing the most terrifying experience in this world – the cross and judgement of God – selflessly looked to the needs of his fearful disciples.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

John 14:1-3

You see, there was nothing more terrifying to the disciples then their leader, Jesus, being killed. What would they do without him? How long would it be before the religious authorities would come after them too? They had good reason to fear. And yet it was unnecessary. Why? Because Jesus would be victorious over death, and he promises eternal life for all who follow him.

Jesus doesn’t sugar coat what it’s like to live in this broken world, “In this world you will have trouble” but he does offer hope in the midst of it, “Take heart! I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33)

So where does that leave us?

There are many things that can cause both us and our children to fear. Some of them are justified and real threats. Some of them are just in our heads and imaginations (I’m thinking about our toddlers recent nightmares about “the scary owl!”). But whether true threats or imaginary, Christ is victorious over them all. We need not fear because we believe in the one who looked fear itself in the eye and overcame it.

This is the gospel. This is what gives us hope. And it is knowing this God which enables us lift our heads, to pray into the situations around us, and practically give, serve, act to bring light into dark places.

We as Christians should be the biggest activists for good. We should be the most generous. Most fearless. Most hopeful. Yes the world is a scary place, but anytime that we feel that dread creep into our hearts we need to look to Jesus – our hope and our refuge.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!”

(Jesus Christ, in John 16:33)

“How sweet the name of Jesus sounds, in a believer’s ear! It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds, and drives away his fear.”

John Newton

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

That’s the end of our series “5 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid” – we hope you enjoyed it! If you did, we’d love it if you would share it with others.

If you missed any of the previous posts, check out the related posts below and go back and read through some of them.

 

Are you ready for Father’s Day?

Scott and Cathy Gospel In The Everyday 0 Comment
Are you ready for Father’s Day?

Tomorrow it’s Father’s Day.

Father’s day is an annual event – it’s a day set aside to celebrate and honour Fathers. It’s a day that is celebrated in many countries across the world (mainly on the third Sunday in June, though this does vary), and it seems that in some places it has been celebrated since as far back as the Middle Ages.

The origins of the day vary from country to country… apparently in France it came about because in 1949 a company selling lighters wanted to increase their sales – father’s who were most deserving of winning a lighter were to be put forward, and the winner was decided on la Fête des Pères (Father’s Day), the third Sunday in June. This date officially became Father’s day in France 3 years later.

There are various traditions associated with the day, but in most cultures it includes children spending time with their father, and giving gifts. In Germany, it’s traditional for groups of men, on Father’s day, to go on a hike pulling small wagons with wine or beer. It’s often used as an opportunity to get drunk. This tradition may find its roots in the 18th century, where Christians performed ascension day processions in farmlands. Men would be seated in a wooden cart and carried in to the village plaza where the mayor would be waiting to award a large piece of ham to the father with the most children!

So why are we telling you these things about Father’s Day here on Gospel-Centred Parenting (other than the fact that it’s mildly interesting)?

Well we thought it would be good for us to think about three ways that we can help our children engage with the gospel on the occasion of Father’s day.

  1. The reality of fatherhood should serve as a picture for us, pointing to and telling us something about what our God is like. Isn’t it incredible that our God chooses to identify himself as a father – as Father of Jesus, and (through adoption) as our father too! Father’s Day must be his day too then – why not develop a tradition with your children that will help you to remember that Father’s day is His day first? Be creative with what that could be…
  •  Maybe pray to him over breakfast, giving thanks for your adoption?
  • Or make it a tradition to bake a cake and decorate it with the words “Happy Father’s day, God!”.
  • Perhaps you could always give a small financial gift to a charity working in something close to our Father God’s heart – mission work, or something working with widows and orphans?
  • Or maybe you could just make sure you always buy a Father’s Day card for God too, and get your children to write in it something that they’re grateful to their Father God for from the past year?
  1. Help your children be grateful for fathers. If the father is still present in your children’s life, that is a kind gift of God and you shouldn’t take it for granted, and nor should your children. Broken marriages are tragic and prevalent in our society, and other families have lost fathers through death. Help your child to be grateful for their father, if he’s still present. in their lives. 
  2. The gospel should work out into our lives to give us compassion like our heavenly Father. So if your children are old enough, help them to pray for children who are without a father. Similarly, if there are couples you know who have been unable to have children, pray for them. Or pray for single men in your circle of relationships – in your church or neighbourhood or friendship group – for some of them who long for children of their own Father’s Day may be a hard day as it highlights to them the lack of their own children. Maybe you could make it a tradition for your family to include some of these people in your day somehow? Have them round for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Organise an annual walk and make sure to invite some of those who might be struggling with Father’s day.

Father’s day is something that will come around every year. Why not try to help the gospel shape the day and thus make it a day that will help you and your children grow in your appreciation of the gospel, and in their gospel-heartedness.

Do you have any more ideas for a gospel-centred Father’s Day? Why don’t you let us know what you’re getting up to tomorrow, by commenting below or on our Facebook page.

 

An open letter to our three year old child…

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized 0 Comment
An open letter to our three year old child…

Little man,

It’s been three years since you made us parents.

Three years since you made the switch from the inside of mummy’s tummy to the outside of it… where they lay you.

You were pretty blue and slimey and you had a loud cry. But then you settled.

Mummy and Daddy were a bit terrified too… but then we settled.

You were ok. Mummy was ok. It was all going to be ok.

And Daddy wanted to cry because he was so relieved.

And once the medical staff had done their stuff, and the visitors had come and gone, it was just the three of us.

It had been quite an exhausting day – the day you journeyed to your life on the outside – and you were breathing heavily and fast asleep; wearing your little hat and swaddled in blankets like a miniature mummy. Your face was perfect. Like a little cherub. And we couldn’t help but kiss your cheeks – soft like a peach.

Mummy was desperate to be fast asleep too – but Daddy was too excited. He said, “Before we go to sleep let’s pray.” And he thanked God for your precious life and for bringing you safely into the world.

That was three years ago.

How was that three years ago?

Sometimes we wish that you would stop growing. But with each stage of your development we get to see more of the awesome person that God has created you to be.

Little man, you have a thirst for life that we’ve never seen before. You are enthusiastic and throw yourself (sometimes literally!) into everything you do.

You love people, like really love people. You come alive when other people are around, and you have an amazing confidence to make new people feel welcome and wanted – often kissing and cuddling guests who come to our home. And you’re thoughtful in a way we didn’t think possible from a three year old – today you exclaimed as Nanny came through the door, “It’s Nanny!!! – Do you want a coffee Nanny?” We didn’t teach you that… that thoughtfulness came from you. We wish we had that same hospitable instinct; we’ve got lots to learn from you little chap.

At the moment you love super heroes, imaginary play and toilet humour. And because we are pretty keen on you son…we’re into them too.

We are infinitely grateful to God for his grace – giving us countless blessings through the pleasure of knowing you and sharing our lives with you. Being your parents has taught us so much about God’s Father-heart towards us his children, and about his willingness to give grace to undeserving people who ask him for his help.

And now Son, we want to pray this for you; entrusting you into the hands of your heavenly Father – who is a much better parent than we are.

Loving Father,

Thank you sooooo much (This is how little chap starts his prayers) for blessing us with our son.

We thank you for all the joy, giggles, snuggles and fun times we have with him. Thank you for his personality – that he’s lively and happy and loves people.

Thank you for how you have been at work in him by answering our prayers. Thank you for how he is growing in his interest and love of you. Thank you for how he is feeling sadness over his sin. Thank you that Jesus’ sacrifice in his place means that he if offered full and free forgiveness – and may he grow more and more in his love and understanding of this gospel truth everyday.

And Father we ask, that our boy will grow up to do more for you than we ever could.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

We love you to the moon and back little chap,

With love,

Daddy and Mummy xxx

 

 

 

 

Chasing “Likes” – Children, Photos and Social Media

Scott and Cathy Uncategorized 2 Comments
Chasing “Likes” – Children, Photos and Social Media

Social media is, in and of itself, neutral. It’s a human invention enabling us to connect with other human beings. It can be used for immense good. It can be used for immense evil. And pretty much everything in between.

As a species we are still trying to get our heads round the impact that social media is having on our relationships, our leisure time and on our mental well being. The impact of social media will no doubt be the topic of many a PhD paper in the years to come – it’s probably already begun.

We are still playing catch up, but inevitably it will be our children who are most up-to-date with the apps, trends and technology of the day. They are the ones acutely exposed to online dangers such as cyber bullying, graphic pornography, online predators, and websites promoting anorexia, self-harm and suicide. Even more tame uses of social media like scrolling through Instagram can have a detrimental impact on mental health, studies have found.

It’s a complex topic, and it’s an area where we as parents need to be vigilant, informed and keep the lines of communication open with our children.

So we’ve made a decision.

Our children are only tiny. We have a baby and a pre-schooler. They don’t use social media yet and they have no control over what is posted on social media. A lot of the complex issues discussed above don’t actually have any bearing on their lives yet.

But…

We’ve made a decision on their behalf…

We’re removing all the photos of our boys faces and their names from our Gospel-Centred Parenting website and from our social media accounts. (On the date of publication of this post, we’ve started the process and will hopefully get it finished in the next couple of weeks)

It’s a costly decision in a way, because we think they are super cute! We think they are (probably) the cutest children alive (we may be somewhat biased!) and we like other people to think so too.

Not only do we like other people’s approval of our children but there’s also external pressure.

Lots of parent-bloggers include pictures and the names of their children on social media – and you know what? They are usually the most successful bloggers. People like looking at cute kids, especially parents, it sort of goes with the “audience” you are trying to reach. It helps people feel more personally connected to us as bloggers, and will help our “audience” feel more loyal to us (or so those-who-know say).

But we’ve been reflecting on why we started our blog in the first place, and we realized that it was to help us reflect on our parenting in light of the gospel, so that we would do the best possible job of raising our boys. That was our objective then, and we still want that to be our objective now.

So – we want to strive to honour our children in the way that we blog. We love to keep it real, so we will share anecdotes about our kids – but always in a way which honours them as people deserving respect and privacy.

Are we saying that everyone who posts pictures of their children on their blogs and social media are making a terrible choice? Absolutely not! If you love showing off your children to your friends and family then that’s totally cool (and in fact we will do the same on our personal social media accounts). But in the end, when it comes to our blog, we don’t want our sons growing up and resenting us for oversharing their childhood in such a way that a simple google search will give their school peers plenty of ammunition for banter or bullying. We’re sure others do it in a way that avoids that, but for us, we don’t even want to entertain the possibility.

Because, in the end, our kids are too awesome and valuable for that.

Their long-term good is more important than our short-term self-gratification of a few likes, followers and nice comments.

This will be a provocative post in a way – we imagine that people will either love it or hate it depending on what their own stance is.

What we don’t want is for people to feel condemned!

As we mentioned above, we are removing these images from the website (hence we previously had them up for the world to see!) because we’ve had a change of heart and we’ve felt convicted to change our approach. And yet we will continue to post pictures that don’t show their faces on here, and we’ll continue to share more personal photos on our private accounts.

There’s no-one-size-fits-all to how you represent your children on social media, but here are a few questions you could ask yourself when you next go to share something with the cyber-world.

  • How will my child feel about this image being on the internet in the future?
  • Why am I posting this image/anecdote? Is it for their benefit or my own?
  • Is there any personal information here which could put my child in danger?
  • Where do I get my source of approval, love, acceptance and joy from? Answer: The Gospel of Jesus!

So there you have it… our personal opinion about safeguarding our children on social media.

What is your approach? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments section below.