Here is the next installment in our Global Insights series. In this series we hear from other parents, learning about how the context in which they live impacts their Christian parenting. So far we’ve learnt about parenting in the Middle East and South Sudan. In this post, we hear from Christian blogger Rachel Ridler who tells us about her experience of parenting in the North of England.
Where do you live and what’s it like?
I live in a town called Mexborough which is just on the edge of Doncaster in South Yorkshire. It is an ex-mining area so its not really the most aspirational of places, but I love the honesty of people around here when you get to know them. People really are quite caring in Yorkshire.
What are some of the challenges and opportunities that you face in Christian parenting because of your context?
The biggest challenge I face is that being a “proper Christian” really is being the odd one out round here. When I tell people that my husband works for a church, they are shocked. I even got asked to come in to nursery to teach the kids about Easter, as they had never had a practicing Christian parent before! I have to make sure I am proactive in teaching my sons about God in our home so that they can take that out into the world. I was very proud to hear that my eldest had been telling the nursery the nativity story, even that their nativity story book wasn’t good enough and he was going to bring a proper one in from home!
There are many opportunities though, as most people don’t know what it truly means to love God. I find it easy to make relationships with other mums round here, and they all know that I am “religious”. Again, I am the odd one out but in a good way and I have plenty of opportunities to love people.
What do you do to encourage your children to love Jesus?
We try to have some God-time everyday, whether that be listening to praise music, praying before bed or reading bible stories. We love using the Godventure materials and tried doing 40acts together last lent using the sticker chart. I think most importantly though is that we model how to love Jesus in our own lives, through generosity to others, through being part of a church family and through worship in our own home. Our sons see that and it is amazing to see them start to pick up on that. My eldest is already very generous with his friends because that is what we are like and I hope that spirit grows and grows. We are currently tackling the subject of prayer so any tips on how to do that appreciated!!
Rachel blogs at Rachel Ridler: Mum on a Mission, where she writes about her faith and parenting. It’s encouraging for us to read blog posts from other British Christian parents. Follow her on facebook here.
We’d also love to hear from you! Where do you live and how does your cultural context impact your Christian parenting? If you’d like to participate in this series then please fill in the form below.
We’ve mentioned before on this blog that in 2015 we suffered the heartbreak of two miscarriages. For us, they represent two precious babies that we never got to meet. Two personalities we never got to know. Two of our children’s lives that were cut too short.
There are so many painful things about miscarriages – to say we had such a sad time doesn’t come close.
And yet through those awful experiences there were numerous signs of the Lord’s kindness as he ministered to us.
One of the chief ways that we saw that was through kind members of our church family seeking to speak words of truth, comfort and gospel-hope to us through our grief. Did they always say the right thing? Definitely not. But their willingness to get alongside us, to share our grief and to seek to point us to our kind and compassionate Saviour in the midst of the darkness was wonderful.
We wanted to write this post to help you to do the same thing. Here are 3 things to avoid and 3 things to consider when speaking to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.
Don’t ask “how far along were you?”
We totally understand why people might ask this question. It has become almost the default question on hearing the news of a miscarraige. It’s true that the further on the pregnancy, the harder it is to physically deal with the effects of miscarriage. The further on the pregnancy, the more opportunity the parents have had to bond with the baby. All that is true.
But here’s the problem. When you say “how far along were you?” the suffering parent might just hear “the miscarriage matters less if it was an early miscarriage.” That’s not what the suffering parent should be made to feel in that moment. You don’t necessarily mean this, and it may well be useful for you to know how far along the pregnancy was, but maybe try to find out from someone else.
Instead, recognise that they’ve lost their baby, whether they were at 6 weeks or 6 months gestation, they’ve lost their baby. Support them through it.
Do demonstrate you care
Instead of the typical “how far along were you” question, perhaps say “I’m so sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?”
This gives them the option to tell you the details should they want to.
We found that sometimes we wanted to talk about the miscarriage and other times we didn’t, and we appreciated it when people respected that. We did want community, but we didn’t always want to talk. One night we went over to a Christian friend’s house and they asked “how are you?” Cathy answered “crap”. So we ate chocolate and watched a film together. These are the same friends who cried and prayed with us when we suspected that Cathy was starting to miscarry, who gospelled us on other occasions, and who asked the question “how can we love you through this?”
When grieving it can be really tempting to withdraw from Christian community, especially if you feel like you will be hit with a sermon and judgment for being sad, so don’t be the bearer of that sermon and judgment! Compassion, gentleness and just being there with them is priceless and in fact, Biblical (check out God’s rebuke of Job’s friends for being heartless to see this).
Don’t suggest blame
A number of well meaning relatives and friends made comments to Cathy after the miscarriages about how physically active she had to be during pregnancy, because she was looking after a toddler. In the second pregnancy a couple of people said “make sure you take it easy this time”.
This time?This time? What, you mean as opposed to last time, where my overexertion made me lose my baby?
That’s what we felt at the time. Now we know the people who said this, and we know that they didn’t mean to hurt with those words. But they did hurt.
There are a number of problems with comments like these.
Firstly, current scientific understanding suggests that there’s no reason to cut down physical activity with pregnancy, as there is no causal link between physical activity and a greater risk of miscarriage. It’s simply not factually correct.
But even if it were, it’s probably not the best thing to say. In the wake of a miscarriage, the last thing a parent in pain needs is to feel guilt for the miscarriage. They do not need to feel like they are somehow to blame for the loss of this precious little life.
Do point them to the only source of lasting comfort
The gospel is good news for everyone in any situation. That’s true for the grieving parent too.
The grieving parent needs to be reminded of the gospel. They need to know…
…that our heavenly father is full of compassion and grace for the broken-hearted
…that God never intended for death to exist but that it came about because of the brokenness of our world.
…that God hears our prayers and our sighs and he collects our tears.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
Psalm 56:8 (NTL)
…that Jesus wept at the grave of a loved-one.
…that our God became incarnate, and died to kill death once and for all – triumphing over it by his resurrection.
…that one day death will be no more and there will be no more tears, no more heavy-hearts, no more wavering faith and no more unanswered questions.
They need the comfort of the gospel – because they will find no lasting comfort anywhere else.
They need it and one day they will thank you for it.
But be careful in how you communicate it. Certainly don’t try and say it all at once!
When you have your friend’s broken-heart in your hands, treat it with great care. Speak gospel truths carefully, speak them compassionately, speak them prayerfully – lest, instead of gospel truths, your friend hears “you have forgotten important theology, you should be responding better than this” adding guilt to sorrow. They don’t need a theology lesson but in that moment they need to hear about the never-ceasing sympathy and hope of Christ.
If that sounds daunting it needn’t be. We found that we valued people trying to gospel us even if it was a bit clunky or came across a bit insensitive. Attempting to point hurting people to Christ will be greatly appreciated – we found that was a much better option than the alternative, which was people avoiding us because they found it all a bit awkward!
If face-to-face conversation sounds difficult to you then perhaps writing a comforting letter, lending a topical book or sending a Bible passage in a text message would be a realistic option for you? Reaching out to hurting people will bless them and help them feel supported.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
Don’t assume it’s over and done with
Miscarriage is the death of a loved one.
Yes it’s a loved one who’s been known for a relatively short time. But they are still loved, they are human beings and they are someone’s child.
You see, for that parent, they have dreamed of what that child will be like. They will have started decorating the nursery in their mind. Picking their first outfit. Packing the hospital bag. They will have begun to wonder or maybe even found out whether the child will be their little baby boy or little baby girl. They will have imagined the baby’s personality, hair, fingernails and the sound of their little giggle.
And so, when that life is tragically ended, there is grief.
Deep grief.
Grief like that of any person who experiences the sting of death.
There’s grief and sorrow and tears and loneliness and questions and heart-break and disappointment and shock and uncertainty and numbness and… and… and… well how do you even begin to articulate all that emotion to those around you?
It’s the death of a hope, of a life never to be lived, of a dream never to be realised and vitally, of a person. And this is where we need to be clear in a society muddled in confusion about the value of human life and in which babies in the womb are expendable – miscarriage is the loss of a human baby. A person made in the image of God, full of potential. A tiny person who should never have died – because that was not God’s original design for this world.
That’s tragic.
Don’t be surprised that there’s grief.
And the thing about grief is that it sticks around for a while. The initial tears may dry up, but sorrow is carried around in the heart for a long time after. When the baby’s due date comes round it’s a day of lament; the decision to try for another baby is an exercise of faith in God, of summoning courage and facing fear head on; subsequent pregnancies are tainted with anxiety; and for some there’s a long journey of uncertainty ahead, a journey that may never result in a biological child.
The grieving parents may have stopped crying, they may have stopped talking about the miscarriage, they may even be pregnant again – but don’t assume it’s all over. Because the processing continues, their conversation with their sovereign heavenly Father is ongoing, and quite simply, the painful memory never totally disappears.
Which leads us to the last (and much briefer) pointer…
Do continue to care for them for the long haul
It’s a simple point, but if you don’t assume that the trauma and pain is over because x months have passed or they’re pregnant again, then you will continue to ask “how are you doing?”
This is profoundly helpful, otherwise grieving and hurting people may feel like there is a certain date when they are meant to be “sorted” by. This may lead to isolation and guilt, but the gospel says that we can never exhaust Jesus’ compassion. His mercy and grace are endless, and the gospel says that we surely need it and can access it all the time. What’s more, he’ll never tire of the grieving parent bringing their sorrow to him. So we should model ourselves on him as we seek to support others.
“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth… Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”
Isaiah 65
So there we have it – 3 do’s and 3 don’ts. This was a painful post for us to write, but we hope you found it helpful. Our prayer is that the Lord uses this post to help you as you interact with people around you who are suffering the grief of miscarriage.
Please do share this post if you think others would find it useful.
Can you love your children too much? We hear people saying things like “my children are my world” and “my kids are my everything” a lot – what should we make of this? The big idea of this blog post is this: you can love your children too much. Yes, that’s right. If you’re intrigued, then read on.
Before we get too controversial, let us reel it in a bit. It is our privilege and joy to love our children. God gives us our children into our care to love and care for them. When we love our children we image our God – he is the ultimate parent who perfectly loves humanity, his children. We are to model our love for our children on our perfect God.
So that’s pretty high stakes for the love we should have for our children.
If that sets the bar of how much we should love our children, how could we possibly love our children too much?
In order to see this, we need to ask a question:
What is the ultimate good that I want for my child?
We need to come to a settled conviction of what is the most important thing for our children’s lives – the thing that we consider our highest priority for them.
Let us suggest something. Our children are created by a God who loves them and wants to know them. The greatest gift that God has given to our children is himself – knowing him is the most fulfilling, joy-giving, satisfying reality that our children could experience. The best thing we can do for our children is introduce them to the gospel, and help them (with the Spirit’s work) to fall in love with Jesus.
People often speak of wanting, above all else, for their children to be happy. We think that’s not a great enough ambition. We want our children to be joyful. We want them to have a deep-seated, unshakeable and secure joy – the kind of joy that can only be found in Jesus. The kind of joy that can only be found when Jesus is at the centre of our children’s lives. The kind of joy that only comes when our children find their security, identity and sense of purpose first and foremost in Jesus.
But here’s the thing. If we communicate to our children that we love them more than anything else, we end up robbing them of the best thing we can give them. We want our children to see that there is someone who we love even more than them, and who they should too. We want to communicate through how we speak and live that Jesus is wonderful, and that he’s at the centre of everything. We want to speak about him passionately, warmly, winsomely and regularly! We want them to see, through our words and example, that Jesus is our deepest source of joy.
When we do this, when we love Jesus more than our children, we love our children better.
You see when Jesus isn’t our highest love, something else is, and that’s a problem. It’s a problem because we look to our highest love to provide for us in various ways. We look to it for our ultimate sense of worth, acceptance and joy. But many of these things that we make ultimate can’t live up to what we ask of them. They can’t provide the joy what we want them to. They’re finite and fallen and will disappoint us. Jesus is the only one who won’t.
If something other than Jesus is our highest love, we end up putting too much pressure on it to provide what it can’t. If that’s our children, that’s not loving to our children. But if Jesus is our highest love and we look to him for our joy, security, identity etc, then we don’t put the pressure on our children to provide those things. We love our children more by loving them less. Or, to be more accurate, we love our children more (and better) by loving Jesus even more than we love them.
So there we have it. Are you convinced? Let us know in the comments below. And if you found this post helpful or thought-provoking, please help it to reach more people by sharing it on social media.
